Mary's Heart

 We are, have been in the thick of the holidays. Thanksgiving is past and Christmas is just a few days away. This year, like many other years I reflect on years gone by. In 2003 our Christmas was very stressful. Jonathan had had a week of chemo and we stayed at home in an effort to keep him away from sickness and germs. It seemed like a miracle that he did not get sick because there was so much sickness all around us. In 2013, he was again fighting a new fight with the tumor in his abdomen/ thigh area. In 2014 it was the tumor in his upper leg, and both of those years it was also during the holiday season. This year we miss him so much! There was one thing at Christmas time that he would NOT miss. That was the Christmas program at school that the children were a part of. In 2003 he was so sick and weak but he insisted on going and afterwards went and laid in our conversion van while the children and I stayed for the food that was served for everyone, because he said I had to stay with the boys! He was ALWAYS so unselfish and did not want us to miss anything even when he was uncomfortable. In spite of his pain and discomfort the last 2 Christmas seasons he still went to every program and did everything in his power to live as normal as possible.

 This week we will go to the school program without him.This week we will have Christmas without him. This week we will open gifts and there are none from him. This week we will go Christmas caroling and he will not be part of the singing.This week is supposed to be fun, festive, and happy but this week feels hard. But...Life is hard.

 We celebrate the birth of Jesus but do we ever stop to think about the pain, the hard that his virgin mother faced because she said to the angel," Be it unto me according to thy word." I wonder what it was like to be so very young, to live in a culture where pregnancy before marriage was the unthinkable. How did she convince her mother of the truth, was it hard for her to give up her dreams, did her friends think evil of her and whisper behind her back. Did she ever question God with ,

Why did you choose me
All I really wanted was a normal life with Joseph
How can any good come from this hard situation
Why do we need to be taxed so close to my due time
 Riding a donkey is not my idea of comfort
 A stable...this can't be happening to me
Fleeing at night because Herod wanted to kill all the baby boys
And much later....hanging on the cross

When she uttered those words of submission to the angel she had no idea what lay ahead of her. Surely she was human and struggled with fear, loneliness, being misunderstood, her reputation, and wondering what this Child was really going to do for the world. There was no way for her to know all the details and yet her heart was in tune with God's plan. She submitted to his will and trusted Him to work the details. Can I agree to His plan with a Mary heart? Can you?

 Cancer has changed my life and my dreams, in fact it changed the lives of many people. A week ago I was at a funeral of another young man that went to Glory after a cancer fight. He left his wife and 4 young children. A friend from church went to her cousins funeral, who also had been in  a cancer fight, and she leaves behind her husband and 2 small children.Its hard to say "Yes" to God in times like these.

In spite of the sadness life keeps moving and we move with it. Thanksgiving found us in OKL with Jonathan's brother Matt and his family. We had lots of fun in spite of the constant rain. Jonathan's youngest sister and her husband, Marty and my family all rode together in a big van. Memories of an ailing heating system in the van and traveling together for 15 long hours will stay with us for a long time. The heating system was an art to learn. While most vehicles usually have controls somewhere in the middle to keep the back half happy this one did not. This was a rented van. We left at 3:30 a.m. and everyone settled down as comfortable as possible to catch a few winks before daybreak. The back people were to warm and we tried to adjust it but the front people were cold! I guess those in the back decided to just deal with it and we travelled quietly for maybe 2 hours. Mary was wrapped in a blanket on the front seat and her nose was cold while the others behind me were melting. At some point I was stirring a bit and one of the boys called me softly to not disturb the others, and he informed me that he was to HOT. Well, what happened next still makes me laugh....instantly everyone was awake and exclaiming about the horrible heat back there!! Arla and Noah had switched seats at some point because sitting beside the heater was just unbearable, Jeremy in sheer desperation had been rubbing his hands over the cold window and then on to his body trying to cool down. We did finally learn how to adjust it to keep everyone happy, but we had to use the AC. On the way home we also were travelling at night and at one point when most everyone except the driver was sleeping the van suddenly made some horrible quick turns.....I was jerked awake and braced myself for a crash before ever opening my eyes. We sped up again and nothing happened. However Noah was driving and he had to dodge a couch that was laying on the road.I could only pray that no one would have a wreck! It was a great trip but so hard to believe we did it without Jonathan.

 My older sons have had a busy month with the youth group. They did a Christmas Program. Lots of evening practices and then going to local churches to share it. They loved it! On Friday evening they were at the Mennonite Church in Greeneville TN. On the way home they stopped at starbucks for a drink. The lady was curious as to what they were doing, a group of 20 some people all dressed in matching clothes is enough to draw curiosity. After explaining to her the occasion they asked her if they can sing a song in there and she said"Yes". They got into a certain degree of standing arrangement and sang The Hallelujah Chorus. Everyone was so blessed and thought it just "made the night". I loved the singing too but I sure will not miss washing and ironing the chorus clothes. Ironing does not happen to be my hobby!!

 I also got to help cook at the youth Christmas supper on Thursday evening. I love being with the youth group but I guess that is not hard to understand since 4 of my boys are a part of it. The youth group has always been a special part of our lives.

 Christmas will be hard because he is not here. Christmas will be happy because Jesus came. Christmas will remind us that life is possible because Jesus is our Comforter. And Christmas will live on in our hearts because of The Cross. My Jesus is not a baby in a manger, He died on a cruel cross, but best of all He rose again and is Alive and gives me Hope, Courage, and  a Future with Him.

 A Mary Heart, A Stable Baby, A Miracle Man, A Crucified Savior, A Risen Lord, A Bright Future!

Rearranged

All loss is grief, and all grief is a forced rearranging of life.

I read that on the blog mundanefaithfulness.  It has become one of my favorite blogs to follow because we have much in common. If you want to be inspired and blessed I encourage you to read it.

A year ago I dared to hope that maybe Jonathan was going to get well. For you see, his last chemo was in May 2014 and after that he kept getting better, stronger, less pain and almost no pain pills. We had gone to a wedding in October in OH and he forgot to take his cane so he walked without it of course. He used it very little the following month unless he went outside. On Nov. 23, 2014 I commented his walking and told him he walks so well he barely limped at all. He was enjoying his mobility and less pain so much. The very next day, Nov. 24, 2014 he told me that his leg hurts like crazy! That was the week of thanksgiving and he continued to be more uncomfortable. From there on the pain continued to escalate. I can't help but wonder what happened inside of him that made it so prescisly obvious from there on.
 Back in 2003 when he had his first cancer battle and then the stroke we were forced to rearrange our lives and learn how to function as a family with a husband/ daddy with a serious speech impairment. We adjusted with lots of hard knocks and lots of prayer. In 2013 when he again was in the cancer fight we rearranged our lives and schedules. Traveling to Mexico, being gone from home for weeks, sickness, sleepless nights, new eating habits and cooking much healthier, staying at home most of the time, fainting, and the constant living with pain. It was a constant stress that we adjusted too.
 Seven and a half month after his leaving we are still adjusting, still feeling rearranged. I go away a lot more, out with friends. And I do not have that thought that I need to hurry and get home because he is alone at the house. No, that is no longer a part of my thoughts. We make family plans without saying," we need to see if Daddy is feeling up to it".I move furniture without considering if he will like it or if it will affect his comfort.I cannot get used to packing for a trip and not pack all his stuff...pills, vitamins, pillows for comfort, water, blanket etc. etc. Now I have so little to pack for myself I always forget something. Last weekend I forgot my comb! My sister doesn't know that I searched the bathroom drawer and found one to use the 2 mornings that I was there. Its crazy, I went from packing a lot of important things for him and having a list of stuff, to forgetting a few basics for myself! I won't tell you how many times I have made mistakes in cooking, how often I have forgotten, how scared I become at the thought of being in a crowd, or how seriously my identity is rearranged. I mean, I used to be Jonathan's wife, who am I now?



 Ok, so we are still in the rearranging process. finding new normals, new everythings, but it is coming, slowly. I think another beatitude could be,
        BLESSED ARE THE FLEXIBLE....
 I will never be happy if I am not willing to be rearranged.

I was remembering Jonathan's amazing ability to laugh. My sister said last weekend that she thinks we use to laugh more when Jonathan was with us. I think so to! And I miss that a lot in our home! He did not get so up tight with life or the children. He lived life and was serious often, but most of the time he would not allow stress or noise or nonsense to control him. He laughed when it was funny and sometimes even when it wasn't. He was able to bring laughter to our table, he allowed the boys the priviledge to make mistakes and laugh without making them feel bad. His laughter brought rest to tight situations.
 The Bible says LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE. I wonder why it didn't cure cancer. However I am sure that it helps to ease the rearrangements of life.

Calm...The Storm or The Child ?

Rain, rain, rain. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying, I'm tired of the rain and I would love a warm sunny week. This weather is great for the duckies or anything with feathers. Maybe I should try to make a ducky feather outfit. Really tho', I'm not outside in the rain much so I guess that isn't the problem. I'm staying warm and dry, no reason at all to fuss. The lack of sunshine, well it just seems really, really dreary. It's the kind of weather when it is really necessary to turn up the music, loud of course! And an extra cup of coffee with some dove chocolates, well that makes any day just a little bit better! But the sun would be a big bonus!
 Do you ever notice that all your problems double in size on a rainy day? It's really hard to find the proper perspective on the hard things in life on a rainy day. It's the day when the cup is only half full, when the thorns are all you notice on the roses and your nerves are tight and its a super bad day to do bookwork or clean a dirty basement.
 Its a day when my mind can go a million places at once, I'm a women, I can actually think and work at the same time. No offense guys!
 Why does our Great and Mighty God allow so many people to be hurting...
 Why are children going to bed hungry every night...
 Why are Mommies and daddies dying from cancer
 Why are innocent people killed because of wicked peoples bombs
 Why are babies left to die alone without love
 Why are widoes crying alone at night
 Why are young people left to struggle alone through life
 Why are there homeless and hungry on our city streets
 Why is there so much violence and greed
 Why are some mommies crying because their arms are empty and aching
 And why are other mommies wishing they had more freedom
 Why does a Daddy choose to leave his family crying in the night as he goes off alone
 Why do other Daddies cry at night because a child does not come home
 Why do good mommies and daddies get sick and die while wicked parents live and continue to beat there families
 Why are children getting cancer and  suffering long painful deaths
 Do you understand a God that allows all this unfairness, and evil and hardship!

Nov.21 2013

What would you fix, change or improve if you had the power to make a difference in some way? I am constantly reminded that I am not here to stay. And I am pretty sure that if everything were just as I wanted it I would never want to leave these dusty streets. And I think God knows that so He keeps us just a little distressed, just a little restless, and lacking all of total happiness, because He has to make us homesick for Heaven somehow. No, I don't understand the plan or the reason for the hard in life but I know He has a plan for you and for me. I know that He is in full control, I know that I am His servant and He tells me what to do, not the other way around. Sometimes in our search for God and happiness we tell Him what we want and we tell him what to do. My God is much bigger then that. He is not swinging on the limbs of a windy tree being tossed around by mere peoples wishes. No, He is a big God that knows the end and best for all things. When I tell him what I want He gets to decide if the answer is yes or no and I can be assured that his answer is best, even when it feels wrong. Isn't it freedom to serve a God like that! Faith does not become angry or demanding, it will always accept his Will as the right plan. It's hard, terribly hard, I will be the first to admit that I wanted a different plan for my life and my children...but God had another plan. Honestly, its still hard for me to really say that His plan is better then mine. I know in my heart that it is better, but it still does not feel better. I can only see through my earthly eyes and I see sons that need their Dad, I see me, that needs his stability and support. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting used to this drastic change, I can function on a decent level, and then other days I have no idea how I will ever be able to keep going without him. I love the words to the following song....
  Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered peace be still
  He can settle any sea but it doesn't mean He will
 Sometimes He holds us close as the winds and waves go wild
 Sometimes he calms the storm and other times He calms His child.

summer 2014

That is where I find myself over and over. And that is how I can keep going one day after the other. I have no idea how anyone can possibly get through the hard things in life without a Loving Heavenly Father.
 We are never going to get away from hurting situations and sad people until we get to Glory. But we can lift the weary hands, comfort the crying heart, and pray for our fallen brother. Words of encouragement, flowers, food and many random acts of kindness are ways that we have been blessed and it means so much and makes dark days a whole light brighter! We are here to urge each other on, life is to hard to fight the battles alone.To walk beside another is truly a real sign of caring. We teach our children to be kind. When they are still toddlers we say, Be kind to your friends". You know what? Kindness is still needed when we grow up!
 REAL SIMPLE KINDNESS WILL HELP TO CALM THE STORM....
WHAT WILL YOU DO TODAY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR?