Rearranged

All loss is grief, and all grief is a forced rearranging of life.

I read that on the blog mundanefaithfulness.  It has become one of my favorite blogs to follow because we have much in common. If you want to be inspired and blessed I encourage you to read it.

A year ago I dared to hope that maybe Jonathan was going to get well. For you see, his last chemo was in May 2014 and after that he kept getting better, stronger, less pain and almost no pain pills. We had gone to a wedding in October in OH and he forgot to take his cane so he walked without it of course. He used it very little the following month unless he went outside. On Nov. 23, 2014 I commented his walking and told him he walks so well he barely limped at all. He was enjoying his mobility and less pain so much. The very next day, Nov. 24, 2014 he told me that his leg hurts like crazy! That was the week of thanksgiving and he continued to be more uncomfortable. From there on the pain continued to escalate. I can't help but wonder what happened inside of him that made it so prescisly obvious from there on.
 Back in 2003 when he had his first cancer battle and then the stroke we were forced to rearrange our lives and learn how to function as a family with a husband/ daddy with a serious speech impairment. We adjusted with lots of hard knocks and lots of prayer. In 2013 when he again was in the cancer fight we rearranged our lives and schedules. Traveling to Mexico, being gone from home for weeks, sickness, sleepless nights, new eating habits and cooking much healthier, staying at home most of the time, fainting, and the constant living with pain. It was a constant stress that we adjusted too.
 Seven and a half month after his leaving we are still adjusting, still feeling rearranged. I go away a lot more, out with friends. And I do not have that thought that I need to hurry and get home because he is alone at the house. No, that is no longer a part of my thoughts. We make family plans without saying," we need to see if Daddy is feeling up to it".I move furniture without considering if he will like it or if it will affect his comfort.I cannot get used to packing for a trip and not pack all his stuff...pills, vitamins, pillows for comfort, water, blanket etc. etc. Now I have so little to pack for myself I always forget something. Last weekend I forgot my comb! My sister doesn't know that I searched the bathroom drawer and found one to use the 2 mornings that I was there. Its crazy, I went from packing a lot of important things for him and having a list of stuff, to forgetting a few basics for myself! I won't tell you how many times I have made mistakes in cooking, how often I have forgotten, how scared I become at the thought of being in a crowd, or how seriously my identity is rearranged. I mean, I used to be Jonathan's wife, who am I now?



 Ok, so we are still in the rearranging process. finding new normals, new everythings, but it is coming, slowly. I think another beatitude could be,
        BLESSED ARE THE FLEXIBLE....
 I will never be happy if I am not willing to be rearranged.

I was remembering Jonathan's amazing ability to laugh. My sister said last weekend that she thinks we use to laugh more when Jonathan was with us. I think so to! And I miss that a lot in our home! He did not get so up tight with life or the children. He lived life and was serious often, but most of the time he would not allow stress or noise or nonsense to control him. He laughed when it was funny and sometimes even when it wasn't. He was able to bring laughter to our table, he allowed the boys the priviledge to make mistakes and laugh without making them feel bad. His laughter brought rest to tight situations.
 The Bible says LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE. I wonder why it didn't cure cancer. However I am sure that it helps to ease the rearrangements of life.

Calm...The Storm or The Child ?

Rain, rain, rain. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying, I'm tired of the rain and I would love a warm sunny week. This weather is great for the duckies or anything with feathers. Maybe I should try to make a ducky feather outfit. Really tho', I'm not outside in the rain much so I guess that isn't the problem. I'm staying warm and dry, no reason at all to fuss. The lack of sunshine, well it just seems really, really dreary. It's the kind of weather when it is really necessary to turn up the music, loud of course! And an extra cup of coffee with some dove chocolates, well that makes any day just a little bit better! But the sun would be a big bonus!
 Do you ever notice that all your problems double in size on a rainy day? It's really hard to find the proper perspective on the hard things in life on a rainy day. It's the day when the cup is only half full, when the thorns are all you notice on the roses and your nerves are tight and its a super bad day to do bookwork or clean a dirty basement.
 Its a day when my mind can go a million places at once, I'm a women, I can actually think and work at the same time. No offense guys!
 Why does our Great and Mighty God allow so many people to be hurting...
 Why are children going to bed hungry every night...
 Why are Mommies and daddies dying from cancer
 Why are innocent people killed because of wicked peoples bombs
 Why are babies left to die alone without love
 Why are widoes crying alone at night
 Why are young people left to struggle alone through life
 Why are there homeless and hungry on our city streets
 Why is there so much violence and greed
 Why are some mommies crying because their arms are empty and aching
 And why are other mommies wishing they had more freedom
 Why does a Daddy choose to leave his family crying in the night as he goes off alone
 Why do other Daddies cry at night because a child does not come home
 Why do good mommies and daddies get sick and die while wicked parents live and continue to beat there families
 Why are children getting cancer and  suffering long painful deaths
 Do you understand a God that allows all this unfairness, and evil and hardship!

Nov.21 2013

What would you fix, change or improve if you had the power to make a difference in some way? I am constantly reminded that I am not here to stay. And I am pretty sure that if everything were just as I wanted it I would never want to leave these dusty streets. And I think God knows that so He keeps us just a little distressed, just a little restless, and lacking all of total happiness, because He has to make us homesick for Heaven somehow. No, I don't understand the plan or the reason for the hard in life but I know He has a plan for you and for me. I know that He is in full control, I know that I am His servant and He tells me what to do, not the other way around. Sometimes in our search for God and happiness we tell Him what we want and we tell him what to do. My God is much bigger then that. He is not swinging on the limbs of a windy tree being tossed around by mere peoples wishes. No, He is a big God that knows the end and best for all things. When I tell him what I want He gets to decide if the answer is yes or no and I can be assured that his answer is best, even when it feels wrong. Isn't it freedom to serve a God like that! Faith does not become angry or demanding, it will always accept his Will as the right plan. It's hard, terribly hard, I will be the first to admit that I wanted a different plan for my life and my children...but God had another plan. Honestly, its still hard for me to really say that His plan is better then mine. I know in my heart that it is better, but it still does not feel better. I can only see through my earthly eyes and I see sons that need their Dad, I see me, that needs his stability and support. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting used to this drastic change, I can function on a decent level, and then other days I have no idea how I will ever be able to keep going without him. I love the words to the following song....
  Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered peace be still
  He can settle any sea but it doesn't mean He will
 Sometimes He holds us close as the winds and waves go wild
 Sometimes he calms the storm and other times He calms His child.

summer 2014

That is where I find myself over and over. And that is how I can keep going one day after the other. I have no idea how anyone can possibly get through the hard things in life without a Loving Heavenly Father.
 We are never going to get away from hurting situations and sad people until we get to Glory. But we can lift the weary hands, comfort the crying heart, and pray for our fallen brother. Words of encouragement, flowers, food and many random acts of kindness are ways that we have been blessed and it means so much and makes dark days a whole light brighter! We are here to urge each other on, life is to hard to fight the battles alone.To walk beside another is truly a real sign of caring. We teach our children to be kind. When they are still toddlers we say, Be kind to your friends". You know what? Kindness is still needed when we grow up!
 REAL SIMPLE KINDNESS WILL HELP TO CALM THE STORM....
WHAT WILL YOU DO TODAY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR?

The Happy and The Sad

Ever since we new that a grandbaby is on the way we have all been so excited, and the discussions in our family room have been hilarious at times! We only know how to imagine baby boys in this family and most of us talked about this baby as a boy. The boys were excited about...........
                                           being uncles, whew they love the idea!
                                           this little guy was going to learn to play football at a really young age
                                          and build muscles like no other 3 year old
                                          and tussle with his uncles
                                         and Carlin, well it was going to take care of all the boredom when his big
                                        brothers go to youth activities.
                
                  AND THEN.......the ultra sound said, ITS A GIRL!!!!!!

Yes, a girl in this Zook family! How exciting is that!! No we are not disappointed, not even a little! I guess because I had 5 boys, I find baby boys quite attractive, in fact I love baby boys! But, I'm already imagining bonding with a little girl, and buying pretty girl toys( this house seriously lacks nice girl toys), and browsing baby girl sections at the store. I will buy pink blankets, and hair bows, and girlie socks and, and, and.......well I don't know what all.

this is the cake

And now the boys will get to practice their gentlemanliness on another female besides just me! And hopefully she will be a lil lady and not a rowdy tomboy.....but what's the chance! You go figure!
 All this excitement is awesome, but it is saddened because she will never know her grandfather Zook. And he would be such a great one. He loved children and since his speech/stroke he had his own special funny way of doing baby chatter.

the happy couple

 We had a big deal on Wed. eve. when we learned the gender of this child. A good friend, Gina, made a cake and hid 2 little stars inside the cake. The one star was pink the other one yellow. The yellow one was just for fun, the pink one was to tell us it is a girl.
 Let me back up a little. Randall's had the ultra sound done on Wed. They asked Gina to make the cake and then we cut it here at our house. We did not know the gender until we found the pink star. Mary cut a piece of cake for all of us then we, at the same time dug into our piece to find the object that would reveal the secret. It was in Jeremy's piece of cake and it did not take him long to find it! Now remember, Mary's family lives in Montana and they needed to be in on this too so everyone connected via Skype. Believe me, it was a big deal, almost like being on FOX news! So we are excited! Terribly excited!

 And while we rejoice we also are aware that others also are hurting. Yesterday a 70 year old man from PA was killed in a logging accident. I went to school with his daughters and spent overnight at their house. What a shock! Another friend's husband has a brain tumor and not doing well, another friend who I have only "met" on caring bridge also has a cancer husband. Another young friend has a disease that has no cure and she has lots of pain. Its a sad hurting world that we live in.
 I find it so comforting to know that Jonathan has no more pain and Heaven is awesome. Jonathan's cousin had a dream recently. He dreamed that he was sitting in church and they were singing a song about Heaven. Suddenly Jonathan appeared in front of him and with a happy glowing face said,"Its awesome, you aught to see it", and then he disappeared! and the dream ended. I miss him like crazy and I am so sad that I have to do life without him, but to know that he is happy, pain free, can talk perfectly......that is perfection at its best!
 Jonathan loved reunions, and yesterday when I heard about the logging accident that took Fred I imagined Jonathan welcoming him into those Pearly Gates. My neighbor reminded me at Jonathan's viewing that "He can talk now," and his wife added," I bet they can't shut him up"! That was Jonathan, lots of friends and lots to talk about. I am sure that all the people that are joining him are adding to his joy. Its going to be the best reunion ever when we all get there.
 
 THE LORD GIVETH AND THE LORD TAKETH< BLESSED BE HIS NAME.