The Widow....part 1

Anyone that writes for the public to read is constantly aware that there will be people reading that do not agree, there will be critics and there will be a group of loyal folks that understand. I am aware that the post I am planning to write could bring some raised eyebrows and critics. I have decided that I will be ok with the outcome of this writing.

I have been a widow now for  4 years and I continue to be amazed and quite frankly, shocked, at some of the experiences that widows in our Anabaptist churches are faced with. This is not written to be harsh or to bring on a pity party. Rather it is to give you a view into the life and thoughts and heart of a widow.

I have been asked by friends and pastors," What are some ways that the church can care for widows?" I do not claim to have answers that apply to every situation or to every individual because each widow has her own specific likes and needs. I have however, had the privilege to sit in widows groups and listen to the heart cries and hurts of some of these dear ladies. I have also heard stories of kindness and ways that widows were blessed by there churches and communities. Those stories are so refreshing! It seems true both in the Mennonite setting as well as the Christian Community across the US( according to books I have read and ladies that I have listened to) that widows often feel misunderstood.

A young widow with small children is suddenly left with raising her children alone. On top of the enormous loss of her best friend, she now gets to make every single decision ALONE! When is little Johnny going to learn to go to bed alone. Daddy read stories to him every night in his bedroom and the change is just to much!! The widow is exhausted with several other children and the nightly bedtime crying is just to much!!She longingly remembers the better days of looking forward to 5:30 pm when the children were entertained by Daddy, she had another adult to talk to and the evening was a pleasure. Now it is dreaded! Second grade Sally  is doing terrible in school and the 10year old has behavior issues. She feels very alone and depression is barely staying away. On top of  all that, she is still wading through all the legal documents that she had no idea any person had to deal with! And the taxes are coming due and she has NO IDEA what to do. Her income stopped, the funeral costs and the hospital bills keep showing up in her mailbox. She has learned that she needs to keep a death certificate in her purse because DMV or insurance or some other place that she walks into will need proof of death. Its the HATEFUL part of every widow! Her sleepless nights are a mixture of worry for her bills, her children's needs and being afraid she is going to lose her mind. She knows her friends care but they have no idea what to do and even less idea what she is facing. Her children have become very insecure and needy which makes her want to stay at home so no one can see how they are acting. But even when she does get brave enough to go away she shrinks from the thought of coming home alone to a dark empty house and putting the children to bed alone. So maybe its not worth going away. How is she going to make a living. Should she clean houses, start baking, raise puppies, babysit or??? Never before did she think about working outside her home. And now her children need her more then ever but well meaning people are making suggestions and making her feel like she needs to be working. Don't they understand her children can't handle any more changes? Don't they understand that she can't even think clearly enough to get her own work done? Don't they understand that she is overwhelmed with grief and responsibility, how is she ever supposed to get through this? She looks longingly at the neighbor lady who's husband was killed a year ago and he had her covered with life insurance. She does not need to work. Her entire days are spent carrying for her children and herself. Maybe insurance would be better then depending on a church she thinks. At least she wouldn't need to worry about the bills that refuse to stop coming.

Or perhaps its a middle age widow. One with children working outside the home and several are sons. Everybody says, "I'm sure you are so thankful for your children?" While that statement is indeed very true there are other things attached to that truth. Most people think that because she has grown children all her needs are met. Somehow they do not think about the fact that teenagers have their own set of struggles and need a strong father figure to help them wade through life's difficulties. They assume that her big children will cut the woodpile, change the tire on the wheelbarrow, fix the leaking faucet, mend the busted waterline, till the garden, sharpen lawnmower blades, trim the hedges, mend the fence, fix the porch floor, keep the vehicle maintained, butcher the chickens, fix the ceiling fan and take the mixer apart that started sounding weird, plus the 101 other things that husbands do. (Try going one week without asking your husband to do one thing for you) Instead ask your son and expect him to know how to do all these things! Never mind that he worked all day, he would like to have a normal youth life, he struggles without his dad and then is expected to do all this stuff plus share his paycheck with his mother because the Bible says that family should care for their mother and a well meaning church member reminded him of that. The widow sees her children struggle and her heart weeps for them and she cries out to the Father to keep their hearts soft and tender. Her daughters need their Daddy but they get more looks of disapproval then words of affirmation from the very people that should be helping her. Her married children are struggling to make a living and she remembers those early years of marriage when house payments and daily living ate up the pay check. She will never expect her children to pay her bills! They already help her in many ways. She does not want to tell anyone because she already feels like a bother.

And then there is the old lady widow. The one that all her children are gone. She was used to enjoying every day with her husband. They did everything together! He threaded her needles when she quilted, they did the yard and garden work together. They travelled together and went visiting. They were living the dream! Suddenly she is alone, very alone! She can't eat at the table, its to lonely so she pulls a chair to the counter and eats there, putting gas in the car was never her job, and driving anything beyond just the hometown was never done. She doesn't find out what happens in church. He used to come home from men's meetings and tell her everything, now he doesn't come home. She doesn't like all the changes in church but she does not have a voice and his is silent. All the "newsy" men's talk she does not hear and she feels detached because her link is gone. She longs for a Sunday evening visit from someone. She loves the youth girl that comes to chat with her. She loves those kind souls that give her a loaf of bread or a few cookies or some sweet treat. Those things are just to much bother to make for just one person. She knows her grandchildren love her but they are so busy raising families that they seldom stop in. She struggles with finding purpose in life and yet she knows she should not complain. Being alone is so lonely! Locking the door at night and getting into a bed alone is so hard! She weeps silently and she prays.

For every widow, no matter the age she faces loneliness. And strange as it may seem it is very common to feel loneliest in a crowd of people. Sunday is often the worst day of the week! Its the day when you can't bury your pain in your work. It sits with you at church, it eats with you at the fellowship dinner and it drives home with you and it takes a nap with you. Then when you think you have had enough lonely reminders for one day it spends the whole quiet evening alone with you!

Perhaps the widow had a husband who was a minister. Suddenly her life with the church comes to a screeching halt. Maybe he was a member that served on many committees and she faithfully supported him. Maybe they were a home that had the youth many times. Maybe friends passing through the area stopped at their house for an overnight visit. She feels the changes and feels detached in all of these areas.

She is also extremely tired! She had know idea that grief was so exhausting! She would like to stay in bed all day but she can't because her children need her. She has to go shopping for groceries, she has to cook food and do the laundry, she has to keep on living. Everywhere she goes and everything she does is complicated and hard work. Its so hard being a widow. She hates being in a crowd of people! She used to love being identified as "his wife". Now she has know idea who she is and with her protection gone she feels vulnerable and exposed.

 Her friends have become strangers. They make subtle suggestions about getting back to life, about moving on, about happiness finding her again. She is very careful who she shares her deepest thoughts with because she is very aware that it could become juicy gossip. She longs to be loved and understood. She feels judged because she is not the person she used to be and tho' she tries hard her old self is gone. She longs for total acceptance like she had from her husband, to be told that she is beautiful and loved.

She know longer fits in with her friends group. They are all married and getting together with them is so awkward. Who enjoys sitting around a table with 5 married couples when all you can think is your missing husband? That is why so often a widow will bond with new friends. Her old friends try hard to understand but unless they have walked in her shoes or at least have had similar grief of losing a loved one or gone through a traumatic experience they simply do not get it! Its not hard to understand that statement. People with cancer connect very well, couples with infertility problems can bond easily, families who are in adoption and fostering have a common bond. Men connect quite well with other men who are in the same field of work. Think about all the retreats available for all kinds of reasons....handicap retreats, sudden death retreats, adoption retreats and the list goes on and on. People connect well with others that have had similar experiences in life. Widows are women that long for friendships with others in the same boat and we long to be heard and understood. It is done best in a group of others that "Get It". The one very popular retreat in the Mennonite world is Penn Valley retreat and this particular one happens to have a Widows And Widowers weekend. Now I just reminded you that people in similar situations connect well. However it is way to common for a widow to get "raised eyebrows" when friends hear that she is going. Its been said," When people go there they are just looking for another spouse". And its always said by people that have not walked those shoes.. Why? Why can anyone go to any other retreat and enjoy company of others in similar situations but in this particular one there are critics? Let me be quick to add that not all widows are criticized....I also know of some that were encouraged to go and even had the fee paid for them. There are plenty of nice, kind, caring, generous, and extremely loving people looking out for widows! I do not mean to give the impression that nobody cares or understands! I am simply telling you some things that happen way to much and it is hardest to accept when it comes from people that profess to be Godly Bible Believing Christians. I will let you think about this for several days then I will come back and tell you about some of the wonderful kind things that people do for widows.

In the meantime, to my widow friends...if you have something you want me to write you may private message me or email me.