Mary's Heart

 We are, have been in the thick of the holidays. Thanksgiving is past and Christmas is just a few days away. This year, like many other years I reflect on years gone by. In 2003 our Christmas was very stressful. Jonathan had had a week of chemo and we stayed at home in an effort to keep him away from sickness and germs. It seemed like a miracle that he did not get sick because there was so much sickness all around us. In 2013, he was again fighting a new fight with the tumor in his abdomen/ thigh area. In 2014 it was the tumor in his upper leg, and both of those years it was also during the holiday season. This year we miss him so much! There was one thing at Christmas time that he would NOT miss. That was the Christmas program at school that the children were a part of. In 2003 he was so sick and weak but he insisted on going and afterwards went and laid in our conversion van while the children and I stayed for the food that was served for everyone, because he said I had to stay with the boys! He was ALWAYS so unselfish and did not want us to miss anything even when he was uncomfortable. In spite of his pain and discomfort the last 2 Christmas seasons he still went to every program and did everything in his power to live as normal as possible.

 This week we will go to the school program without him.This week we will have Christmas without him. This week we will open gifts and there are none from him. This week we will go Christmas caroling and he will not be part of the singing.This week is supposed to be fun, festive, and happy but this week feels hard. But...Life is hard.

 We celebrate the birth of Jesus but do we ever stop to think about the pain, the hard that his virgin mother faced because she said to the angel," Be it unto me according to thy word." I wonder what it was like to be so very young, to live in a culture where pregnancy before marriage was the unthinkable. How did she convince her mother of the truth, was it hard for her to give up her dreams, did her friends think evil of her and whisper behind her back. Did she ever question God with ,

Why did you choose me
All I really wanted was a normal life with Joseph
How can any good come from this hard situation
Why do we need to be taxed so close to my due time
 Riding a donkey is not my idea of comfort
 A stable...this can't be happening to me
Fleeing at night because Herod wanted to kill all the baby boys
And much later....hanging on the cross

When she uttered those words of submission to the angel she had no idea what lay ahead of her. Surely she was human and struggled with fear, loneliness, being misunderstood, her reputation, and wondering what this Child was really going to do for the world. There was no way for her to know all the details and yet her heart was in tune with God's plan. She submitted to his will and trusted Him to work the details. Can I agree to His plan with a Mary heart? Can you?

 Cancer has changed my life and my dreams, in fact it changed the lives of many people. A week ago I was at a funeral of another young man that went to Glory after a cancer fight. He left his wife and 4 young children. A friend from church went to her cousins funeral, who also had been in  a cancer fight, and she leaves behind her husband and 2 small children.Its hard to say "Yes" to God in times like these.

In spite of the sadness life keeps moving and we move with it. Thanksgiving found us in OKL with Jonathan's brother Matt and his family. We had lots of fun in spite of the constant rain. Jonathan's youngest sister and her husband, Marty and my family all rode together in a big van. Memories of an ailing heating system in the van and traveling together for 15 long hours will stay with us for a long time. The heating system was an art to learn. While most vehicles usually have controls somewhere in the middle to keep the back half happy this one did not. This was a rented van. We left at 3:30 a.m. and everyone settled down as comfortable as possible to catch a few winks before daybreak. The back people were to warm and we tried to adjust it but the front people were cold! I guess those in the back decided to just deal with it and we travelled quietly for maybe 2 hours. Mary was wrapped in a blanket on the front seat and her nose was cold while the others behind me were melting. At some point I was stirring a bit and one of the boys called me softly to not disturb the others, and he informed me that he was to HOT. Well, what happened next still makes me laugh....instantly everyone was awake and exclaiming about the horrible heat back there!! Arla and Noah had switched seats at some point because sitting beside the heater was just unbearable, Jeremy in sheer desperation had been rubbing his hands over the cold window and then on to his body trying to cool down. We did finally learn how to adjust it to keep everyone happy, but we had to use the AC. On the way home we also were travelling at night and at one point when most everyone except the driver was sleeping the van suddenly made some horrible quick turns.....I was jerked awake and braced myself for a crash before ever opening my eyes. We sped up again and nothing happened. However Noah was driving and he had to dodge a couch that was laying on the road.I could only pray that no one would have a wreck! It was a great trip but so hard to believe we did it without Jonathan.

 My older sons have had a busy month with the youth group. They did a Christmas Program. Lots of evening practices and then going to local churches to share it. They loved it! On Friday evening they were at the Mennonite Church in Greeneville TN. On the way home they stopped at starbucks for a drink. The lady was curious as to what they were doing, a group of 20 some people all dressed in matching clothes is enough to draw curiosity. After explaining to her the occasion they asked her if they can sing a song in there and she said"Yes". They got into a certain degree of standing arrangement and sang The Hallelujah Chorus. Everyone was so blessed and thought it just "made the night". I loved the singing too but I sure will not miss washing and ironing the chorus clothes. Ironing does not happen to be my hobby!!

 I also got to help cook at the youth Christmas supper on Thursday evening. I love being with the youth group but I guess that is not hard to understand since 4 of my boys are a part of it. The youth group has always been a special part of our lives.

 Christmas will be hard because he is not here. Christmas will be happy because Jesus came. Christmas will remind us that life is possible because Jesus is our Comforter. And Christmas will live on in our hearts because of The Cross. My Jesus is not a baby in a manger, He died on a cruel cross, but best of all He rose again and is Alive and gives me Hope, Courage, and  a Future with Him.

 A Mary Heart, A Stable Baby, A Miracle Man, A Crucified Savior, A Risen Lord, A Bright Future!