Rearranged

All loss is grief, and all grief is a forced rearranging of life.

I read that on the blog mundanefaithfulness.  It has become one of my favorite blogs to follow because we have much in common. If you want to be inspired and blessed I encourage you to read it.

A year ago I dared to hope that maybe Jonathan was going to get well. For you see, his last chemo was in May 2014 and after that he kept getting better, stronger, less pain and almost no pain pills. We had gone to a wedding in October in OH and he forgot to take his cane so he walked without it of course. He used it very little the following month unless he went outside. On Nov. 23, 2014 I commented his walking and told him he walks so well he barely limped at all. He was enjoying his mobility and less pain so much. The very next day, Nov. 24, 2014 he told me that his leg hurts like crazy! That was the week of thanksgiving and he continued to be more uncomfortable. From there on the pain continued to escalate. I can't help but wonder what happened inside of him that made it so prescisly obvious from there on.
 Back in 2003 when he had his first cancer battle and then the stroke we were forced to rearrange our lives and learn how to function as a family with a husband/ daddy with a serious speech impairment. We adjusted with lots of hard knocks and lots of prayer. In 2013 when he again was in the cancer fight we rearranged our lives and schedules. Traveling to Mexico, being gone from home for weeks, sickness, sleepless nights, new eating habits and cooking much healthier, staying at home most of the time, fainting, and the constant living with pain. It was a constant stress that we adjusted too.
 Seven and a half month after his leaving we are still adjusting, still feeling rearranged. I go away a lot more, out with friends. And I do not have that thought that I need to hurry and get home because he is alone at the house. No, that is no longer a part of my thoughts. We make family plans without saying," we need to see if Daddy is feeling up to it".I move furniture without considering if he will like it or if it will affect his comfort.I cannot get used to packing for a trip and not pack all his stuff...pills, vitamins, pillows for comfort, water, blanket etc. etc. Now I have so little to pack for myself I always forget something. Last weekend I forgot my comb! My sister doesn't know that I searched the bathroom drawer and found one to use the 2 mornings that I was there. Its crazy, I went from packing a lot of important things for him and having a list of stuff, to forgetting a few basics for myself! I won't tell you how many times I have made mistakes in cooking, how often I have forgotten, how scared I become at the thought of being in a crowd, or how seriously my identity is rearranged. I mean, I used to be Jonathan's wife, who am I now?



 Ok, so we are still in the rearranging process. finding new normals, new everythings, but it is coming, slowly. I think another beatitude could be,
        BLESSED ARE THE FLEXIBLE....
 I will never be happy if I am not willing to be rearranged.

I was remembering Jonathan's amazing ability to laugh. My sister said last weekend that she thinks we use to laugh more when Jonathan was with us. I think so to! And I miss that a lot in our home! He did not get so up tight with life or the children. He lived life and was serious often, but most of the time he would not allow stress or noise or nonsense to control him. He laughed when it was funny and sometimes even when it wasn't. He was able to bring laughter to our table, he allowed the boys the priviledge to make mistakes and laugh without making them feel bad. His laughter brought rest to tight situations.
 The Bible says LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE. I wonder why it didn't cure cancer. However I am sure that it helps to ease the rearrangements of life.