Christmas Song

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LUtc_olEiRY  


This song was listened to a lot today and also being sung as the boys played games.
 Maybe every day in Heaven is like Christmas.

Mary's Heart

 We are, have been in the thick of the holidays. Thanksgiving is past and Christmas is just a few days away. This year, like many other years I reflect on years gone by. In 2003 our Christmas was very stressful. Jonathan had had a week of chemo and we stayed at home in an effort to keep him away from sickness and germs. It seemed like a miracle that he did not get sick because there was so much sickness all around us. In 2013, he was again fighting a new fight with the tumor in his abdomen/ thigh area. In 2014 it was the tumor in his upper leg, and both of those years it was also during the holiday season. This year we miss him so much! There was one thing at Christmas time that he would NOT miss. That was the Christmas program at school that the children were a part of. In 2003 he was so sick and weak but he insisted on going and afterwards went and laid in our conversion van while the children and I stayed for the food that was served for everyone, because he said I had to stay with the boys! He was ALWAYS so unselfish and did not want us to miss anything even when he was uncomfortable. In spite of his pain and discomfort the last 2 Christmas seasons he still went to every program and did everything in his power to live as normal as possible.

 This week we will go to the school program without him.This week we will have Christmas without him. This week we will open gifts and there are none from him. This week we will go Christmas caroling and he will not be part of the singing.This week is supposed to be fun, festive, and happy but this week feels hard. But...Life is hard.

 We celebrate the birth of Jesus but do we ever stop to think about the pain, the hard that his virgin mother faced because she said to the angel," Be it unto me according to thy word." I wonder what it was like to be so very young, to live in a culture where pregnancy before marriage was the unthinkable. How did she convince her mother of the truth, was it hard for her to give up her dreams, did her friends think evil of her and whisper behind her back. Did she ever question God with ,

Why did you choose me
All I really wanted was a normal life with Joseph
How can any good come from this hard situation
Why do we need to be taxed so close to my due time
 Riding a donkey is not my idea of comfort
 A stable...this can't be happening to me
Fleeing at night because Herod wanted to kill all the baby boys
And much later....hanging on the cross

When she uttered those words of submission to the angel she had no idea what lay ahead of her. Surely she was human and struggled with fear, loneliness, being misunderstood, her reputation, and wondering what this Child was really going to do for the world. There was no way for her to know all the details and yet her heart was in tune with God's plan. She submitted to his will and trusted Him to work the details. Can I agree to His plan with a Mary heart? Can you?

 Cancer has changed my life and my dreams, in fact it changed the lives of many people. A week ago I was at a funeral of another young man that went to Glory after a cancer fight. He left his wife and 4 young children. A friend from church went to her cousins funeral, who also had been in  a cancer fight, and she leaves behind her husband and 2 small children.Its hard to say "Yes" to God in times like these.

In spite of the sadness life keeps moving and we move with it. Thanksgiving found us in OKL with Jonathan's brother Matt and his family. We had lots of fun in spite of the constant rain. Jonathan's youngest sister and her husband, Marty and my family all rode together in a big van. Memories of an ailing heating system in the van and traveling together for 15 long hours will stay with us for a long time. The heating system was an art to learn. While most vehicles usually have controls somewhere in the middle to keep the back half happy this one did not. This was a rented van. We left at 3:30 a.m. and everyone settled down as comfortable as possible to catch a few winks before daybreak. The back people were to warm and we tried to adjust it but the front people were cold! I guess those in the back decided to just deal with it and we travelled quietly for maybe 2 hours. Mary was wrapped in a blanket on the front seat and her nose was cold while the others behind me were melting. At some point I was stirring a bit and one of the boys called me softly to not disturb the others, and he informed me that he was to HOT. Well, what happened next still makes me laugh....instantly everyone was awake and exclaiming about the horrible heat back there!! Arla and Noah had switched seats at some point because sitting beside the heater was just unbearable, Jeremy in sheer desperation had been rubbing his hands over the cold window and then on to his body trying to cool down. We did finally learn how to adjust it to keep everyone happy, but we had to use the AC. On the way home we also were travelling at night and at one point when most everyone except the driver was sleeping the van suddenly made some horrible quick turns.....I was jerked awake and braced myself for a crash before ever opening my eyes. We sped up again and nothing happened. However Noah was driving and he had to dodge a couch that was laying on the road.I could only pray that no one would have a wreck! It was a great trip but so hard to believe we did it without Jonathan.

 My older sons have had a busy month with the youth group. They did a Christmas Program. Lots of evening practices and then going to local churches to share it. They loved it! On Friday evening they were at the Mennonite Church in Greeneville TN. On the way home they stopped at starbucks for a drink. The lady was curious as to what they were doing, a group of 20 some people all dressed in matching clothes is enough to draw curiosity. After explaining to her the occasion they asked her if they can sing a song in there and she said"Yes". They got into a certain degree of standing arrangement and sang The Hallelujah Chorus. Everyone was so blessed and thought it just "made the night". I loved the singing too but I sure will not miss washing and ironing the chorus clothes. Ironing does not happen to be my hobby!!

 I also got to help cook at the youth Christmas supper on Thursday evening. I love being with the youth group but I guess that is not hard to understand since 4 of my boys are a part of it. The youth group has always been a special part of our lives.

 Christmas will be hard because he is not here. Christmas will be happy because Jesus came. Christmas will remind us that life is possible because Jesus is our Comforter. And Christmas will live on in our hearts because of The Cross. My Jesus is not a baby in a manger, He died on a cruel cross, but best of all He rose again and is Alive and gives me Hope, Courage, and  a Future with Him.

 A Mary Heart, A Stable Baby, A Miracle Man, A Crucified Savior, A Risen Lord, A Bright Future!

Rearranged

All loss is grief, and all grief is a forced rearranging of life.

I read that on the blog mundanefaithfulness.  It has become one of my favorite blogs to follow because we have much in common. If you want to be inspired and blessed I encourage you to read it.

A year ago I dared to hope that maybe Jonathan was going to get well. For you see, his last chemo was in May 2014 and after that he kept getting better, stronger, less pain and almost no pain pills. We had gone to a wedding in October in OH and he forgot to take his cane so he walked without it of course. He used it very little the following month unless he went outside. On Nov. 23, 2014 I commented his walking and told him he walks so well he barely limped at all. He was enjoying his mobility and less pain so much. The very next day, Nov. 24, 2014 he told me that his leg hurts like crazy! That was the week of thanksgiving and he continued to be more uncomfortable. From there on the pain continued to escalate. I can't help but wonder what happened inside of him that made it so prescisly obvious from there on.
 Back in 2003 when he had his first cancer battle and then the stroke we were forced to rearrange our lives and learn how to function as a family with a husband/ daddy with a serious speech impairment. We adjusted with lots of hard knocks and lots of prayer. In 2013 when he again was in the cancer fight we rearranged our lives and schedules. Traveling to Mexico, being gone from home for weeks, sickness, sleepless nights, new eating habits and cooking much healthier, staying at home most of the time, fainting, and the constant living with pain. It was a constant stress that we adjusted too.
 Seven and a half month after his leaving we are still adjusting, still feeling rearranged. I go away a lot more, out with friends. And I do not have that thought that I need to hurry and get home because he is alone at the house. No, that is no longer a part of my thoughts. We make family plans without saying," we need to see if Daddy is feeling up to it".I move furniture without considering if he will like it or if it will affect his comfort.I cannot get used to packing for a trip and not pack all his stuff...pills, vitamins, pillows for comfort, water, blanket etc. etc. Now I have so little to pack for myself I always forget something. Last weekend I forgot my comb! My sister doesn't know that I searched the bathroom drawer and found one to use the 2 mornings that I was there. Its crazy, I went from packing a lot of important things for him and having a list of stuff, to forgetting a few basics for myself! I won't tell you how many times I have made mistakes in cooking, how often I have forgotten, how scared I become at the thought of being in a crowd, or how seriously my identity is rearranged. I mean, I used to be Jonathan's wife, who am I now?



 Ok, so we are still in the rearranging process. finding new normals, new everythings, but it is coming, slowly. I think another beatitude could be,
        BLESSED ARE THE FLEXIBLE....
 I will never be happy if I am not willing to be rearranged.

I was remembering Jonathan's amazing ability to laugh. My sister said last weekend that she thinks we use to laugh more when Jonathan was with us. I think so to! And I miss that a lot in our home! He did not get so up tight with life or the children. He lived life and was serious often, but most of the time he would not allow stress or noise or nonsense to control him. He laughed when it was funny and sometimes even when it wasn't. He was able to bring laughter to our table, he allowed the boys the priviledge to make mistakes and laugh without making them feel bad. His laughter brought rest to tight situations.
 The Bible says LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE. I wonder why it didn't cure cancer. However I am sure that it helps to ease the rearrangements of life.

Calm...The Storm or The Child ?

Rain, rain, rain. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying, I'm tired of the rain and I would love a warm sunny week. This weather is great for the duckies or anything with feathers. Maybe I should try to make a ducky feather outfit. Really tho', I'm not outside in the rain much so I guess that isn't the problem. I'm staying warm and dry, no reason at all to fuss. The lack of sunshine, well it just seems really, really dreary. It's the kind of weather when it is really necessary to turn up the music, loud of course! And an extra cup of coffee with some dove chocolates, well that makes any day just a little bit better! But the sun would be a big bonus!
 Do you ever notice that all your problems double in size on a rainy day? It's really hard to find the proper perspective on the hard things in life on a rainy day. It's the day when the cup is only half full, when the thorns are all you notice on the roses and your nerves are tight and its a super bad day to do bookwork or clean a dirty basement.
 Its a day when my mind can go a million places at once, I'm a women, I can actually think and work at the same time. No offense guys!
 Why does our Great and Mighty God allow so many people to be hurting...
 Why are children going to bed hungry every night...
 Why are Mommies and daddies dying from cancer
 Why are innocent people killed because of wicked peoples bombs
 Why are babies left to die alone without love
 Why are widoes crying alone at night
 Why are young people left to struggle alone through life
 Why are there homeless and hungry on our city streets
 Why is there so much violence and greed
 Why are some mommies crying because their arms are empty and aching
 And why are other mommies wishing they had more freedom
 Why does a Daddy choose to leave his family crying in the night as he goes off alone
 Why do other Daddies cry at night because a child does not come home
 Why do good mommies and daddies get sick and die while wicked parents live and continue to beat there families
 Why are children getting cancer and  suffering long painful deaths
 Do you understand a God that allows all this unfairness, and evil and hardship!

Nov.21 2013

What would you fix, change or improve if you had the power to make a difference in some way? I am constantly reminded that I am not here to stay. And I am pretty sure that if everything were just as I wanted it I would never want to leave these dusty streets. And I think God knows that so He keeps us just a little distressed, just a little restless, and lacking all of total happiness, because He has to make us homesick for Heaven somehow. No, I don't understand the plan or the reason for the hard in life but I know He has a plan for you and for me. I know that He is in full control, I know that I am His servant and He tells me what to do, not the other way around. Sometimes in our search for God and happiness we tell Him what we want and we tell him what to do. My God is much bigger then that. He is not swinging on the limbs of a windy tree being tossed around by mere peoples wishes. No, He is a big God that knows the end and best for all things. When I tell him what I want He gets to decide if the answer is yes or no and I can be assured that his answer is best, even when it feels wrong. Isn't it freedom to serve a God like that! Faith does not become angry or demanding, it will always accept his Will as the right plan. It's hard, terribly hard, I will be the first to admit that I wanted a different plan for my life and my children...but God had another plan. Honestly, its still hard for me to really say that His plan is better then mine. I know in my heart that it is better, but it still does not feel better. I can only see through my earthly eyes and I see sons that need their Dad, I see me, that needs his stability and support. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting used to this drastic change, I can function on a decent level, and then other days I have no idea how I will ever be able to keep going without him. I love the words to the following song....
  Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered peace be still
  He can settle any sea but it doesn't mean He will
 Sometimes He holds us close as the winds and waves go wild
 Sometimes he calms the storm and other times He calms His child.

summer 2014

That is where I find myself over and over. And that is how I can keep going one day after the other. I have no idea how anyone can possibly get through the hard things in life without a Loving Heavenly Father.
 We are never going to get away from hurting situations and sad people until we get to Glory. But we can lift the weary hands, comfort the crying heart, and pray for our fallen brother. Words of encouragement, flowers, food and many random acts of kindness are ways that we have been blessed and it means so much and makes dark days a whole light brighter! We are here to urge each other on, life is to hard to fight the battles alone.To walk beside another is truly a real sign of caring. We teach our children to be kind. When they are still toddlers we say, Be kind to your friends". You know what? Kindness is still needed when we grow up!
 REAL SIMPLE KINDNESS WILL HELP TO CALM THE STORM....
WHAT WILL YOU DO TODAY FOR YOUR NEIGHBOR?

The Happy and The Sad

Ever since we new that a grandbaby is on the way we have all been so excited, and the discussions in our family room have been hilarious at times! We only know how to imagine baby boys in this family and most of us talked about this baby as a boy. The boys were excited about...........
                                           being uncles, whew they love the idea!
                                           this little guy was going to learn to play football at a really young age
                                          and build muscles like no other 3 year old
                                          and tussle with his uncles
                                         and Carlin, well it was going to take care of all the boredom when his big
                                        brothers go to youth activities.
                
                  AND THEN.......the ultra sound said, ITS A GIRL!!!!!!

Yes, a girl in this Zook family! How exciting is that!! No we are not disappointed, not even a little! I guess because I had 5 boys, I find baby boys quite attractive, in fact I love baby boys! But, I'm already imagining bonding with a little girl, and buying pretty girl toys( this house seriously lacks nice girl toys), and browsing baby girl sections at the store. I will buy pink blankets, and hair bows, and girlie socks and, and, and.......well I don't know what all.

this is the cake

And now the boys will get to practice their gentlemanliness on another female besides just me! And hopefully she will be a lil lady and not a rowdy tomboy.....but what's the chance! You go figure!
 All this excitement is awesome, but it is saddened because she will never know her grandfather Zook. And he would be such a great one. He loved children and since his speech/stroke he had his own special funny way of doing baby chatter.

the happy couple

 We had a big deal on Wed. eve. when we learned the gender of this child. A good friend, Gina, made a cake and hid 2 little stars inside the cake. The one star was pink the other one yellow. The yellow one was just for fun, the pink one was to tell us it is a girl.
 Let me back up a little. Randall's had the ultra sound done on Wed. They asked Gina to make the cake and then we cut it here at our house. We did not know the gender until we found the pink star. Mary cut a piece of cake for all of us then we, at the same time dug into our piece to find the object that would reveal the secret. It was in Jeremy's piece of cake and it did not take him long to find it! Now remember, Mary's family lives in Montana and they needed to be in on this too so everyone connected via Skype. Believe me, it was a big deal, almost like being on FOX news! So we are excited! Terribly excited!

 And while we rejoice we also are aware that others also are hurting. Yesterday a 70 year old man from PA was killed in a logging accident. I went to school with his daughters and spent overnight at their house. What a shock! Another friend's husband has a brain tumor and not doing well, another friend who I have only "met" on caring bridge also has a cancer husband. Another young friend has a disease that has no cure and she has lots of pain. Its a sad hurting world that we live in.
 I find it so comforting to know that Jonathan has no more pain and Heaven is awesome. Jonathan's cousin had a dream recently. He dreamed that he was sitting in church and they were singing a song about Heaven. Suddenly Jonathan appeared in front of him and with a happy glowing face said,"Its awesome, you aught to see it", and then he disappeared! and the dream ended. I miss him like crazy and I am so sad that I have to do life without him, but to know that he is happy, pain free, can talk perfectly......that is perfection at its best!
 Jonathan loved reunions, and yesterday when I heard about the logging accident that took Fred I imagined Jonathan welcoming him into those Pearly Gates. My neighbor reminded me at Jonathan's viewing that "He can talk now," and his wife added," I bet they can't shut him up"! That was Jonathan, lots of friends and lots to talk about. I am sure that all the people that are joining him are adding to his joy. Its going to be the best reunion ever when we all get there.
 
 THE LORD GIVETH AND THE LORD TAKETH< BLESSED BE HIS NAME.

Another Milestone

Hours slip into days, days turn into weeks, the weeks fly by and month by month time keeps moving along. New firsts, new feelings and new emotions rise up, Its hard to sift through all of it and sometimes its easier to simply stay busy and not process all the "hard". But you know what, no matter how busy I get, no matter how much I try to not think because it hurts, it still gets me sooner or later. Something always eventually happens that ends the good days, for a season. And then the grief process becomes so painfully real and there is nothing to do except walk right through it, embrace it, and hold on tight to God.
  I thought I was going to write several weeks ago and I had even started but......
  Maybe I was to busy.....
  Maybe I couldn't process my feelings enough to write....
  Maybe...
 Here I am. October 5th we hit the 6 month mark that Jonathan left his earthly body for  his NEW glorified one. October 15th was supposed to be his 45th birthday, but instead he won't be counting years anymore. Time does not matter in Heaven so I'm sure age doesn't either. We still wanted to say Happy Birthday to him and we hoped Jesus said "happy birthday" every time he looked at him. We still have earthly minds and we still think earthly thoughts and we think Jesus is ok with that.
 I had wanted to do something special every day on birthday week. Something that I used to do all the time for him. Something that was just part of life while I cared for him. But, the week was busy, really busy. Two of those days I was involved in school activities so I was not at home. One day I made fried pies and one night we hosted guests from PA and so the week flew by. I did however manage to make myself a green juice one day. I used to make him a green juice every day and I used to drink them too, but I had not made one green juice since he left. It was delicious! I want to do more this winter. I honestly love it. You should try it, it is so healthy!!
 A hand full of kale
 a cluster of cilantro
6 inches of cucumber
1 green apple
1 whole lemon, rind and all
I inch of fresh ginger root
 put it all into the juicer and you will have a refreshing smooth drink
I had wanted to make a carrot juice and a red beet juice too but I will have to do that later. Carrot cake with cream cheese frosting was his favorite cake and I used to always make it on his birthday. That was before sick days.I did get to make a carrot cake several days later but instead of one big cake I made several small ones to give away because it is not the boys favorite cake and I didn't want it to spoil. Last year I made him some healthy carrot cupcakes that he really liked and Carlin has been begging me to make those again so I will try to do that soon. They are gluten and sugar free and yes they are very yummy!
 I have tried more baking in the month of October then I had done in the previous months. It has been taking me a long time to get back into making food! O sure, I could do the normal cooking if it wasn't anything new or difficult. I just have not been adventourus at all and tried new things. I used to read cookbooks and loved trying new recipes, but it seems "used to" died. Anything that I had to really think to do in recipes was not a good idea to try. Let me tell you about my Sat. on Oct.10th.
It was a rainy cold day, I think it was like the 3rd Sat. that it had rained and I was tired of rainy Saturdays! I decided to make the house smell good and warm it up by baking. For a number of weeks I had been craving something pumpkin and cream cheese. It had to be something to go with my morning coffee, because that is about the only time that I eat anything sweet. Morning + coffee + something sweet= a good start to the day. I found a pumpkin cake recipe and decided to make cupcakes. I used a cream cheese filling from a chocolate cupcake recipe, and put a spoonful into each cupcake. then I took a strusal topping from a coffee cake and put it on top of that. O, and there were chocolate chips in the cream cheese too and I sprinkled pumpkin seeds on top to make them look healthy. In this case looks were very deceiving! They were delicious but the cream cheese did not sink into the pumpkin batter like I had planned and the looks were not picture perfect, it just spread over the top and baked like that. I was disgusted but...
 Next I decided to make a lemon pound cake. I had been wanting one for several weeks. I had been to starbucks and they had a delicious lemon pound cake and then I remembered a recipe I used to make and this was the day to try it. I found some coconut sugar in the cupboard that I figured I should use up since it was there for a very long time and coconut and lemon are my 2 best flavors after chocolate so I figured it would be just fine. I also hated to put shortening into this cake with all of its evils so I put coconut oil in it instead, hey, might as well make it a little bit healthy! I had the mixer running and was checking with Google on the amounts of coconut oil versus shortening and was happily mixing up this cake that I was so eager to eat. I couldn't find my pound cake pan, remember I hadn't used it for 2 years, so I decided I would bake it in a regular cake pan and eat square pieces instead of nice pound pieces, but I was ok with that. Well that cake would not rise beyond a half inch. I pulled it out of the oven and glared at it then I opened the cookbook again to try and figure out what went wrong......I don't remember putting the eggs or the baking soda into the batter! Sigh!! The chickens got the cake. I was still not done trying to bake and I figured I could do pumpkin pies. They are so easy and you do not need a lot of brains to mix up pumpkin pies. I turned on the oven to get it hot. Wait! The element in the bottom had a really bright spot on it and I was a little worried, I sure did not want to fight a fire, I was at home alone. So with my eyes in the stove I continued to mix the pies. I was making 4. Suddenly the element went out and it would not come back on so I new I could not bake my pies. I called my good daughter-in-law and asked her if I could take the pies to her house to bake and of course she said yes. I put a lid on the batter bowl and put the crusts on a cookie sheet and was ready to head out the door and THEN, I thought, What in the world are you doing, I have a stove in the basement that works perfectly fine??? I took everything downstairs, I poured that batter into those crusts and was scraping it all out smooth AND OH NO....I forgot to put the cinnamon, salt and nutmeg into that batter. If you are wondering if I'm Ok, I can understand the question. I sprinkled a little of each on each pie and used my little whisk to stir it in. I put them in the oven and they baked to perfection without burning! Needless to say I was tired of trying to bake that day so I washed up the mess and quit! My frustration level was high and I could not believe the failure I was. Baking used to be fun, exciting and mostly successful. Am I loosing my head or my mind? I know I lost my husband but maybe I lost my mind to.....people don't usually know it if they loose their minds so maybe I did.... lets talk about something else less complicated. I was able to laugh about it by the end of the day, maybe I'm still OK, Maybe?
 Its the time of the year when days are getting shorter and the nights longer. I like the summer hours much better! Believe me I could not live in Alaska where the days are really, really short. I like the sunshine and long summer days so much better. Did you know that you get vitamin d from the sun, and that almost no one gets enough vitamin D. Studies have shown that even the people that live in the sunny and warm states have low levels of vitamin D. It is a good idea to supplement with vitamin D3, for sure in the winter time. Vitamin D3 is also known as the happy pill. If you feel down and depressed try taking it for several weeks or months and see if you can't feel a difference. Another really good idea for winter time health is a rebounder. It is a mini trampoline that you can have in the house. They are super good at getting your lymphatic system moving! The lymphatic system removes waste from every cell in your body while regulating the immune system. and believe me, we all have toxins in us that need to be sent on out. The lymphatic system works only by gravity so if you do not move, neither does your lymphatic system. Did you ever wonder why humans get sick more in the winter? Less sun, less activity and more junk food over the holidays play and extremely large role in our winter time sickness.
 So you might want to drink green smoothies, take vitamin D3, and stay active and cut out the junk food! But then again, you might rather be sick, its a free world and its up to you!
 The past 6 month have been hard and challenging. I know what its like to.....
   wake up in the morning and force myself out of bed
   move along with the daily grind of life just because I have to

Flowers that came this month

  be in a big crowd of people and feel very alone
  hate being in a crowd of people
 have no idea what to cook because I'm not even slightly hungry
 feel panic because the future looks scary and overwhelming
                I also know.....
         THAT GOD NEVER FAILS ME OR FORGETS ABOUT ME.

Indian day at school

 That is why I can put one foot in front of the other and go about my duties.

birthday cake from Jonathans sister

 I wonder when I will like crowds of people and I wonder when cooking and baking will again become easy and fun? I wonder a lot of things, but until then we will continue to cross new milestones.
 

Organized Packrat

I like stuff, pretty stuff, old stuff and new stuff. Most of my stuff has some value because of where it came from so I guess I am a little bit sentimental. That can cause and even greater problem to the stuff. I don't know why I'm hearing so much about being organized and I don't know why it seems like my toes are being stepped on! Yes' I am very aware that my house needed a good dose of organizing and sorting and, well, maybe even getting rid of stuff. But why is it that suddenly this year I feel weary with my stuff? I don't remember that it was a problem before...I can't understand why this new revelation suddenly appeared.


Sept.22,2014

 I was at a ladies seminar recently and one of the topics was about being organized and how to get rid of stuff. It was a really good session with a really good speaker but I am even more convinced that my house will always have more clutter and more stuff then my properly organized lady friends. Last weeks speaker does not think its a good idea to give décor for a gift...I disagree. Because, I have received many beautiful gifts that I never would have bought for myself but since they were a gift I get to enjoy them. I will admit though that precisely that, is one reason I have to much stuff. New gifts came in and I don't have any idea what to do with my old stuff because its still nice and I still like it a lot!! Maybe the speaker had a point...its not a really sharp one. She did not suggest what we should give but maybe she was thinking fabric since that is practical and she owns a fabric store!! O dear, One can only wear so many dresses.
 Jonathan liked stuff too and he was sentimental too! Several years ago I had a yard sale and I was going to sell the potty chair. It was given to me when my first son was ready to start using it and I potty trained all my boys with it. I thought that now I was done using it so selling it made sense. He did not think so. He rescued it from the yard sale and put it back up to the attic because...well I don't know why, but he did not want me to get rid of it. Maybe the grandchildren...hmm...Is that a grandma's job? I think now is the time to tell you that I am going to be a grandma!! Yes, me a grandma. I thought they used to be old ladies, but I guess I was wrong. Randall and Mary are going to be parents the end of Feb. I am so excited!!
 Back to organizing...So I like stuff but I like to be organized too. Its possible to be orderly with stuff but its a bigger job. I also have lots of stuff that is not fun to deal with. I need to go through medical stuff, sift through health info and  lots of stuff that was part of life when Jonathan was still here. Test kits and a wheel chair, his cane, lots of vitamins etc. Its all here still waiting to be dealt with, and I don't know how to do it! Slowly but surely I am disposing, organizing, sorting, making decisions, and well, I'm Ok.Cards and letters were a huge blessing and I never counted them but there were many! I will keep them for a long time and read them when I am bored but they need an organized spot where they belong. I don't want to be a pack rat and hord stuff but stuff that is special to me is to hard to get rid of! So whether I am a pack rat or not could be a matter of opinion, but I hope to at least be an organized packrat. And just in case that organized lady speaker reads this, I would hope she is not slighted by my opinion that differs from hers. I can't imagine taking so much stuff to the thrift store that my children are afraid they are gonna be next!!Her sense of humor was awesome!


Oct.22,2014

Oct.22,2014

 A year ago Jonathan was feeling so good. Just getting better and better! He had spent a day at a local auction and he loved it. I was with him and would move his chair with him then he would sit until the auction moved on to the next spot. He bought several things that day with one being a leaf blower. Later that evening or the next week he was outside blowing leaves. He loved being outside just as much as he could. One day Carlin was playing in the leaves all by himself so Jonathan went outside to join him. He laid down in the pile of leaves and Carlin covered him up then he exploded out of them. It was so special watching him do that knowing that his leg was still hurting him. He was making memories and I'm so glad I took pictures! It's so hard to believe all that took place this past year
 I know that God is orderly and makes no mistakes...I will trust Him. 
                                   

Never

a fine group of friends

I know that one should never say never, especially in a marriage. Never say....You never take out the trash... You never clean up the house...you never have dinner ready on time...You never listen to me... You never put the children to bed... You never ask my opinion. The list could be endless, but you get the picture. And you should never, ever give your spouse a reason to say those words!! This is not a marriage counseling post.

the beautiful center piece on the table

 Its this... Lately I have been grasping the meaning of the word never, and the picture is not attractive. I will never again hear him walk into the house, I will never again share coffee with him, I will never again listen to his advice, I will never again find him in a crowd of people, never again will he compliment on a new dress, never will he direct his sons, never will he blow the fork lift horn at me when I'm working in the yard and he is on the barn lot. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER.
 Sometimes I'm discouraged with me. I just want the old me back. I just really want to be ME. The me that I used to know, The me that used to sing and work, the me that loved life and working and had lots of energy. It seems that ME died. I was struggling with that a lot. But the more I read widow books and talked to others that have walked this road, the more I am beginning to realize that IT IS NORMAL, and I still don't like it. And so my mind did some more thinking. For 24 years he was my life, we did almost everything together, at least major stuff. I was young when I got married so I was never independent. I went from living with my parents and depending on them straight to my young husband. I didn't even have a drivers license before I was married! OK, It wasn't because I was to young to have a license, I wasn't that young when I got married. It was because I was Amish and when I drove anywhere I had to say git-up and whoa. So he even helped me get a license! For the first 6 years I packed his lunch and he went off to work, then the business he worked for moved within 5 minutes from our house and he came home for lunch every day. It was great having him come home at noon and the boys loved it. One day my little boys, they were probably 4and 5, decided they did not want him to go back to work after lunch so they conspired with me and we pulled the keys from his truck and hid them. It was all lots of fun as he was chasing the boys around the house trying to locate the keys. Of course after awhile he really did need to go to work so I let him find the keys. That was not funny! Somehow in their little minds they must have tho't that they really were going to keep him home and the disappointment was huge. He went to work and I got to help some angry little boys get happy again. After we moved to VA in 2001 he worked at home so we ate every meal together. In fact with him here all the time I could go to the shop and talk to him whenever I needed to. He could come in and fix whatever was leaking or help me move furniture at any time. I know I was spoiled! In 2003 when he got cancer and had a major stroke we did many things together, anything from dr. checkups and there were many, to excersices to stimulate brain cell growth, and speech therapy. We would always eat at Olive gardens after a cancer checkup and just use that as our own little time together. Since 2013 we spent even more time together then normal, and I was his primary caretaker for these last 2 years of sickness. Is it any wonder that my life is so tore up! The sadness I feel in everything I do is a result of major change. I can accomplish projects that we had planned on doing for years but completion is only half as fun since I can't share it with him. Pontooning was fun 2 weeks ago but the constant tho't of missing him was so real!I can't even go shopping without the stark reality that I will never buy him a thing again and I will never get his smile of approval on a piece of new clothing for me. Never again will he encourage me to try something new. Life will never be the same again and in this case never really means NEVER. Yes I expect I will get a new normal, I expect I will enjoy life again and I even expect that the songs will return but my loss will never go away and I will never get over it...at least that's what the books say. And I still am trying to learn to be OK with that. And life still goes on and laundry still needs to be washed and groceries need to be bought and windows still need to be cleaned and sons still need to be prayed for and listened too.

Olive Gardens yummy birthday offering

 Somehow I thought that by 5 month it would be much better, that I would function without so much sadness, that songs would not trigger so many tears but... I was wrong. It hurts when my son says with tears that I just want to talk with Dad. He just needs his dad to listen to him and fix his struggles. Maybe not even fix them but simply to listen. Thank You God that you are here for the fatherless. Last week was also the day I made history in my parents home.In fact my daddy had a very unique way of telling someone that a new baby arrived. I was born during the night, at home, and in a hurry, I beat the dr. The next morning a feed salesman came to the farm and Dad in all seriousness told him that a little girl came to the house last night and she had no clothes on. The salesman was shocked and said," What are you going to do with her?" My dad replied," I think we will just keep her." He thought that was such a good joke and always laughed when he said that story.
 Many people blessed me on Thursday and I have concluded again that I am surrounded by some awesome people. Text messages, emails and phone calls, flowers, bread, cookies, cakes, a frappe and other gifts showed up at my door. Lunch was brought in for me and my guys and the children took me out to Ruby Tuesday for supper. On Tuesday several friends were together for brunch and they gifted me then too. Two friends took me to Starbucks on fri. morning. Carlin said that he wishes he would have as many friends as I do! Recently a big box came by UPS and had lots of Norwecks products in it. A niece is a distributor and she took orders for me. Wow! I was shocked! Thanks to my sisters, my mom and my nieces and other friends. Now I have to clean! Thank you to everyone...you have blessed and inspired me again by so much kindness.
 On Friday evening the Zook ladies from this area and TN met in Bristol for supper at Olive Gardens to celebrate my birthday. I missed the 3 sister-in-laws that couldn't be there but Africa, OK, and NC was just a lil to far for an evening outing. It was a fun evening and we think we should do it more often, after all, there are a bunch of us and we would have plenty of birthdays that we could celebrate.
And the daddies could have extra bonding time with the young-uns.I think that is such a good plan.

At Olive Gardens

Jeremy ..3 more days with the cast

 Jeremy thinks the past 3 weeks have been the slowest ever! He has high hopes of getting rid of his cast on Wed. He does not function well doing nothing so I try to dream up stuff he can do with one arm but its not enough to keep him busy all the time.
 NEVER GIVE UP AND NEVER GIVE IN, GOD IS WITH US AND WE WILL OVERCOME  
 
 
 

Pressed and Broken

I think I told you that I needed to can salsa. Well I did, I mean we did. My daughter-in-law and I canned 40 quart on Monday and I need to do another 10 or 15. Honestly we don't live on salsa but we like it a whole lot!! And its a healthy snack...tomatoes, peppers and onions from the garden, non GMO if you please. I skip the sugar, duh, why would salsa need sugar, I use apple cider vinegar and homemade tomato paste. I was having a hard time getting it spiced to the slightly hot degree because my jalopeno peppers were not hot this year so I put some habeneros in, just a little and the flavor is great. I know by now you are drolling, it makes me want to eat some now too but I can't type and eat...I can't text and drive either! The problem with the healthy part is that the chips we eat with it are not exactly a health food, but they are a yummy snack. We also eat salsa with breakfast burritos, I put it in rice dishes and chicken casseroles. The flavor adds that special touch to a lot of foods and we love it. The most interesting thing about my boys and salsa is that they do not like plain tomatoes, onions, or peppers! (A few of them like peppers and onions) I think that is kind of weird...I mean all those things are the main ingredients to salsa. And then I thought, hmm, is that how God looks at me? Did He say,"You would be better if I turned up the heat, if I pressed you and mixed you until you lost your identity."And I ask God," Why, Why did I need to be tried so hard, why the heat on me, could I not be useful without this? I don't know, I really don't know. I would like to believe that he could have used me for His Glory without all this. Its some hard food for tho't, its some I don't even like but maybe...maybe? I want my goal to continually be to honor Him, to come forth as gold after the fire. But the fire hurts and I hate it.
 And then came the broken part. Literally! Jeremy broke his arm on Tuesday. I was 2 hours away visiting a friend. My phone rang and the voice said," This is Nate from JZ Barns, what shall I do with your son that possibly has a broken arm?' I replied with, "Tell me you are joking." To bad, but he wasn't joking!OK, not a whole lot a mother can do 2 hours away except make a few phone calls which I did so his Uncle Nate took him to the DR. and then to the hospital for xrays. I got a call about 2 hours later saying it is broken and then the nurse called me several times with further instructions for the following day to get it set and casted. It was all a fairly smooth process. He was tired of his cast less then 24 hours later but he had to get over it! In case you are wondering what happened....he was in the shop, building barns of course, actually, well, not right then. He said he was building biceps! He has been jumping up and grabbing rafters and swinging along to the other end. I had asked him one day if he ever tho't about what might happen if he missed the next rafter and yes he had, but he wasn't planning to miss. Well he wanted to turn around and head the other way and the combination of turning and lunging forward to grab the rafter didn't quite go as planned and he found himself on the floor with his right arm in pain under him. Had he just dropped straight down on his legs he would have been fine but because he was stretched out he landed on the floor laying on his side. Its only the 3rd time he broke a bone...when he was 5 he broke a leg on the trampoline and several years ago he fell and hurt his arm and we had it xrayed and they said it was a sprain and he had it in a sling for a week or so but last week the Dr. said his arm was broken before now so I guess it was broken that time too. Grandma Zook said that 8 grandchildren have had broken bones. I'm thinking the Zooks are high maintenance! In fact 4 of our 5 sons have had broken bones. The oldest only broke a finger, the next broke his arm playing football, and David and Jeremy both broke legs on the trampoline. I don't know what I'm supposed to do different!


my mother and 4 sisters

 My yard sale is finally history!! Yippee! I had wanted to have a yard sale in 2013 but then cancer changed all my plans. I had lots of stuff cluttering up this old house and it feels so good to be cleaned out!The best part about the yard sale was that 2 sisters from PA came Wed. eve. and helped me set up. The other best part was that on Fri. morning my Mother and 2 sisters from OH drove in and surprised us all. The 6 of us sat under the shade tree and watched people, Oh and talked a lot too. It was just great! The other best part was that I sold a lot of stuff! So it was pretty much all good but I was super tired when Sat. night rolled around.

missing him like crazy



 If you feel pressed and broken you  might want to believe that God wants to make something beautiful with you. It doesn't take the hurt away but it might help to bear the pain just a little bit. 
 
 

I think I Can Through Christ

This is a 2013 picture,I think about August
 

 Life continues to go on and we are very busy. The garden has done quite well, weeds and all, and the birds got way to much of the corn and the ground hogs got some cucumbers and the rabbits ate to much lettuce. They all seem to enjoy the free smorgasboard and they make me mad but then again its out there, no fence or anything to restrain them so why not...its a free world...well almost, at least for the animals it is. I still got plenty and I have another batch of later corn I hope to enjoy and I also hope to can lots of tomato goodies. This family eats salsa like there is no tomorrow!!


He loved the rhubarb pie that a friend brought.

 Its 4 month now since we said good-by to Jonathan. Time has a way of moving fast and many things have happened. Things like buying a new vehicle, the family room floor was repaired and new carpet put in, the property was sold that we had bought for hunting land and then it hadn't panned out so well, several major projects that were a trial got swiped off the list. Big sigh of relief and a loud Thank you Jesus!! I am so very grateful for all those answers to prayers.
 And so I suppose you would imagine that I am on my way rejoicing. Lets say I am trying and not always successful but I can with Christ. I am aware of the quote that says...A Negative mind will never produce a Positive life. So does that mean that my mind controls who I am and what I do? I know that if I focus on " I hate being a widow", I hate all the new adjustments", I hate being in  charge, I hate this new life. It is true, I really do hate it but dwelling on it is not helping me to be productive and I know that. Its just not always easy to act on my better knowledge. So what is a persons option? I remember when I was a little girl we had this book that was about a train engine going up a mountain,pulling a long train. He had to work very hard and began to chant,"I think I can, I think I can. When he got to the top of the hill and started down the other side his chant changed to " I thought I could, I thought I could". When I'm struggling with the hard things in life I think about the little engine" I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. And then I remember Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Isn't that a special verse!! I wonder if you struggle with anything? I wonder if you could use that promise? What is the hard work you need to do? Does God really care about every day struggles or does it only apply to life changing issues? I'm sure He cares about that huge laundry pile, that daunting stack of bills, those baskets of tomatoes that need to be processed, my attitude that needs and adjustment, my negative brain that refuses to think positive thoughts, those 25 pounds of extra weight, and the list goes on and on and on. You fill in the blanks, you tell God what you need help with and then claim that verse. Maybe you need the power to eat salad instead of ice cream, maybe you need to go have coffee with a friend and fix that broken friendship, maybe you need to invite a friend to cook salsa and work together. Whatever it is you really can do it, but you might really need to ask God for his help. I am simple enough to believe that God is interested in the simple as well as the difficult. He cares about all the things that trouble you.
 I am aware that life is not fair and that we all face things that were not in our plans.But I am so very grateful that all the promises in the Bible are meant for each individual person and the journey that you are on. Remember Jonathan's favorite line," It's gonna be OK".
 Last week it was a year that we went to KS for my nephews wedding. I regret that I did not take more pictures on that trip. We had so much fun!! My 82 year old mother, 2 of my sisters and their husbands and us. We all packed into a conversion van and it was one big party. We had not been planning to go along, after all, Jonathan was recovering from surgery, chemo, radiation and was on crutches. I never even considered going until one day he said that he wishes we were going to that wedding. Well when they heard that he wanted to go they made it possible and I am grateful for those memories! The 2 pictures of him laughing are the only pictures I took and for those of you that knew him will almost be able to hear him laugh. I have wracked my brain trying to remember what had been so funny but I cannot recall it. Somehow I think it was something my mother said but...Its gone. Happy anniversary Jesse and Jolana, You helped us make some great memories.
 This was the week for breaks. On Monday when we attempted to make fry pies the fryer would not light, or it would not stay lit. Several days later and several hundred dollars shorter it is now in working order again thanks to my father-in-law. My vacuum cleaner decided it picked up enough dirt and is sending out a high pitched protest and a nasty hot smell. I guess we should have hard wood floors and use a broom and dust pan to clean up. But thankfully vacuum cleaners can be repaired and carpets can be enjoyed.
 My friend Marty has spent another week at my house. She has earned titles like "best friend", best second mom, and best big sister". She talks of going home and we all try to extend her stay for several more days.I of course love having another female in the house. Someone who sees things from the same point of view that I do. That is one down side from living in a house full of males..our views differ and most times I am out numbered. Jeremy asked her yesterday why she always sides with me and she said, " Because your mom needs my support". Its all part of the fun we have together and the joy of family life.
 I met with a good friend for lunch yesterday. She to, knows way to much about cancer. The pain, the chemo, the overwhelming tiredness, the reality of fighting hard and wanting to live long for her family. Its not just pain that hurts, its pain that hurts the very core of your soul, pain of seeing your children in fear and anxiety because mommy is sick, pain of feeling that life is not fair for them. Its real and it hurts like crazy.
 Is life fair? NO. Is God good? YES! Is it a matter of the mind? No. But your mind does matter. Because how I allow my mind to look at my circumstances will help my perspective. I will never have a bright day if I paint black strokes on my pages, I will never get past despair if I only dwell in the middle of it. So Yes, I believe that the things I focus on do have the power to make me who I am.
 What are you going to focus on today? The things you like or the things you don't like? The things you can change or the things you can't change? The big problem that blocks your view of a bright tomorrow or the Bigger God who can change the view.
           I think Can Through Christ

My sister and her husband with us before the 2014 surgery

Kindness Through His Hands, Feet and Voice

So many people have touched our lives again in the past 2 weeks. You see July 6th was supposed to be our 24th wedding anniversary. It was a bitter sweet kind of day. We were backyard camping with the Zook family. Everyone was there except Jonathan. His brothers and families from Kenya Africa and Oaklahoma were able to join us this year too. Monday morning we sat together and remembered our wedding. I even went back home and changed into a white dress after some coaxing from a sister. We sang songs that Jonathan had chosen at some of the latest gatherings we had attended. We laughed and we cried together. Later in the day we filled 50 or more balloons with helium and tied a note on to each one that had his name and my address on and then we stood together and let them go. There was a strong wind from the west and those balloons took off into the eastern sky and were out of sight in no time . It was beautiful!! Flowers and gift cards blessed us once again from family and friends. Thank-You, thank-you.

 Tony set off a Chinese lantern into the night sky several times and that was really neat too. Little 5 year old Cody was watching it disappear into the sky and suddenly he said," We are sending you something Jonathan, its a surprise". I thought that was so cute and special coming from a little guy and we were not even talking about Jonathan, he just said it all on his own thinking.
 The children had a lot of fun with every kind of glow sticks that you can buy. It was dark and they were running around the yard twirling the lights and making designs. Suddenly they were calling me to come to them up on the bank. I was so impressed with their creativity. In the yard they had put lots of glow sticks together and had written Jonathan. It was soo sweet and it all felt like kindness. I am so blessed with love and support.
 And then we traveled to PA to attend a wedding of my niece. It was another "first". not the kind of thing that is a whole lot of fun but then again I really did want to be with my family. The wedding was beautiful and the couple was so happy so it really was a happy day. Its just that on all these occasions I am keenly aware of my loss.But in spite of it all it was great being with family and friends again.
 I'm also constantly aware of how much  I miss him. When we travel I am not so good at directions to go here and there, he always just got us there and I did not worry about HOW to get there. Also when we are among a lot of people I see faces and I think they look familiar but can't quite figure out who it is...well he knew everybody and his brother( enlarged to show texture) and I miss not being able to ask him who those faces are. I miss him when I heard some interesting bits of news and I want to tell him or I wonder what he would say about this and that. I miss him to run errands for me in town. It seems I constantly have a lot of things to do because I can't ask him to pick up a few things when he goes to Lowes or Tractor Supply. I miss him when the copier doesn't print out nice lables and no one else knows how to fix it, or when the filter needs to be changed on the water purifier. I miss him when the microwave quits and I don't know if I should get it checked out or thrown out, and when the ceiling fan light malfunctions.
 I even miss the things he did that were irritating at the moment.I liked loud music, he did not. I could be in the house all by myself with the music turned up loud, and the first thing he did when he came in was turn it down!! And he didn't even care if I glared at him!! He would say with a grin on his face, " I can't even hear myself think". Now I can have all the loud music I want, but I would rather have a debate, at least that puts some spark into the day!
 I am so thankful for my children and family that surrounds me but they are not him! It was comforting to be able to be angry at something and spill it all out to him and know that he won't think evil of me, to have him wrap his arms around me and say, "Oh honey, its gonna be all right". That was his favorite line of words when I was uptight. I miss that like crazy!!
 Every day I hate being a widow and every night I hate the dark alone. A thunder storm at night has never been fun for me but at least he would get up and listen to the weather and look out the windows. His presence was a comfort that I miss. Every day I remind God that He promised to take care of the widow and fatherless and I'm depending on Him to keep that promise. Every day I feel God's care in the sun and the rain, in the kindness of those around me and I know I am blessed. Kindness has a new meaning, it does not have to be a gift or an action. It feels like kindness when I am asked the hard question of "How are you" and it even feels like kindness when they say " I won't ask you how you are doing because that is hard to answer". Yes both feel like kindness because I know you care. It feels like kindness when a friend says, " Some days I want to call you but I don't know what to say", and it feels like kindness when a friend calls to remind me she is still praying. Kindness has been shown to me in so many ways and I really want to pass it on.

My great friend Marty

Reading Books

Reading has been a favorite pastime of mine since...well I don't know when, at least as long as I can remember. As a young girl it was a problem when I was supposed to be working. I had no self control when there was a new book in the house, it simply had to be read!!As a teenager growing up on a farm it was my job to wash the cows during milking. Well I got this brilliant idea that I could sit on the express wagon and read inbetween washing cows. I only tried that one evening and then my dad was tired of that! I would get engrossed in my book and then I did not get the cows washed by the time the milker was ready for that cow.I think he probably did not like his boring milking partner either. My dad was a very social person. And I think I probably know how he felt because I don't like  when my boys get buried in there phones and only nod at me when I speak to them. But I loved to read. I read true stories, indian stories, slavery stories, Anabaptist stories,and just anything that Mom would buy.And I still never had enough book. Whenever I would fuss about, Nothing to Read, My Dad would ask" Don't you have a Bible"?Well of course I had a Bible.
 When I got married and had children I got interested in baby books. And marriage books became my new favorite.You know books on how to have a happy marriage as well as child training books and mothering sons.And my collection kept growing! I bought books at book stores, thrift stores, goodwills, mail orders etc.
 Jonathan also enjoyed reading before he had the stroke and it was not unusual if we both read after the children were in bed. After his stroke comprehension was a problem so reading was not very much fun for him, in fact it was hard work. But he still left me get all the books I ever wanted. I didn't tho'. One year when we were at the marriage seminar( by the way, we loved going to those seminars) I was looking at the books on display.I was shocked to discover that I barely had any of those marriage books and I tho't I had a lot of books. I told hon about it and he got his funny look on his face and said" Well you need to get them".Of course he was going to  urge me to get those books, afterall they taught me how to be a better wife.

Alvin and Wanda Zook with us in Mexico May 2014
 

 Time and change took place in our home and my books changed too. I was attracted to books that encouraged mother and son relationships, books that taught flexability and stability. When cancer entered our home I read books about health, nutrition, herbs, home remedies,etc. Google also became a good source of info and I poured over it day and night. But it is true, google, and any kind of electronic device will never take the place of a book. Who wants to cozy up in a blanket with a gadget to read? Not me...I need to feel a book, turn its pages and hold it in my hands. I need the smell of paper and hear the rustle of the pages. I can even take a book to bed and let it speak to me. Yes books are my comfort, but my taste has changed again.
 Now I am reading books written by widows, books that teach me how to grieve, books that walk me through this hard valley, books that tell me my feelings are normal.These books I did not want!! I did not want to need these books. Marriage books are much more fun!!
 I will spend more on books then I will on sweaters or other clothes that normal women buy. But just think about it... how many sweaters can speak to your heart, how many dresses last for generations and can be shared and passed around to others. Yes, I love books, they make me feel rich even when I'm not, they look great on the bookshelf, and they are always ready and waiting to be picked up and looked at.

Taking a stroll in Mexico April 2014
 

 My dad did not enjoy reading, it was hard for him to read. That was back before the day of dyslexia but likely that was his problem. However he read his Bible every day. I can still see him on his recliner and slowly reading out loud. I'm so happy that I have that memory of him.
 Books will take us places we may never get to go in person. Books will  inspire you to become a better person , books will give you more sermons then you can ever hear in a lifetime. I can learn from others mistakes, I can gain wisdom from there trial and error, and I can decide to take advice on issues I am not experienced in. The written page and ability to read is a gift, a real gift that not everyone is blessed with.
 Rain is abundant and rainbows are frequent. We have felt God's Touch on us through the many rainbows. He never fails HIs Promise and a rainbow is that gentle reminder that he has not forgotten us.  

Fathers Day

July 2014

Another first is behind us. I expected Fathers Day to be a hard day, in fact I was dreading it and not sure exactly how I was going to handle it all. Again, God planned it totally different then I expected.
 The boys and I went to PA on Friday to attend a reunion on Sat. on Jonathan's Mother's side. It's one of those gatherings that happen like once in 8 years or something like that. It had been planned for months and was an event that Jonathan would have considered very important to go to. I kind of always knew that I was going until the week before I was having a lot of mixed feelings and suddenly was trying to figure out why I was going. Because I couldn't come up with a really good reason to stay home, I went. It was a bittersweet day, but I was glad I attended. The boys and I started home soon after 5, knowing full well that we had 7 hours of driving ahead of us.Well, that is where plans got messed up. We were on the road 2 hours when a message appeared on the dash and while we were trying to figure out what it was all about, all the gauge neeedles went down to zero. We pulled off the road and shut it off and it would not start again!! I could not believe this was happening to us because we just bought another vehicle almost 3 weeks ago precisely because I was afraid that very thing would happen with the old suburban. This was not supposed to happen to this Acadia! But it did. And I have also given this vehicle the shorter name of Cadi [Katy] Ok there we were 5 miles south of Carlisle on I81 and the weather was nasty....pouring down rain, thundering and lightening, and windy .AAA to the rescue again but his time I was more frustrated with the lack of better service. It took 1 hour and 30 minutes to get a tow truck out and we called the police for some assistance and they never showed up. I thought with that weather it would have felt better to have blue lights blinking behind us for safety reasons but that was not to be. The boys thought we could fake a heart attack or something serious to get them out there!!
 We decided to have it taken to Uncle Reubens at Port Royal and let all the smart guys in that area check it out, since I could get a hundred miles of free towing. So we all decided to sleep at there house too because by now it was 9 o'clock or later and the desire to travel home had diminished. Marty, our favorite friend and cousin who has come to our rescue many many times in the past 2 years and also when Jonathan was sick 11 years ago, came to our rescue again. She was also traveling home from the same reunion and drove out of her way to pick us up and give us a ride to her house. There were 5 of us to hop into her little car with her and believe me our hip bones were rubbing each other!! So we arrived at her house just 15 minutes after Cadi got there, because we had stopped to eat at Arby's.On Sunday morning the men around there looked at her but they couldn't locate the problem so we brought Marty's car home and they are taking it to a garage to get it fixed. Marty is coming down in  2 weeks and will bring Cadi back assuming of course that she is fixed by then.
 So Father's Day was spent, first of all dealing with vehicle issues and then traveling home. If God thought that it was best to distract me, well I guess it worked. I have no idea what He is trying to teach  me tho' and that is a bit unsettling. If He is reminding me that I am not in control, well I am very aware of that already so I kinda don't think its that. I had prayed hard asking God for direction in buying the right vehicle and I just don't really think that He let me down so I pretty much do not know what this glitch is all about. Hopefully she can get fixed and be everything I thought she was.
 We arrived home safely Sunday evening at 5:30 pm. and there were several beautiful flower arrangements here to greet us as well as a framed poem that a friend had written recognizing our pain. It is beautiful! Thanks Carolyn! I am so impressed with the kindness of our friends.
 The garden is growing with leaps and bounds, including the weeds. I spent most of today out there and got 2 results. A better looking garden and a very tired me. It has been a long time since I worked so hard and felt so exhausted from physical work.
 I have been really struggling in that area the past several weeks. My energy is really slow in coming and my ability to really accomplish anything is almost gone. It has been a very real trial for me. Yet I am told that grief will exhaust a person even more then physical work and I have found that to be so true and also discouraging. I am discontent with the person I have become and so powerless to change. Many times I beg God to give me the energy to do the things I need to get done.I have full confidence that God will answer that prayer but it does seem to be in His time and not mine. Life is going on and we miss him like crazy. Fathers day will never be the same again.