Kindness Through His Hands, Feet and Voice

So many people have touched our lives again in the past 2 weeks. You see July 6th was supposed to be our 24th wedding anniversary. It was a bitter sweet kind of day. We were backyard camping with the Zook family. Everyone was there except Jonathan. His brothers and families from Kenya Africa and Oaklahoma were able to join us this year too. Monday morning we sat together and remembered our wedding. I even went back home and changed into a white dress after some coaxing from a sister. We sang songs that Jonathan had chosen at some of the latest gatherings we had attended. We laughed and we cried together. Later in the day we filled 50 or more balloons with helium and tied a note on to each one that had his name and my address on and then we stood together and let them go. There was a strong wind from the west and those balloons took off into the eastern sky and were out of sight in no time . It was beautiful!! Flowers and gift cards blessed us once again from family and friends. Thank-You, thank-you.

 Tony set off a Chinese lantern into the night sky several times and that was really neat too. Little 5 year old Cody was watching it disappear into the sky and suddenly he said," We are sending you something Jonathan, its a surprise". I thought that was so cute and special coming from a little guy and we were not even talking about Jonathan, he just said it all on his own thinking.
 The children had a lot of fun with every kind of glow sticks that you can buy. It was dark and they were running around the yard twirling the lights and making designs. Suddenly they were calling me to come to them up on the bank. I was so impressed with their creativity. In the yard they had put lots of glow sticks together and had written Jonathan. It was soo sweet and it all felt like kindness. I am so blessed with love and support.
 And then we traveled to PA to attend a wedding of my niece. It was another "first". not the kind of thing that is a whole lot of fun but then again I really did want to be with my family. The wedding was beautiful and the couple was so happy so it really was a happy day. Its just that on all these occasions I am keenly aware of my loss.But in spite of it all it was great being with family and friends again.
 I'm also constantly aware of how much  I miss him. When we travel I am not so good at directions to go here and there, he always just got us there and I did not worry about HOW to get there. Also when we are among a lot of people I see faces and I think they look familiar but can't quite figure out who it is...well he knew everybody and his brother( enlarged to show texture) and I miss not being able to ask him who those faces are. I miss him when I heard some interesting bits of news and I want to tell him or I wonder what he would say about this and that. I miss him to run errands for me in town. It seems I constantly have a lot of things to do because I can't ask him to pick up a few things when he goes to Lowes or Tractor Supply. I miss him when the copier doesn't print out nice lables and no one else knows how to fix it, or when the filter needs to be changed on the water purifier. I miss him when the microwave quits and I don't know if I should get it checked out or thrown out, and when the ceiling fan light malfunctions.
 I even miss the things he did that were irritating at the moment.I liked loud music, he did not. I could be in the house all by myself with the music turned up loud, and the first thing he did when he came in was turn it down!! And he didn't even care if I glared at him!! He would say with a grin on his face, " I can't even hear myself think". Now I can have all the loud music I want, but I would rather have a debate, at least that puts some spark into the day!
 I am so thankful for my children and family that surrounds me but they are not him! It was comforting to be able to be angry at something and spill it all out to him and know that he won't think evil of me, to have him wrap his arms around me and say, "Oh honey, its gonna be all right". That was his favorite line of words when I was uptight. I miss that like crazy!!
 Every day I hate being a widow and every night I hate the dark alone. A thunder storm at night has never been fun for me but at least he would get up and listen to the weather and look out the windows. His presence was a comfort that I miss. Every day I remind God that He promised to take care of the widow and fatherless and I'm depending on Him to keep that promise. Every day I feel God's care in the sun and the rain, in the kindness of those around me and I know I am blessed. Kindness has a new meaning, it does not have to be a gift or an action. It feels like kindness when I am asked the hard question of "How are you" and it even feels like kindness when they say " I won't ask you how you are doing because that is hard to answer". Yes both feel like kindness because I know you care. It feels like kindness when a friend says, " Some days I want to call you but I don't know what to say", and it feels like kindness when a friend calls to remind me she is still praying. Kindness has been shown to me in so many ways and I really want to pass it on.

My great friend Marty