Moving On

There are many , many thoughts that have gone through my head this week. Four years ago I was a new widow. A widow still in shock. A widow that looked in the mirror and said to that tearstained face that was looking back at her" You are a widow". I was the widow that had know idea how to plan a funeral, the widow that was lost in bed and the widow that threw out his toothbrush first thing but still has his other personal care items in the same spot it always was in the bathroom mirror. I am the widow that went from being secure in his love to being very insecure and vulnerable, afraid to be seen. I am the widow that went from loving activity to loving silence and solitude. I am the widow that knows that life will never be the same again.

They tell us that life goes on....and they are right. In fact 4 years have gone shockingly fast! And so much has happened, so many changes! Changes from furniture and room décor to business and granddaughters. Changes that were incredibly hard and changes that were positive. In all the changes that have taken place the past 4 years there was always that question," What would Jonathan do, what would he say?" I don't expect that to ever leave me.

They tell us that it will get easier....and they are right....and they are so wrong!!!They are right that we do not cry every day, that the weight of the pain is not constantly in my face, that we can learn to function without our best friend, that we can laugh again, that we can find joy and fulfillment, that we love life and the blessings God sends our way. Yes, they are right. But they are wrong when they think that the pain goes away. The pain is always there, always present. Every family adventure he is missing, every important decision is made without him, every joy is dulled because it can't be shared with my best friend, every single day and night we face the reality of doing life alone. Looking into the long future of getting old is terrifying and we hope that Jesus will not tarry long.

There is a longing for Heaven that I did not know was possible for the human mind to possess. I did not know that singing songs about Heaven would continue to bring tears. I had no idea that life could be so gut wrenchingly painful. I had no idea about anything I thought I knew about widowhood.

But, there were other things I also did not know!! Praise God! I did not know His Peace and His Security, and His Faithfulness like I do now. I did not know that He could be my VERY BEST FRIEND and that sitting silently in his Presence could be such a gift.

In the past 4 years I have made many new friends. In fact I have new best friends. And guess what...they are widows. Common grounds connect people like nothing else will. We can talk and laugh and cry and understand each other like none other. We have conversations that I would never tell the world we had! LOL! Because you would never understand! We are a safe place to share our gut feelings, our worse fears and our dumbest "widow actions". We tell stories about ourselves that only a widow would understand.

We sleep with a bed full of pillows, turn the music as loud as we want, eat cereal when we want too, and work as late as we please or read as late as our eyes will let us. We get up when our schedule demands or we sleep in when we feel like it. We go away when we want or we stay home all we want. We hate doing life without our best friend but we are determined to have a good life so we ask God for courage and we brave new adventures.

Java Blend has brought me so much joy and satisfaction. In all honesty it has been stress too especially when business is to slow! But I love the connection with my community and especially the many widows that  have touched my life and become friends with. Our backgrounds can be so different, our culture is varied but widowhood brings a connection that looks beyond the skin and the clothes. Our hearts are one in many ways.

Thank you for caring for me and my family and for praying us through these 4 years. Thank you for your continued prayers.

The Joy Of The Lord Is My Strength

I know I have been way to silent for way to long. There were to many things happening in my life! And now things have settled into a bit more normal routine and I feel like I can live again like a normal Mennonite mom.

an inside picture

Its hard to believe I spent the entire summer of 2018 getting ready for grand opening for Java Blend Café. September 13th will go down in history as a very exciting day. There were a lot of people that showed up for the ribbon cutting ceremony. Family, church friends, the town mayor and others from the town council as well as folks that were eager to support the new business. John Beiler, a pastor from my church led in a prayer of blessing, the town mayor said some encouraging words and the town manager also said a nice speech. I was standing in front of the building with my family on my left side and my workers on my right. The ribbon was stretched out in front of us and I was handed the scissors. On the count of 3 I cut it. I kept my emotional feelings tucked tight inside of me tho my eyes got teary and my chin quivered! At long last my dream came true and my heart could barely handle the reality of it all! It was an awesome moment of overwhelming thankfulness to My God who made it all possible!

the front of Java Blend

The summer was by far not without struggle. In fact there were several times when I asked God where He was and what He was doing. I had the best support group behind and around me, praying for me sending me songs and lots of encouragement. My children put up with a busy summer and did lots of extra work. My daughters-in-law saw less of their husbands because they were helping their mother. They were very kind even tho' everyone was tired of all the extra work. In the midst of all the hard work was the delay with the natural gas line. Frustration was high and I could not get anyone to move even a little. Finally I took it to the town manager and told him my problem. Somehow he made the right connections and found the person that was being stubborn. I had made phone calls to some other higher powers in the system, my brother took it upon himself to make some calls and plead for his sister and wow!!! After they finally got things rolling it took them 2 days to install the pipes. They fought over an issue for 3 months and took exactly 2 days to get the job done! Really I do not understand why!!

my lovely employees on our Christmas outing

Somewhere in the mixture of all the work my fryer that I use to make fry pies went on a blink. Honestly, I felt like that was surely the last straw! One week of making no fried pies was a kind of nice break when I didn't think about finances, we were waiting on the part to come in. When the part came and was the wrong part and I lost another week of sales....well lets just say, I did not handle that very well and I needed to repent, so I did. It was during that time that someone sent me the song Over and Over Again and Again God is Faithful...by Jeff and Shari Easter. I listened and I believed but I did not understand. The fryer got fixed on the 3rd week not by a fryer fixer person but simply by my contractor Jeremy Miller who bent over backwards to help me. He worked all day to find the problem, and he found it. He finished at 5:30 pm. Four girls came over at 9 and we made fried pies all night. I crawled into bed at 4 am, tired but happy! The first week of the break down when I was blissfully unaware that it was going to be 3 weeks before it would be fixed I was on the road, troubled about my fryer and wondering why this had to happen to me and I had a very troubled spirit. I was doing what I do a lot of. I was talking to God and asking questions, singing and just driving along by myself. Suddenly I stopped singing because the words that I heard coming   out of my mouth shocked me. I was singing....The Joy of the Lord it will be my strength, when the pressure is on He's making diamonds. I know that song but I did not know why I was singing it... I needed to hear those words, at least the first part. The "making diamonds" well I pondered that for awhile and then I said " Lord, you know I'm really tired of these lessons, whatever they are, this pressure, I'm ok with just being a lump of clay, can we just forget the diamond part"? My vehicle stayed silent, God didn't send me a divine revelation and I still don't know why that all happened, and its very likely that I never will. But its ok. I hope I learned to rest in God and Trust Him. You would think that I have had so many opportunities to have learned to quietly wait on God and trust His timing but really, it still does not come naturally! God is still working on me!

widows dinner

We are now almost 6 month past grand opening and I am loving my spot at Java Blend. I love when friends passing through the area stop in, we are only a short distance off of I81. I also love the interaction with many local folks and I have made many new friends. I connect very well with other widows and was blessed to be able to host a Valentine Dinner for widows. 34 ladies attended that evening and we had lots of fun. My family and several of my employees served the food and also sang several songs. The ladies want me to do it again and it feels like my dream of a Widows Ministry is just beginning. Only God knows where it will go.

play dough with the uncles

I have always enjoyed bookkeeping to a certain degree although I never did large amounts for any reason. Now suddenly I find myself working with QuickBooks, doing payroll, and stressing over all those tax dollars that have to go to certain places by certain dates. Thank God for son Randall who is still doing some of that for me! I comfort myself with the fact that I should not get Alzheimers! I have heard that to keep alzheimers away one should constantly keep learning new things. I have never stopped learning and all the brain cells that die off after 40 are surely being replaced with active healthy ones!

Zoey Pearl

I am also so happy to announce that my new grandbaby arrived safely on Nov 11th. Zoey Pearl weighed 6lb and 11oz. Both mama and baby are doing great and I feel very blessed to have 3 little granddaughters. I'm still amazed at this "Grandma" title! It's such a cozy feeling, a little old, I'll admit but I don't really stop to think about that. I absolutely love when they come to my house! Mckenzie loves to push a chair to the counter when I am doing dishes and she "helps". Usually she needs a dry dress afterwards but that's ok. She also asks many questions! Did I mention that being a Grandma is so much fun!!

4 generations...my mother is 86

 I am so thankful for the strength that my Loving Heavenly Father keeps giving me....yes I have had plenty of hard knocks but His Faithfulness is amazing!

Confident With God

I have a blog post about ready to post that explains to you what has been happening in my life most of the year, so I won't detail that in this one. I haven't hit the send button for reasons like....its not the right time, its to honest, and I feel vulnerable when I let the world take a close look into my life. I think I will send it one day soon.

My life took on major change on Sept 13th when I opened Java Blend Cafe'. Those details are in another post.

 Being busy is a part of my life that I enjoy. Reading and writing are the avenues I use to release pressure and stress. I have stacks of books that I have picked up in the recent weeks that are calling for my attention. I told you before that the books I choose depend where I am in life and what I am doing. Several of the titles on my table now are, Emotional Intelligence by Dan Miller, Communication PLUS by Marita Littauer, and Taking The Risk by Ben Carson. I chose these books because I find myself in a position I never was in before....managing a business and working closely with employees. It is stretching and rewarding and I am very aware that I do not have the ability to make wise choices on my own and since I don't feel like learning everything the hard way, (by trial and error) I try to learn from people who are skilled teachers. I will never stop learning!

 Writing has taken the back seat in my life in the year 2018. That is also because of the many other things that require my attention. Often I felt the need to write, to get thoughts on paper, my fingers itched for the keyboard, I had ideas in my head, but they were squashed with more demanding things. I'm actually ok with that as well. It felt this year like God took me to places of intense focus, times when it was more important to listen then to be heard. I had soul searching days of struggle and wondering if I really understood His Plan for me. Many times I was powerless to change circumstances and could only wait on Him. And He never let me down! The answers to prayer have been" Above what I have asked for".

I also write for a ladies inspiration email group and have missed several deadlines. My weekly Budget letter in the Mennonite and Amish paper has dwindled very low. Its not because I don't care, and not because I don't want to write, its only that the demands of my new life have taken my scheduled life and thrown it to the wind. But it looks hopeful that my writing days are coming back. I'm seeing some stability and a certain form of schedule that comes with practice and learning and getting better at what one does. So even though I have been wanting to write I was also ok with this era of silence, this time of withdrawl and focusing on the demands of the day. Please pray for me, this venture is my ministry to my community and I am loving it!

The holidays always bring about that time of reflection when I look back and I deal with feelings of deep grief and genuine gratefulness, feelings of joy and sadness and the sharp pain of missing my husband. Its true that life goes on and we adjust to the new normal, but the holidays have a way of bringing back that intense desire for "what used to be". My children were here the Sunday before Christmas and we had a great time together. Randalls went to Montana for Christmas with Mary's family and plan to be back by the 5th. Justins spent part of the week in TN with Jessica's family. We spent Christmas day with some of the Zook family. Being surrounded by love is a blessing!

 We are at the threshold of the new year. There is not much time left to do things in 2018. What are your goals for 2019?  I was challenged in todays message at church to face the New Year with  confidence in God.