Moving On

There are many , many thoughts that have gone through my head this week. Four years ago I was a new widow. A widow still in shock. A widow that looked in the mirror and said to that tearstained face that was looking back at her" You are a widow". I was the widow that had know idea how to plan a funeral, the widow that was lost in bed and the widow that threw out his toothbrush first thing but still has his other personal care items in the same spot it always was in the bathroom mirror. I am the widow that went from being secure in his love to being very insecure and vulnerable, afraid to be seen. I am the widow that went from loving activity to loving silence and solitude. I am the widow that knows that life will never be the same again.

They tell us that life goes on....and they are right. In fact 4 years have gone shockingly fast! And so much has happened, so many changes! Changes from furniture and room décor to business and granddaughters. Changes that were incredibly hard and changes that were positive. In all the changes that have taken place the past 4 years there was always that question," What would Jonathan do, what would he say?" I don't expect that to ever leave me.

They tell us that it will get easier....and they are right....and they are so wrong!!!They are right that we do not cry every day, that the weight of the pain is not constantly in my face, that we can learn to function without our best friend, that we can laugh again, that we can find joy and fulfillment, that we love life and the blessings God sends our way. Yes, they are right. But they are wrong when they think that the pain goes away. The pain is always there, always present. Every family adventure he is missing, every important decision is made without him, every joy is dulled because it can't be shared with my best friend, every single day and night we face the reality of doing life alone. Looking into the long future of getting old is terrifying and we hope that Jesus will not tarry long.

There is a longing for Heaven that I did not know was possible for the human mind to possess. I did not know that singing songs about Heaven would continue to bring tears. I had no idea that life could be so gut wrenchingly painful. I had no idea about anything I thought I knew about widowhood.

But, there were other things I also did not know!! Praise God! I did not know His Peace and His Security, and His Faithfulness like I do now. I did not know that He could be my VERY BEST FRIEND and that sitting silently in his Presence could be such a gift.

In the past 4 years I have made many new friends. In fact I have new best friends. And guess what...they are widows. Common grounds connect people like nothing else will. We can talk and laugh and cry and understand each other like none other. We have conversations that I would never tell the world we had! LOL! Because you would never understand! We are a safe place to share our gut feelings, our worse fears and our dumbest "widow actions". We tell stories about ourselves that only a widow would understand.

We sleep with a bed full of pillows, turn the music as loud as we want, eat cereal when we want too, and work as late as we please or read as late as our eyes will let us. We get up when our schedule demands or we sleep in when we feel like it. We go away when we want or we stay home all we want. We hate doing life without our best friend but we are determined to have a good life so we ask God for courage and we brave new adventures.

Java Blend has brought me so much joy and satisfaction. In all honesty it has been stress too especially when business is to slow! But I love the connection with my community and especially the many widows that  have touched my life and become friends with. Our backgrounds can be so different, our culture is varied but widowhood brings a connection that looks beyond the skin and the clothes. Our hearts are one in many ways.

Thank you for caring for me and my family and for praying us through these 4 years. Thank you for your continued prayers.