Happy New Year

Christmas Dinner

I woke up on Monday to a new day, but that is normal. Every day is new. But that morning was different because it was also a new year. In my lazy morning I pondered the NEW year thought. What makes a New Year special? What do I want from this next year? Did I do anything new last year?

I thought about a lot of things and I also considered this journey called widowhood. I'm aware that I have changed a bit in some of my earlier fears and insecurities. I remember the terror I felt in a crowd, at a fellowship dinner or just being in the public and I find a little bit of satisfaction in knowing that those fears are not as intense. I'm happy in knowing that I can smile easier, cry less and feel a certain degree of normal. I find comfort in the fact that I must be moving on in this grief process. There is a certain sense of satisfaction in being able to cry my eyes out privately and come away smiling knowing I didn't ruin the event for the people around me because of my tears.

Games

 In 2017 I saw my baby, my 5th son turn 13 and fast heading toward 16! When did that happen. how is it possible that my sons are all in their teens and older. My 4th son turned 18 and grew wings, going to new places and meeting new people. On Friday he left for 6 weeks of Bible School. The house is way to quiet without him! My 3rd son turned 20 and bought a car. Those big events are always stressful for me without their father's direction but thanks to uncle Jason he was under good instruction. The newest, biggest and happiest and most difficult event was Justin's wedding. Weddings have always been very important and special to us. We would sit in the pews and listen to the preacher as he instructed the young couple in practical ways to keep there love alive. It was fun to poke each other and whisper"did you get that"?It was fun to remember the feelings and the wonder of our own wedding day.

But to share the intense joy and happiness with a son in the absence of his father was a new degree of happiness. It was wonderful to gain a new daughter, to see them be so happy was awesome and yet .....that void was deep!

It was also a year of watching my oldest son put his fathering skills to good use. My little granddaughter is not always an angel and to see my own son be a daddy is quite amazing! He is also the son that revives my computer after 2 months of me complaining about the thing that won't do anything. I can never understand why my computer blinks at me and gives me blank screens and all I can do is try with sweaty hands to bring it back to life and it won't listen. Randall sits down and clicks here and shuts that down and restarts this and organizes my files and deletes  trash and backs up that and wow! Its just like new. That's why it was silent here for so long!Its nice to have a techy son!

Among several new things that I did, the biggest one was a trip to Africa in Nov. It really was the trip of a lifetime for me and once again I was reminded that my sons are now men. In fact, the caring rules have already reversed in some areas. On this trip they were the ones in charge, they were the ones looking out for me etc. It was very strange but also very beautiful! They would say," mom do you have your ticket ready, whats your seat number, are you ok there or should I switch with you?"I didn't worry a bit about getting on the next flight, I simply followed them to the next gate and all was well.

Mckenzie loves coffee and cookies

However, I have never enjoyed flying. Really in all honesty I hated flying! These flights were long and tested my endurance but with my family around me it was not so bad. I was actually amazed at the peace I felt through it all. I will tell you about that trip on a later post.

Having my 85 year old Mother here for a week over Christmas was very special. I hope that if I get old I will be as sweet as she is! We could talk about our lives and understand each other. I know Mothers and Daughters should be able to anyway but since we have both lost our husbands our bond is deeper. Mom and Dad were married 50 years. For us it was almost 24 years. Some things never change even with time and that one thing is the intense desire to be able to discuss issues, deep issues with your loved one. When our world and our churches and our families change that one person was a safe person to share with and when they are gone we feel like we cannot share with anyone that understands or even really hears us. And so that was special because we just "got it" with each other.

My children blessed me with some new things for Christmas. Randy's gave me new folding chairs. Some of my folding chairs we got for a wedding gift from his parents and they had done there share of work. The boys kept telling me they were worn out and I needed to get others ...I guess I waited long enough! Justin's got me new dishes also replacing old wedding gift corelle dishes. In my era it was the tradition that the youth girls from church would buy 2 sets of corelle dishes for the bride. It was a lovely gift...but after seeing all the pretty dishes that girls get now days I mentioned once that I wished mine would break. I don't even know if Justin and Jessica knew that but they sure did a great job of choosing pretty square plates. Its so much fun setting the table with them! My mother gave me a money gift and I intend to get new curtains for my bedroom windows replacing the ones that have been there for 15 years. Its so much fun getting new stuff at the new year!

More games

And so of course I wonder....what will come my way this year? Sometimes we face the New Year with dread, maybe a sense of fear too. The world is changing so quickly and we don't like all the changes we see. I find comfort in knowing that The mercies of the Lord are NEW every morning, not just every January 1st, but every single day His mercies are there for us as fresh as ever! And that His grace is never exhausted, there is always enough for whatever hard thing I face. Always and every day I can draw from His kind mercy and grace. Every day I can appreciate something New. Our God is just Awesome!

What is Heaven Really Like

October 15th is a special day...Its Jonathan's birthday. The day his Mom and Dad became" First Time" parents. His future was unknown but the responsibility of raising a son for God was important. It was the day they held his little hands and counted his tiny toes and fingers and kissed his soft baby skin. It was the day that dreams were born for their firstborn son.

They had no idea that he would only get 44 years of life. They never imagined that he would die before they did. That isn't part of our dream on the day that our babies are born. In fact we all have a strong feeling that children should not die before the parents do.

But God had other Plans.

If I could have one more conversation with My Love I would ask him these questions. You may listen in.

Honey, What is Heaven really like? I wanted to say Happy Birthday to you today but you are gone where time is no more...do you even think about your birthday,  do you tell the other saints that " today on earth I would be 47 years old"? Since there is no night there do you even have any recollection of time and days and years. Just what is heaven really like?

Honey, you loved talking with friends and laughing and meeting new people. What is Heaven really like now that you can talk again without your speech/stroke problems. Are you talking non-stop and they "can't shut you up" like a neighbor suggested at your viewing. And what do you talk about. Your earthly struggles, your sickness, your business, your families? I can't even imagine the conversations you might have. What is Heaven really like?

Honey, what is heaven really like?All the  people that we knew and loved and cared about and they joined you or you joined them. My Dad, and my little nieces and nephews, Saranna, and Bernice and Rose and many others....did you find Noah and ask him about life on the Ark. Did you ask Moses how God took him away. Did you laugh with Jonah when he told you about being wrapped in the seaweed of the big fishes belly for 3 days? Did Daniel explain the night with the lions because he prayed only to the One True God? Did David tell you the story about the Giant and the great victory with one smooth stone from the brook? What is Heaven really like?

Honey, what is Heaven really like? The walls of Jasper, the streets of gold, the water clear as crystal. The heights of the walls and the distance of the Celestial city, it must be huge! Did you see all of it yet? Do you wear silky slippers so you won't scratch the Streets of gold. What is it like to walk on gold? No dust no gravel no bumps or pot holes! And the  streams of water that are crystal clear? I can't even imagine the colors and the beauty and the pure JOY that you are surrounded with. I can't even imagine the Peace and total Contentment. What is Heaven really like?

Honey, what is Heaven really like? To be in the Presence of Jesus, the One you lived for, the One you Loved and The One you held on to when there was nothing else to hold on to. The One you Believed in even during the hardest times of sickness and despair. You didn't get angry with Him or doubt His love for you. I know you would tell me that it is SO WORTH IT ALL! When you touched His nail scarred Hands and His feet and His side, when you got one glimps of His Face, did you instantly know that your life was planned with a purpose? What is Heaven really like?

Honey, what is Heaven really like? I know that you are not sorry that you didn't get to live here until you were 80 like I wanted you to or 100. But really are you sorry that we spent so much money to keep you here longer? Would you do that differently? What does it look like from your perspective? Or is that all God's perfect plan too...the desire to live here. I simply can't imagine the Glories of Heaven and my mind is still earthly....I will press on, live well, love Our Saviour and join you some day. Maybe soon? And then I will know What Heaven is Really Like.

Leeks and Garlics

Camping was a very important event in this family as our children were growing up. We camped at the same primitive campground for probably 6 years. There was no electricity, no shower houses and just the old fashioned outhouses that smelled really really bad! But there was a river that went right behind the campground and if we booked our sites early enough we could get a tent site with the river right behind our tent. The boys LOVED the place. They played in the water and we  would all go tubing down the river. I guess I was younger and braver or had more energy for such things because I really did love it too. Now I would be quite content to sit on the bank and watch! The skunks and coons would visit our trash at night and one of our tents still has a hole where Justin claubered a coon through the netting. It was an immense amount of work getting all our gear together and food packed into ice chests and expect it to stay good for 3 days. And it seemed like many times when we went camping it would rain at least a part of our stay, so we made tarps a part of our camping gear too. And I remember the misery of a full fledged thunderstorm with heavy rain, laying in the tent during the night and being very aware that the walk to the outhouse was very far away and that it really needed to stop raining soon! The comforts of my conveniences at home looked very inviting and impossible to get to.

The last time we went was in 2012. We had done a little camping during Jonathan's illness in 2013  but it was close home and with a camper. Last year I took my family to a beautiful cabin in the mountains of NC and it was so refreshing and quiet and peaceful. This year we went camping, in tents, and no electricity. Not to our same river campground....it was a little more modern, at least there were shower houses but it was in tents. A lot of memories flooded over me! It was so different this time! The boys turned into men. This time they set up the tents, this time they lit the campfire, this time they cleaned up camp before retiring for the night. The last time in 2012 they helped with all of that but with no Daddy to give the orders and decide the next step they did it this time.

It seemed like we picked the hottest weekend of the summer. We were pontooning on the lake on Sat and it was lovely in spite of the little rain shower but that evening when we got back to camp it was soo very warm! Justin was cooking burgers over the fire and sweat was pouring from him. In fact we could sweat just sitting and doing nothing! We never sat around the fire and made smores, it was to hot! I laid in my tent at night and tried to cool off and there was no moving air. Just the night noises and the stars and me and my little family camped around me and I thought about the comforts of home, my bed and the cool air in my bedroom with a bathroom a couple steps away. At one point David removed the top cover from the tent in hopes of getting a bit more cool air from somewhere. It didn't help much.

And then I thought about the Children of Israel wandering around in the dessert for 40 years in the heat and a very boring diet and God got very harsh with them for complaining! I decided then and there that I would not have been any better! Oh I know, they were used to living in tents or similar structures and they were not pampered with all the convenieces that we take for granted BUT ....they still thought back to the "leeks and Garlics" that they were missing. They were missing good food. The manna was a miracle sent to them every day but when we went camping I took a much bigger variety of food for 3 days then just bread! I'm sure I would have gotten tired of manna too. I can't really compare my life to theres because I don't really know what it was like. However it got me thinking. God was looking out for them and getting them out of slavery. Their complaing and unbelief made his delivery take so much longer then it should have. I don't think God was punishing them for remembering the good things they had and now lost but He was upset with their complaining spirit, their unthankfulness.

 And then I wonder about my life and if I hinder God's blessing on me when I fret about the things that I don't like. When I see others enjoying the good  things I hoped to enjoy and I forget to thank God for the way that He does care for me in the circumstances that I face, does He get frustrated with me too? Is complaining less sinful then it was back then. Does the absence of thankfulness remove His blessing from my life? Does a negative" I wish life would be different" attitude grieve my God ? Maybe I'm not saying anything...at least I'm not complaining. Is that ok? He still knows if I'm not thankful for the good things He does send my way.
                    That was the lesson I learned while camping.

And then we went camping the second time. With folks we didn't know very well. We had one common bond. Missing Daddies. My brother-in-law Jason arranged this camping trip. He has a sister who's husband died from a heart attack. She has a family close in age to my family. We spent the weekend together talking laughing and sitting around the fire and eating good food. It was not manna either! We ate burgers and pork loins and deer meat that melted in your mouth. We had delicious melons and salads and chip dips and desserts! It was lots of fun. And it was comfortable! We widows tend to feel very uncomfortable in crowds but this was different. Mutual feelings, nothing awkward! It was a great weekend! And we came away saying "Lets do it again". Friends, no longer strangers. A blessing!

It is very true that it is easy to look back and long for the good things we used to enjoy and I don't think that is wrong but I really want to have a thankful heart. God has been so faithful and I know He will continue.