Happy New Year

Christmas Dinner

I woke up on Monday to a new day, but that is normal. Every day is new. But that morning was different because it was also a new year. In my lazy morning I pondered the NEW year thought. What makes a New Year special? What do I want from this next year? Did I do anything new last year?

I thought about a lot of things and I also considered this journey called widowhood. I'm aware that I have changed a bit in some of my earlier fears and insecurities. I remember the terror I felt in a crowd, at a fellowship dinner or just being in the public and I find a little bit of satisfaction in knowing that those fears are not as intense. I'm happy in knowing that I can smile easier, cry less and feel a certain degree of normal. I find comfort in the fact that I must be moving on in this grief process. There is a certain sense of satisfaction in being able to cry my eyes out privately and come away smiling knowing I didn't ruin the event for the people around me because of my tears.

Games

 In 2017 I saw my baby, my 5th son turn 13 and fast heading toward 16! When did that happen. how is it possible that my sons are all in their teens and older. My 4th son turned 18 and grew wings, going to new places and meeting new people. On Friday he left for 6 weeks of Bible School. The house is way to quiet without him! My 3rd son turned 20 and bought a car. Those big events are always stressful for me without their father's direction but thanks to uncle Jason he was under good instruction. The newest, biggest and happiest and most difficult event was Justin's wedding. Weddings have always been very important and special to us. We would sit in the pews and listen to the preacher as he instructed the young couple in practical ways to keep there love alive. It was fun to poke each other and whisper"did you get that"?It was fun to remember the feelings and the wonder of our own wedding day.

But to share the intense joy and happiness with a son in the absence of his father was a new degree of happiness. It was wonderful to gain a new daughter, to see them be so happy was awesome and yet .....that void was deep!

It was also a year of watching my oldest son put his fathering skills to good use. My little granddaughter is not always an angel and to see my own son be a daddy is quite amazing! He is also the son that revives my computer after 2 months of me complaining about the thing that won't do anything. I can never understand why my computer blinks at me and gives me blank screens and all I can do is try with sweaty hands to bring it back to life and it won't listen. Randall sits down and clicks here and shuts that down and restarts this and organizes my files and deletes  trash and backs up that and wow! Its just like new. That's why it was silent here for so long!Its nice to have a techy son!

Among several new things that I did, the biggest one was a trip to Africa in Nov. It really was the trip of a lifetime for me and once again I was reminded that my sons are now men. In fact, the caring rules have already reversed in some areas. On this trip they were the ones in charge, they were the ones looking out for me etc. It was very strange but also very beautiful! They would say," mom do you have your ticket ready, whats your seat number, are you ok there or should I switch with you?"I didn't worry a bit about getting on the next flight, I simply followed them to the next gate and all was well.

Mckenzie loves coffee and cookies

However, I have never enjoyed flying. Really in all honesty I hated flying! These flights were long and tested my endurance but with my family around me it was not so bad. I was actually amazed at the peace I felt through it all. I will tell you about that trip on a later post.

Having my 85 year old Mother here for a week over Christmas was very special. I hope that if I get old I will be as sweet as she is! We could talk about our lives and understand each other. I know Mothers and Daughters should be able to anyway but since we have both lost our husbands our bond is deeper. Mom and Dad were married 50 years. For us it was almost 24 years. Some things never change even with time and that one thing is the intense desire to be able to discuss issues, deep issues with your loved one. When our world and our churches and our families change that one person was a safe person to share with and when they are gone we feel like we cannot share with anyone that understands or even really hears us. And so that was special because we just "got it" with each other.

My children blessed me with some new things for Christmas. Randy's gave me new folding chairs. Some of my folding chairs we got for a wedding gift from his parents and they had done there share of work. The boys kept telling me they were worn out and I needed to get others ...I guess I waited long enough! Justin's got me new dishes also replacing old wedding gift corelle dishes. In my era it was the tradition that the youth girls from church would buy 2 sets of corelle dishes for the bride. It was a lovely gift...but after seeing all the pretty dishes that girls get now days I mentioned once that I wished mine would break. I don't even know if Justin and Jessica knew that but they sure did a great job of choosing pretty square plates. Its so much fun setting the table with them! My mother gave me a money gift and I intend to get new curtains for my bedroom windows replacing the ones that have been there for 15 years. Its so much fun getting new stuff at the new year!

More games

And so of course I wonder....what will come my way this year? Sometimes we face the New Year with dread, maybe a sense of fear too. The world is changing so quickly and we don't like all the changes we see. I find comfort in knowing that The mercies of the Lord are NEW every morning, not just every January 1st, but every single day His mercies are there for us as fresh as ever! And that His grace is never exhausted, there is always enough for whatever hard thing I face. Always and every day I can draw from His kind mercy and grace. Every day I can appreciate something New. Our God is just Awesome!