The Widow part 2

Widows want so desperately be like normal people that it is hard for them sometimes to accept help and for sure to be specific about what their needs really are. It may be that the husband was sick for a long time and they had so much help that now after his death she so bad wants to be normal and do her own thing. She is shocked into reality though when she discovers that her normal is gone and she has no idea how to live without help and even less idea how to ask for help. The following are some ways that widows have been helped.

A couple stopped at the widows house every Sat. to do anything that she needed help with.

A friend called the widow and said lets go out for dinner.

Every month on the date of the death a friend would text the widow and remind her that she is prayed for.

The widow and her children got a paid vacation to the west coast.

The Deacon's wife asked the widow if she wanted to be taken off the "Host Family" schedule.

The widow has an older couple from church that she can talk to about anything and has complete confidence that they will never share her stories.

The church takes scheduled offerings for the widows.

Friends that come to visit bring food and they eat together and the widow has no stress about feeding company.

Friends take huge amounts of groceries to the widows house several times a year.

The death date is remembered by sending flowers to the widow.

A new riding mower was given to the widow by church friends.

The widow finds food in her car after church.

Friends invite her to a restaurant for supper with them.

Cards of encouragement remind her that she is not forgotten.

Gift cards to restaurants free her from cooking.

Friends remember to talk about him when they are together and they tell the widow that they miss him today.

Stacks of wood are cut for the widow.

She gets text messages from friends on his birthday reminding her that they care about her loss.

A community formed a Men to Mend group...in the group were men that were skilled in different occupations. If a widow needed something done she called them and they would send 2 men to do her work. She provided the material and they gave the labor.

Suggestions.........

When you ask your husband to do something for you think about the widow down the road or in your church and call her just to see if she has any specific needs, if she does, offer to get it done for her with your husbands help.

Do not tell a widow to call if she needs anything...she won't. I have not yet talked with anyone that appreciated this offer, and I also know that the well meaning people do not understand why widows can't do this. Honestly I don't know if we widows know why we can't. Maybe its our pride, maybe its because life is so hard and confusing we don't know what we want. In all of the maybe's, I think the most real answer is .....we do not want to be beggars, needy, asking. It makes us feel much more loved and cared for if others bless us because they got a prompting from God. Anything is an act of kindness and your gift whether we really needed it or not warms our hearts and reminds us that you care.

Instead be specific....when you get your mower ready for the summer ask her if hers needs a tune up?

When you get your mulch for the season, ask her if you could deliver hers...and help her put it down.

When you pressure wash your house ask her if you may do hers.

When you plow your garden ask her if you can plow hers too.

Ask her about her vehicle inspection, and if her car is running properly.

Ask her if she has any leaking faucets or any kind of mans work to do. If she says yes, plan an evening, take your tools and your wife and bless her.

If she has boys invite them with you for an evening of fishing.

Include her and her girls in your mother/daughter outing. She needs motivation and a change in scenery.

Listen to the widows conversation....did she mention her fridge quit working? Will she need to buy a new one, or any other appliance?

Did she have children at the Dr. or do they have high dental costs?

Most widows barely make enough money for the necessities and extra costs are very difficult.

Never, never assume that you know what the widow wants. Don't even assume that she wants what you think you would want if you were a widow. Ask her! Talk to her! Listen to her! Often people get so eager to help in those first confusing months and the widow feels like everyone is planning her life. Some people are afraid to ask because they are afraid it will bring the hurt and pain back. Let me assure you.....it is very kind of you to consider that thought, but we did not forget the pain, it did not go away, you will not make it worse by asking how we want something done now that he is not here. We live with our loss every day 24/7 and when you are kind enough to ask our opinion on an issue concerning him we feel blessed. We feel very loved when you allow us to express our feelings instead of you assuming you know what they are.

Again I will say....every widow has her own needs. Her childrens ages and her financial situation can determine very much what her needs are.

There are many needs in a body of believers and when we really care about each other and take an interest in each others lives then our energy and love for each other can be showed in many ways. Whether you have families with wayward youth, older couples that can't get all of there work done alone or single ladies that struggle with finances and maintaining a property,or a widow that is trying to do life alone as a single parent, all of them could use a boost of encouragement in the form of a gift card to a restraunt, a note assuring them of your prayers, or a helping hand and a listening ear. Little is much when God is in it!

If you were one of those people that said,"How do we show a widow we care?' I hope this helps. I also hope that most of all in a small way you have gotten a glimpse into the heart of what is known as the" loneliest and most painful journey" that a person can experience. Someday that journey will be yours.

The Widow....part 1

Anyone that writes for the public to read is constantly aware that there will be people reading that do not agree, there will be critics and there will be a group of loyal folks that understand. I am aware that the post I am planning to write could bring some raised eyebrows and critics. I have decided that I will be ok with the outcome of this writing.

I have been a widow now for  4 years and I continue to be amazed and quite frankly, shocked, at some of the experiences that widows in our Anabaptist churches are faced with. This is not written to be harsh or to bring on a pity party. Rather it is to give you a view into the life and thoughts and heart of a widow.

I have been asked by friends and pastors," What are some ways that the church can care for widows?" I do not claim to have answers that apply to every situation or to every individual because each widow has her own specific likes and needs. I have however, had the privilege to sit in widows groups and listen to the heart cries and hurts of some of these dear ladies. I have also heard stories of kindness and ways that widows were blessed by there churches and communities. Those stories are so refreshing! It seems true both in the Mennonite setting as well as the Christian Community across the US( according to books I have read and ladies that I have listened to) that widows often feel misunderstood.

A young widow with small children is suddenly left with raising her children alone. On top of the enormous loss of her best friend, she now gets to make every single decision ALONE! When is little Johnny going to learn to go to bed alone. Daddy read stories to him every night in his bedroom and the change is just to much!! The widow is exhausted with several other children and the nightly bedtime crying is just to much!!She longingly remembers the better days of looking forward to 5:30 pm when the children were entertained by Daddy, she had another adult to talk to and the evening was a pleasure. Now it is dreaded! Second grade Sally  is doing terrible in school and the 10year old has behavior issues. She feels very alone and depression is barely staying away. On top of  all that, she is still wading through all the legal documents that she had no idea any person had to deal with! And the taxes are coming due and she has NO IDEA what to do. Her income stopped, the funeral costs and the hospital bills keep showing up in her mailbox. She has learned that she needs to keep a death certificate in her purse because DMV or insurance or some other place that she walks into will need proof of death. Its the HATEFUL part of every widow! Her sleepless nights are a mixture of worry for her bills, her children's needs and being afraid she is going to lose her mind. She knows her friends care but they have no idea what to do and even less idea what she is facing. Her children have become very insecure and needy which makes her want to stay at home so no one can see how they are acting. But even when she does get brave enough to go away she shrinks from the thought of coming home alone to a dark empty house and putting the children to bed alone. So maybe its not worth going away. How is she going to make a living. Should she clean houses, start baking, raise puppies, babysit or??? Never before did she think about working outside her home. And now her children need her more then ever but well meaning people are making suggestions and making her feel like she needs to be working. Don't they understand her children can't handle any more changes? Don't they understand that she can't even think clearly enough to get her own work done? Don't they understand that she is overwhelmed with grief and responsibility, how is she ever supposed to get through this? She looks longingly at the neighbor lady who's husband was killed a year ago and he had her covered with life insurance. She does not need to work. Her entire days are spent carrying for her children and herself. Maybe insurance would be better then depending on a church she thinks. At least she wouldn't need to worry about the bills that refuse to stop coming.

Or perhaps its a middle age widow. One with children working outside the home and several are sons. Everybody says, "I'm sure you are so thankful for your children?" While that statement is indeed very true there are other things attached to that truth. Most people think that because she has grown children all her needs are met. Somehow they do not think about the fact that teenagers have their own set of struggles and need a strong father figure to help them wade through life's difficulties. They assume that her big children will cut the woodpile, change the tire on the wheelbarrow, fix the leaking faucet, mend the busted waterline, till the garden, sharpen lawnmower blades, trim the hedges, mend the fence, fix the porch floor, keep the vehicle maintained, butcher the chickens, fix the ceiling fan and take the mixer apart that started sounding weird, plus the 101 other things that husbands do. (Try going one week without asking your husband to do one thing for you) Instead ask your son and expect him to know how to do all these things! Never mind that he worked all day, he would like to have a normal youth life, he struggles without his dad and then is expected to do all this stuff plus share his paycheck with his mother because the Bible says that family should care for their mother and a well meaning church member reminded him of that. The widow sees her children struggle and her heart weeps for them and she cries out to the Father to keep their hearts soft and tender. Her daughters need their Daddy but they get more looks of disapproval then words of affirmation from the very people that should be helping her. Her married children are struggling to make a living and she remembers those early years of marriage when house payments and daily living ate up the pay check. She will never expect her children to pay her bills! They already help her in many ways. She does not want to tell anyone because she already feels like a bother.

And then there is the old lady widow. The one that all her children are gone. She was used to enjoying every day with her husband. They did everything together! He threaded her needles when she quilted, they did the yard and garden work together. They travelled together and went visiting. They were living the dream! Suddenly she is alone, very alone! She can't eat at the table, its to lonely so she pulls a chair to the counter and eats there, putting gas in the car was never her job, and driving anything beyond just the hometown was never done. She doesn't find out what happens in church. He used to come home from men's meetings and tell her everything, now he doesn't come home. She doesn't like all the changes in church but she does not have a voice and his is silent. All the "newsy" men's talk she does not hear and she feels detached because her link is gone. She longs for a Sunday evening visit from someone. She loves the youth girl that comes to chat with her. She loves those kind souls that give her a loaf of bread or a few cookies or some sweet treat. Those things are just to much bother to make for just one person. She knows her grandchildren love her but they are so busy raising families that they seldom stop in. She struggles with finding purpose in life and yet she knows she should not complain. Being alone is so lonely! Locking the door at night and getting into a bed alone is so hard! She weeps silently and she prays.

For every widow, no matter the age she faces loneliness. And strange as it may seem it is very common to feel loneliest in a crowd of people. Sunday is often the worst day of the week! Its the day when you can't bury your pain in your work. It sits with you at church, it eats with you at the fellowship dinner and it drives home with you and it takes a nap with you. Then when you think you have had enough lonely reminders for one day it spends the whole quiet evening alone with you!

Perhaps the widow had a husband who was a minister. Suddenly her life with the church comes to a screeching halt. Maybe he was a member that served on many committees and she faithfully supported him. Maybe they were a home that had the youth many times. Maybe friends passing through the area stopped at their house for an overnight visit. She feels the changes and feels detached in all of these areas.

She is also extremely tired! She had know idea that grief was so exhausting! She would like to stay in bed all day but she can't because her children need her. She has to go shopping for groceries, she has to cook food and do the laundry, she has to keep on living. Everywhere she goes and everything she does is complicated and hard work. Its so hard being a widow. She hates being in a crowd of people! She used to love being identified as "his wife". Now she has know idea who she is and with her protection gone she feels vulnerable and exposed.

 Her friends have become strangers. They make subtle suggestions about getting back to life, about moving on, about happiness finding her again. She is very careful who she shares her deepest thoughts with because she is very aware that it could become juicy gossip. She longs to be loved and understood. She feels judged because she is not the person she used to be and tho' she tries hard her old self is gone. She longs for total acceptance like she had from her husband, to be told that she is beautiful and loved.

She know longer fits in with her friends group. They are all married and getting together with them is so awkward. Who enjoys sitting around a table with 5 married couples when all you can think is your missing husband? That is why so often a widow will bond with new friends. Her old friends try hard to understand but unless they have walked in her shoes or at least have had similar grief of losing a loved one or gone through a traumatic experience they simply do not get it! Its not hard to understand that statement. People with cancer connect very well, couples with infertility problems can bond easily, families who are in adoption and fostering have a common bond. Men connect quite well with other men who are in the same field of work. Think about all the retreats available for all kinds of reasons....handicap retreats, sudden death retreats, adoption retreats and the list goes on and on. People connect well with others that have had similar experiences in life. Widows are women that long for friendships with others in the same boat and we long to be heard and understood. It is done best in a group of others that "Get It". The one very popular retreat in the Mennonite world is Penn Valley retreat and this particular one happens to have a Widows And Widowers weekend. Now I just reminded you that people in similar situations connect well. However it is way to common for a widow to get "raised eyebrows" when friends hear that she is going. Its been said," When people go there they are just looking for another spouse". And its always said by people that have not walked those shoes.. Why? Why can anyone go to any other retreat and enjoy company of others in similar situations but in this particular one there are critics? Let me be quick to add that not all widows are criticized....I also know of some that were encouraged to go and even had the fee paid for them. There are plenty of nice, kind, caring, generous, and extremely loving people looking out for widows! I do not mean to give the impression that nobody cares or understands! I am simply telling you some things that happen way to much and it is hardest to accept when it comes from people that profess to be Godly Bible Believing Christians. I will let you think about this for several days then I will come back and tell you about some of the wonderful kind things that people do for widows.

In the meantime, to my widow friends...if you have something you want me to write you may private message me or email me.

Moving On

There are many , many thoughts that have gone through my head this week. Four years ago I was a new widow. A widow still in shock. A widow that looked in the mirror and said to that tearstained face that was looking back at her" You are a widow". I was the widow that had know idea how to plan a funeral, the widow that was lost in bed and the widow that threw out his toothbrush first thing but still has his other personal care items in the same spot it always was in the bathroom mirror. I am the widow that went from being secure in his love to being very insecure and vulnerable, afraid to be seen. I am the widow that went from loving activity to loving silence and solitude. I am the widow that knows that life will never be the same again.

They tell us that life goes on....and they are right. In fact 4 years have gone shockingly fast! And so much has happened, so many changes! Changes from furniture and room décor to business and granddaughters. Changes that were incredibly hard and changes that were positive. In all the changes that have taken place the past 4 years there was always that question," What would Jonathan do, what would he say?" I don't expect that to ever leave me.

They tell us that it will get easier....and they are right....and they are so wrong!!!They are right that we do not cry every day, that the weight of the pain is not constantly in my face, that we can learn to function without our best friend, that we can laugh again, that we can find joy and fulfillment, that we love life and the blessings God sends our way. Yes, they are right. But they are wrong when they think that the pain goes away. The pain is always there, always present. Every family adventure he is missing, every important decision is made without him, every joy is dulled because it can't be shared with my best friend, every single day and night we face the reality of doing life alone. Looking into the long future of getting old is terrifying and we hope that Jesus will not tarry long.

There is a longing for Heaven that I did not know was possible for the human mind to possess. I did not know that singing songs about Heaven would continue to bring tears. I had no idea that life could be so gut wrenchingly painful. I had no idea about anything I thought I knew about widowhood.

But, there were other things I also did not know!! Praise God! I did not know His Peace and His Security, and His Faithfulness like I do now. I did not know that He could be my VERY BEST FRIEND and that sitting silently in his Presence could be such a gift.

In the past 4 years I have made many new friends. In fact I have new best friends. And guess what...they are widows. Common grounds connect people like nothing else will. We can talk and laugh and cry and understand each other like none other. We have conversations that I would never tell the world we had! LOL! Because you would never understand! We are a safe place to share our gut feelings, our worse fears and our dumbest "widow actions". We tell stories about ourselves that only a widow would understand.

We sleep with a bed full of pillows, turn the music as loud as we want, eat cereal when we want too, and work as late as we please or read as late as our eyes will let us. We get up when our schedule demands or we sleep in when we feel like it. We go away when we want or we stay home all we want. We hate doing life without our best friend but we are determined to have a good life so we ask God for courage and we brave new adventures.

Java Blend has brought me so much joy and satisfaction. In all honesty it has been stress too especially when business is to slow! But I love the connection with my community and especially the many widows that  have touched my life and become friends with. Our backgrounds can be so different, our culture is varied but widowhood brings a connection that looks beyond the skin and the clothes. Our hearts are one in many ways.

Thank you for caring for me and my family and for praying us through these 4 years. Thank you for your continued prayers.

The Joy Of The Lord Is My Strength

I know I have been way to silent for way to long. There were to many things happening in my life! And now things have settled into a bit more normal routine and I feel like I can live again like a normal Mennonite mom.

an inside picture

Its hard to believe I spent the entire summer of 2018 getting ready for grand opening for Java Blend Café. September 13th will go down in history as a very exciting day. There were a lot of people that showed up for the ribbon cutting ceremony. Family, church friends, the town mayor and others from the town council as well as folks that were eager to support the new business. John Beiler, a pastor from my church led in a prayer of blessing, the town mayor said some encouraging words and the town manager also said a nice speech. I was standing in front of the building with my family on my left side and my workers on my right. The ribbon was stretched out in front of us and I was handed the scissors. On the count of 3 I cut it. I kept my emotional feelings tucked tight inside of me tho my eyes got teary and my chin quivered! At long last my dream came true and my heart could barely handle the reality of it all! It was an awesome moment of overwhelming thankfulness to My God who made it all possible!

the front of Java Blend

The summer was by far not without struggle. In fact there were several times when I asked God where He was and what He was doing. I had the best support group behind and around me, praying for me sending me songs and lots of encouragement. My children put up with a busy summer and did lots of extra work. My daughters-in-law saw less of their husbands because they were helping their mother. They were very kind even tho' everyone was tired of all the extra work. In the midst of all the hard work was the delay with the natural gas line. Frustration was high and I could not get anyone to move even a little. Finally I took it to the town manager and told him my problem. Somehow he made the right connections and found the person that was being stubborn. I had made phone calls to some other higher powers in the system, my brother took it upon himself to make some calls and plead for his sister and wow!!! After they finally got things rolling it took them 2 days to install the pipes. They fought over an issue for 3 months and took exactly 2 days to get the job done! Really I do not understand why!!

my lovely employees on our Christmas outing

Somewhere in the mixture of all the work my fryer that I use to make fry pies went on a blink. Honestly, I felt like that was surely the last straw! One week of making no fried pies was a kind of nice break when I didn't think about finances, we were waiting on the part to come in. When the part came and was the wrong part and I lost another week of sales....well lets just say, I did not handle that very well and I needed to repent, so I did. It was during that time that someone sent me the song Over and Over Again and Again God is Faithful...by Jeff and Shari Easter. I listened and I believed but I did not understand. The fryer got fixed on the 3rd week not by a fryer fixer person but simply by my contractor Jeremy Miller who bent over backwards to help me. He worked all day to find the problem, and he found it. He finished at 5:30 pm. Four girls came over at 9 and we made fried pies all night. I crawled into bed at 4 am, tired but happy! The first week of the break down when I was blissfully unaware that it was going to be 3 weeks before it would be fixed I was on the road, troubled about my fryer and wondering why this had to happen to me and I had a very troubled spirit. I was doing what I do a lot of. I was talking to God and asking questions, singing and just driving along by myself. Suddenly I stopped singing because the words that I heard coming   out of my mouth shocked me. I was singing....The Joy of the Lord it will be my strength, when the pressure is on He's making diamonds. I know that song but I did not know why I was singing it... I needed to hear those words, at least the first part. The "making diamonds" well I pondered that for awhile and then I said " Lord, you know I'm really tired of these lessons, whatever they are, this pressure, I'm ok with just being a lump of clay, can we just forget the diamond part"? My vehicle stayed silent, God didn't send me a divine revelation and I still don't know why that all happened, and its very likely that I never will. But its ok. I hope I learned to rest in God and Trust Him. You would think that I have had so many opportunities to have learned to quietly wait on God and trust His timing but really, it still does not come naturally! God is still working on me!

widows dinner

We are now almost 6 month past grand opening and I am loving my spot at Java Blend. I love when friends passing through the area stop in, we are only a short distance off of I81. I also love the interaction with many local folks and I have made many new friends. I connect very well with other widows and was blessed to be able to host a Valentine Dinner for widows. 34 ladies attended that evening and we had lots of fun. My family and several of my employees served the food and also sang several songs. The ladies want me to do it again and it feels like my dream of a Widows Ministry is just beginning. Only God knows where it will go.

play dough with the uncles

I have always enjoyed bookkeeping to a certain degree although I never did large amounts for any reason. Now suddenly I find myself working with QuickBooks, doing payroll, and stressing over all those tax dollars that have to go to certain places by certain dates. Thank God for son Randall who is still doing some of that for me! I comfort myself with the fact that I should not get Alzheimers! I have heard that to keep alzheimers away one should constantly keep learning new things. I have never stopped learning and all the brain cells that die off after 40 are surely being replaced with active healthy ones!

Zoey Pearl

I am also so happy to announce that my new grandbaby arrived safely on Nov 11th. Zoey Pearl weighed 6lb and 11oz. Both mama and baby are doing great and I feel very blessed to have 3 little granddaughters. I'm still amazed at this "Grandma" title! It's such a cozy feeling, a little old, I'll admit but I don't really stop to think about that. I absolutely love when they come to my house! Mckenzie loves to push a chair to the counter when I am doing dishes and she "helps". Usually she needs a dry dress afterwards but that's ok. She also asks many questions! Did I mention that being a Grandma is so much fun!!

4 generations...my mother is 86

 I am so thankful for the strength that my Loving Heavenly Father keeps giving me....yes I have had plenty of hard knocks but His Faithfulness is amazing!