We've all heard it, " Why change when what we have is working." Why not be content with it cuz it works." If only we could go back to the good old days.
My grandmother Stoltzfus was born in 1899. That's a long time ago folks! I don't remember my grandmother, she died when I was 3 years old. I wonder what she would say about all the change in this world in the last 100 years. Think with me.....
the outhouse....I enjoy my own bathroom just next to my bedroom
pumping water and heating it to get it hot.....mine comes hot or cold from the faucet
an icehouse ....I have a freezer that produces ice for me at any time plus keeps all my meats frozen
once a week bath.....Oh how I love a refreshing shower after a day of hot and sweaty work
Grandmother sweated over a hot cooking fire to make meals whether the weather was hot or cold, she carried wood to the kitchen and not just to the fireplace where the flames and heat are mostly for the warmth of added comfort in a house that has central heat. Grandma didn't know about microwaves and dishwashers and clothes washers and dryers and electric lights and phones and thermal pane windows and wall to wall carpet. Her house was hot in the summer and hard work to keep warm in the winter. It was back when the neighbors all looked out for each other and men harvested the crops and butchered cows and hogs on cold winter days. Women died in childbirth and pneumonia ended life much to quickly. That and much more took place "in the good old days".
What if no one would have said we can do more, make more, get creative and be daring. What if the Wright brothers would have given up flying on the first failure because the whole town laughed and said the idea was crazy! Who could have imagined on that day in 1903 at the first flight that one day aircraft would stay in the air for many hours and fly at neckbreaking speeds across 1000s of miles. Grandma could never have imagined doing laundry, washing dishes and sleeping all at the same time. Convenience allows me to sleep while my dishwasher washes dishes and my washer hums away scrubbing the laundry. I'm very grateful that I don't need to do all the things Grandma did. I like these changes!
But that is not all that changed! I'm shocked at the many new changes in just the last decade. Words... yes words. Technology has brought with it a whole new set of vocabulary and my head spins as I try to understand them all. IPhone, ipad, ipod, smart phone. We upload and down load. The floppy disk and hard drive and thumbdrive, all have a place somewhere, but believe me, I don't know where. And I'm still confused as to whether I order stuff off-line or on-line. Facebook and facetime, instagram, vox, Skype, snapchat, blogs, google plus and more keep communication flowing even across the ocean!
Can you imagine the day when you could eavesdrop on your neighbors conversation on the phone, thanks to the party line. And now teenagers think that there phone is there own personal space! You NEED a phone for sure by the time you have a drivers license! Isn't it truly amazing how it all has changed?
I married into a family that likes to be connected. We have vox chat groups and email family groups where sisters like to inform us how much canning they got done that day or that daughter baked bread for the first time. Grandma tells us where they are going and that dad mowed lawn for the first time this spring. I show pictures of my sweet grandbaby for the family to ooo and awe over. They face time Matts surprise 40th birthday party so Tony can see it from Africa. Our children can't even imagine taking pictures with a film camera and then having to develop them before you can see them. We took them to a store and dropped the little black thing into an envelope and you filled out the correct spaces. Glossy or matte? 12, 24, or 36 exposure?. And then you went back 5 days later to pick up the pictures. And what a bummer when half the pictures didn't "turn out" very good! Now we use Mpix or picmonkey or snapfish or mixbook or.....? All from the convenience of our home!
Malachi 3:6 For I am the Lord, I change not. We live in a changing world but God has not changed even a little bit. The promises He made 2000 years ago are as valid now as they were then. We can Trust Him ALWAYS ! That's ALWAYS! Who else can you trust ALWAYS? He will never ever change and that gives me security like nothing else can!
I'm glad some things changed in the past 100 years, I really do like some of the conveniences. Other changes I think are not necessary, some are stupid and then there are some that are a bit scary. Obviously Change will happen, whether I like it or not. Change is inevitable and to resist change is not always wise.
One reason people resist change is because they focus on what they have to give up instead of what they have to gain.
I need constant wisdom from God to know how to accept and embrace change. Many, many things have changed in my life in the past year. Most of them and maybe all of them I don't like! I don't see any gain but I keenly feel the loss! I'm still struggling in that area. The days of widowhood have progressed from days to weeks to months and almost a year. The sadness of remembering the pain and stress of a year ago have a way of sweeping over me. The pain comes back with force that takes my breath and sends streams of tears down my cheeks. Remembering is not very pleasant, but burying the feeling is harmful to the soul and so we cry the tears that need to be cried and then we hold on to God and His Amazing Grace and we Know that we can accept this change and go on with life.
If nothing ever changed there'd be no butterflies.
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord...." Jeremiah 29:11
Friday, March 18, 2016
Sunday, February 21, 2016
New Status
Mckenzie Dawn arrived on Feb. 12, 2016 and she gave me a new status! I am now a grandmother! How is it possible to go from mother to grandmother in 23 years? Honestly, it is truly amazing that I am old enough for that title. You know I used to think that Grandmothers were those old ladies that walked with a certain little stoop, they had grey hair, their teeth rattled if they laughed to much, and they had pockets that held fun little treats, like smarties or lollipops, and they read stories with a lap full of little people.
This grandma does not have all of the above characteristics. Its true, my hair does have strands of silver lining and my eyes are not seeing so clearly anymore, and my memory is a bit short,but I would like to say that I do not feel like an old lady grandma. I was however quite disturbed this week when I realized I could not see the time on my phone at night time when I didn't have my glasses on! Something is getting worse! Jonathan has for years already told me that I should sew pockets on my dresses so I could better keep track of my phone. I never listened and continued to have to go on frantic phone search sprees. Well, I'm thinking that now that I'm a grandma I really should have pockets so I can carry fun things with me too. And then I wonder what I might carry in my pockets. I am convinced that it is stupid to get little people hooked on sweets and junk food, so whats my options? Raisens, blueberries, and carrot sticks....hmmm? I hope your not feeling sorry for her. She has plenty of uncles that will want to feed her ice cream and chips and smarties and lollipops, and cookies and fruit loops and, and......?? I sure hope we can be balanced in all things. Several years ago I found a pill that was supposed to help memory loss and I got a bottle of them but they didn't help at all because I always forgot to take them!! Its bad when its that bad!This week Jeremy read a quote and thought it fit me. " Why is it that when I want something I can't find it, but when I don't need it, its there."
I had so much fun caring for mama and baby this week! They all moved into my house for several days since Randall works here at the shop and Mary wasn't real keen on staying by herself. It was easier for me to have them here then I could wait on them hand and foot without leaving my house. So it was all good. Justin and David are in Africa right now so this house would have been much to quiet and empty. It was perfect to have Randall's here this week. I got to snuggle and cuddle this baby all week and I was on night duty several nights. That is when I discovered that my eyesight is going downhill! The other Grandparents from Montana arrived Thursday night so she has plenty of help at her house. Her sister will be staying for several weeks. Mckenzie is the sweetest little girl you ever did see! she weighed 7lb and 14oz. I sure forgot how tiny newborns are but it has been so much fun.
I was amused several years ago during the Christmas season when I got some family photos and letters from friends and the ladies were bragging on their grandchildren and I thought it was rather a funny thing to do! I reckon I will be joining the Bragging Grandma Club!
And yes, as I mentioned earlier, Justin and David are in Africa to visit Uncle Tony and family and friends.They had been planning this trip for months already and several folks tried to persuade me to go to. I was so happy that I could say that I am not going anywhere in Feb. cuz I can't be on the other side of the world when my grandbaby is born. Also, I still don't like to fly and those long flights give me nightmares just thinking about them. Of course I had my concerns about my sons going....safe flights, animal safety while visiting the Mara, snakes, traffic safety etc. etc. Like normal the boys thought I was being a pessimist and had all kinds of stupid fears so I figured it was better to talk to God about it all then voice my thoughts to them. It so came to pass that while they were visiting the Mara they got charged by a very angry elephant. He was running toward them swinging his trunk and flapping his ears and making angry noises and they tried to hurry away with the vehicle but then another vehicle got stuck in its efforts to get away and they had to help them get unstuck. They all were quite scared and Justin said he thinks it was the" Prayers from those they love that saved them." Jamie and Ayla, Tony's 2 children will forever be scared of elephants.When Justin voxed and told me they were leaving the Mara I was grateful that they did not get stomped or torn apart by any wild beasts. They saw lots of animals and loved it there but they are also loving it back in civilization with Waynes and Tonys. I will love having them back home again and I can't wait to hear their stories!
My daily work load does shrink a good bit having 2 boys missing. Laundry and cooking and grocery shopping is all seriously affected with 2 less. And the house is just a little to quiet. Yes those 2 that are gone do seem to think that the 2 youngest make the most noise around here but for some reason it got quieter, boring and quite frankly a little depressing. We are all so glad that they are coming home this week! I'm not at all convinced that the feeling is mutual but if they have anything to say they can leave a comment.
I had been dreading the month of February but its almost over and I survived. I like to think that God was looking out for me and brought the baby here 2 weeks early to help the time of missing the boys go a little faster and keep me occupied with fun things.I think it was pretty special of Him to do that for me. Don't you?
Another cancer friend joined Jonathan in Heaven a week ago. I wonder what they talk about when they meet each other. Do they discuss the cancer fights and pain or is the former life all passed away? I guess we will have to wait and see.
We are keenly aware of the missing Grandpa. He would be the happiest man on earth! But we know that his happiness now can't be compared to any earthly happiness. But we still miss him!
 |
| perfectly sweet |
I had so much fun caring for mama and baby this week! They all moved into my house for several days since Randall works here at the shop and Mary wasn't real keen on staying by herself. It was easier for me to have them here then I could wait on them hand and foot without leaving my house. So it was all good. Justin and David are in Africa right now so this house would have been much to quiet and empty. It was perfect to have Randall's here this week. I got to snuggle and cuddle this baby all week and I was on night duty several nights. That is when I discovered that my eyesight is going downhill! The other Grandparents from Montana arrived Thursday night so she has plenty of help at her house. Her sister will be staying for several weeks. Mckenzie is the sweetest little girl you ever did see! she weighed 7lb and 14oz. I sure forgot how tiny newborns are but it has been so much fun.
I was amused several years ago during the Christmas season when I got some family photos and letters from friends and the ladies were bragging on their grandchildren and I thought it was rather a funny thing to do! I reckon I will be joining the Bragging Grandma Club!
 |
| Carlin proud to be holding his niece |
My daily work load does shrink a good bit having 2 boys missing. Laundry and cooking and grocery shopping is all seriously affected with 2 less. And the house is just a little to quiet. Yes those 2 that are gone do seem to think that the 2 youngest make the most noise around here but for some reason it got quieter, boring and quite frankly a little depressing. We are all so glad that they are coming home this week! I'm not at all convinced that the feeling is mutual but if they have anything to say they can leave a comment.
I had been dreading the month of February but its almost over and I survived. I like to think that God was looking out for me and brought the baby here 2 weeks early to help the time of missing the boys go a little faster and keep me occupied with fun things.I think it was pretty special of Him to do that for me. Don't you?
 |
| Feb 2014 a few days before the surgery |
We are keenly aware of the missing Grandpa. He would be the happiest man on earth! But we know that his happiness now can't be compared to any earthly happiness. But we still miss him!
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
A Hard Month
I can't come up with a good title. It could be
Reflections.......but that is to general
Memories.........don't like that either
Unfair........... that's just life
Tired.........Well who isn't
I hate strokes.......not a good title
Actually , any of the above could be the title of this post, and ever since this morning these thoughts have been gripping me and I knew that they needed to be written.
I think I have written before about Jonathan's stroke, at least I did on the caring bridge site that I used to keep. And Feb. is the anniversary month of that life changing, dream shattering event. It was Feb. 1st 2004. Jonathan had just finished his 3rd week of horrible chemo. Nauseous, terrible taste in his mouth, no appetite, no hair, swollen face( which should have been a reason to be concerned) . The oncologist was aware but even he did not understand the warning. Jonathan had also had a morning when he was so weak on his right side that he could not lift his glass to his face with his right hand when he wanted a drink, again the Dr. was alerted but...he had no explanation. The day was Sunday, he had a headache most of the day. At 7 in the evening 2 of my siblings from PA were stopping in with there spouses for a short overnight visit. I prepared a light supper, ham n cheese sandwiches and veggies and dip. They arrived and were barely in the house 5 minutes, and had not even seen him yet when I heard a thud on the bathroom floor. I rushed to check, the door was locked but I got it open with my hairpin and from there, the nightmare began.
He was sweating profusely and he tried to talk but could only stammer, the ambulance came, we went to the hospital. The church had been having services but when they were notified they dismissed after praying. Many came to the hospital and quietly came up beside me and hugged me and assured me of prayers.I was silent, dumbfounded and having contractions. My sister rubbed my back as we waited for the Dr. to figure out what to do next. They didn't know what to do, service was rotten and they were sending us to Roanoke where his oncologist was. In the meantime he started to sweat again and after that he could not make any sound. I was in a complete blissfully ignorant daze and extremely tired and I went to sleep on a waiting room couch while my sister sat by his bed all night. I remember thinking that surely tomorrow they can give him something and he would be ok again. O the bliss of ignorance!
That tomorrow never came! He stayed there for 17 days. Monday they did CT scans and all types of tests. I was alone with him when the Dr. came in to tell me that it was a stroke and even then I was blank. I had no clue what that meant. Sure I knew that old people had strokes but surely this meant something else. He was to young, we still had a life to live, really, it simply did not sink into my head what was happening! On Wed. evening I was going to come home for overnight for the first time but then the Dr. came in to tell us they were going to start Heprin which is a blood thinner and anything could happen. He was at constant risk of having more strokes but starting Heprin was risky because if they gave it to heavy it could make the clot move and instantly kill him. A nurse told me she would not leave if she were me. My children had come up with friends and it was so hard to kneel in front of them and pull them in my arms and tell them that I cannot go home tonight with them. It was Wed. night, prayer meeting in many churches and the word was spread and people prayed.
Because he lived through all that they had to figure out what to do with him. Therapy was next. They moved him to another floor I think that weekend. Speech, physchical and occupational therapy was his routine morning and afternoon. He excelled quickly in everything except speech. The stroke had left the hardest affects on his speech.
Let me back up just a little. I came home Thursday evening, exhausted, weary and worried. I clearly remember getting into bed and curling up and sobbing my eyes out to the One who knew all about it. I had a long chat with God that night. I reminded him that I have 4 sons and another one soon to be born. I told him that all boys need there daddy and I do not understand what He is trying to do or trying to teach me. I did tell him that I am going to hold him at His Word and since He promised to take care of his children that I was going to believe that and trust that He would do it. I went to sleep and slept until morning. I think it was after midnight by then and I had had 4 nights at the hospital so I was very tired.
Family and friends took me the hour to the hospital every day, my vehicle got filled with gas, the children were put to school and babysitters, laundry was done, and everything kept going. I concentrated on him and my unborn baby and chatted with my children when they came to the hospital and in the evening. I rarely went to bed before midnight and the next morning I was on the road again shortly after 8. It was clearly strength from The Father!
Two weeks of intense therapy brought his strength and abilities back quickly but speech was the BIG problem. We came home on Feb. 17th. I was so excited about going home! I was sick of hospital life, I wanted normal family life more then anything else in the world! O the bliss of ignorance! On the way home I got this horrible scared feeling. Now I was his primary care taker, what if anything happens? I got into bed with him that night but I was scared, horribly scared! I listened to his breathing, I rehearsed the what if's, I tried to get my 8 month pregnant body comfortable without disturbing him. The night was terrible.
On March 15th Carlin was born and what a joyful day it was. We had asked a friend to be my coach during the birth since Jonathan did not think he was able to be the support he had always been during the other births. Everything went well and we were able to come home from the hospital the very next day. Family showed up to drive us home because he was still not driving.
And life began in a new way. Speech therapy every day, Dr visits to check his blood 3 times a week and we also did excersizes to develop his brain that took 30 minutes a day. If I was writing a book there would be many more details but since I am not I will skip those.
The things I really wanted to write are the brain trauma of a stroke victim. Actually its not only stroke victims that suffer from brain trauma. An accident that includes a lot of bleeding on the brain or an anyurism can cause serious brain trauma. Injuries to the brain are very difficult for the victim. The rest of us can't see any hurt parts unless of course the victim is in a wheelchair or other forms of handicap, but in this case he looked perfectly normal. Jonathan lost his speech and that was the worst thing that could have happened to him, at least in his mind. He would have rather been stuck in a wheel chair then not be able to talk! If you can't understand that go ahead and tape your mouth shut for a day and see how you like it. You NEED to talk, you NEED to be understood, and you just NEED to be able to be heard. In his case he knew what he wanted to say but the connection to his mouth was messed up and he COULD NOT say the words. Sometimes he would make motions like he just wanted to pull out his tongue. Frustration was high at times! Comprehension was his other bigger struggle, and everything that was to be done looked big and impossible, even little things like cooking eggs for breakfast. I had been told by the therapists that I may not do everything for him, that I need to give him instructions and expect him to get it done. Now imagine this...he looks like a man because he is a man, he is my husband and he has 5 little boys. We sit at the table to eat and it takes so much concentration to get food on his own plate that he totally forgets about the 5 year old beside him. It would be easy to simply fill all the plates myself but I need to HELP him heal. I needed to remind him to cut the meat or fix the jelly bread etc..He would very willingly do anything but he could not see the need without being told. One time I was frying eggs for breakfast and I put them in the skillet then I walked away( on purpose) and I called out to him to finish the eggs. When I came back to the kitchen a minute later he had the flipper in his hand but he had no idea what to do next. I gave him step by step instructions. You have to understand that cooking eggs was something he always knew how to do, it was not a new task!!
There is another problem. I'm his wife, and I am not used to telling him what to do. I had a terrible struggle finding the balance in submission, encouraging him, urging him to try new things and keeping it all in balance. Communication is my love language. I can connect with people that talk with me. Conversation is a sure key to love and friendship. Now I needed to give love to my husband that could not talk. I could ask him questions but I also had to give answer options. One sided conversations are terrible. I was forced to talk to God more even tho' those conversations seemed one sided at times also. That first year was hard, beyond hard!
A stroke victim feels trapped inside his own body that simply will not follow instructions! The books told me that he would never be the same, that I could expect anger and depression. Stroke books give very gloomy pictures. The truth is that many times if not MOST times the person is mean and angers easily. I remember crying out to God and telling Him that I married Jonathan because I loved the person he was and I begged God to bring back the man I married.
Speech therapy continued in our home 5 days a week. A therapist came for 30 minutes every day until the end of July. She was a wonderful lady and continues to be a friend. Jonathan loved her. She understood him like few people did and he was comfortable with her. I was amazed at his ability in sensing when someone was comfortable with him.He could tell when a person talked with him just like a normal person but he could also tell when folks didn't know what to say and kinda wanted to move on. He sensed kindness when the person patiently waited while he tried to stammer out his words and he did not enjoy having anyone finish his sentence or interrupt him.
Brain trauma makes the victim extremely tired. In crowds he would feel like he was in a fog and he could not focus on anything. Evenings he would say his brain is so tired. His security was horrible. He would stay right beside me when we were at weddings or anywhere outside of normal.
Eventually, slowly, ever so slowly, to slowly to really know when it happened he got better and better. I remember at night when I was putting Carlin to sleep I would beg God to please do a miracle, please heal him overnight and make him talk. The next morning I would anxiously listen for those first words and my heart would sink. I was sure that He would be so honoured that it had to be a good request. That miracle never came.
At the 3 month check up with the brain doctor I asked her for statistics. How many people survive a stroke like he had. She looked at me and said," There are none, they usually die with a stroke so severe". I was shocked, stunned. I asked, " How much more can I expect him to improve?' She said," I don't know Mrs. Zook, if he doesn't improve more then this you have a lot to be thankful for." Again I was shocked. We had 10 more years of miracle life with him.
My plea to you is this. If you have a loved one that suffered from brain trauma please be extra kind. Overlook his flaws and encourage them LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS. Feelings of failure are very real, everything looks difficult, and they hate the person they have become. They need someone to walk beside them and help them, someone that treats them like a normal adult and doesn't just make his life plans because he can't anyway. The truth is he very much knows when plans are being made around him and not with him. An adult always deserves to be treated as an adult whether you think they get it or not.
We didn't do it all right always. We struggled and forgave and loved and did it all over again. But we always had love. And that is why Feb. is a hard month. The prayers and tears of bygone years, the memories of love in the good years and the reality of a life so well lived and now gone....brings tears that are hard to stop.There is much more to his story, but this post must end.
I must also note that we had the most wonderful support during all his journey. Our church and families and our community has been the most generous caring folks you have ever seen, Thank you for your continued prayers.
Reflections.......but that is to general
Memories.........don't like that either
Unfair........... that's just life
Tired.........Well who isn't
I hate strokes.......not a good title
Actually , any of the above could be the title of this post, and ever since this morning these thoughts have been gripping me and I knew that they needed to be written.
I think I have written before about Jonathan's stroke, at least I did on the caring bridge site that I used to keep. And Feb. is the anniversary month of that life changing, dream shattering event. It was Feb. 1st 2004. Jonathan had just finished his 3rd week of horrible chemo. Nauseous, terrible taste in his mouth, no appetite, no hair, swollen face( which should have been a reason to be concerned) . The oncologist was aware but even he did not understand the warning. Jonathan had also had a morning when he was so weak on his right side that he could not lift his glass to his face with his right hand when he wanted a drink, again the Dr. was alerted but...he had no explanation. The day was Sunday, he had a headache most of the day. At 7 in the evening 2 of my siblings from PA were stopping in with there spouses for a short overnight visit. I prepared a light supper, ham n cheese sandwiches and veggies and dip. They arrived and were barely in the house 5 minutes, and had not even seen him yet when I heard a thud on the bathroom floor. I rushed to check, the door was locked but I got it open with my hairpin and from there, the nightmare began.
He was sweating profusely and he tried to talk but could only stammer, the ambulance came, we went to the hospital. The church had been having services but when they were notified they dismissed after praying. Many came to the hospital and quietly came up beside me and hugged me and assured me of prayers.I was silent, dumbfounded and having contractions. My sister rubbed my back as we waited for the Dr. to figure out what to do next. They didn't know what to do, service was rotten and they were sending us to Roanoke where his oncologist was. In the meantime he started to sweat again and after that he could not make any sound. I was in a complete blissfully ignorant daze and extremely tired and I went to sleep on a waiting room couch while my sister sat by his bed all night. I remember thinking that surely tomorrow they can give him something and he would be ok again. O the bliss of ignorance!
That tomorrow never came! He stayed there for 17 days. Monday they did CT scans and all types of tests. I was alone with him when the Dr. came in to tell me that it was a stroke and even then I was blank. I had no clue what that meant. Sure I knew that old people had strokes but surely this meant something else. He was to young, we still had a life to live, really, it simply did not sink into my head what was happening! On Wed. evening I was going to come home for overnight for the first time but then the Dr. came in to tell us they were going to start Heprin which is a blood thinner and anything could happen. He was at constant risk of having more strokes but starting Heprin was risky because if they gave it to heavy it could make the clot move and instantly kill him. A nurse told me she would not leave if she were me. My children had come up with friends and it was so hard to kneel in front of them and pull them in my arms and tell them that I cannot go home tonight with them. It was Wed. night, prayer meeting in many churches and the word was spread and people prayed.
Because he lived through all that they had to figure out what to do with him. Therapy was next. They moved him to another floor I think that weekend. Speech, physchical and occupational therapy was his routine morning and afternoon. He excelled quickly in everything except speech. The stroke had left the hardest affects on his speech.
Let me back up just a little. I came home Thursday evening, exhausted, weary and worried. I clearly remember getting into bed and curling up and sobbing my eyes out to the One who knew all about it. I had a long chat with God that night. I reminded him that I have 4 sons and another one soon to be born. I told him that all boys need there daddy and I do not understand what He is trying to do or trying to teach me. I did tell him that I am going to hold him at His Word and since He promised to take care of his children that I was going to believe that and trust that He would do it. I went to sleep and slept until morning. I think it was after midnight by then and I had had 4 nights at the hospital so I was very tired.
Family and friends took me the hour to the hospital every day, my vehicle got filled with gas, the children were put to school and babysitters, laundry was done, and everything kept going. I concentrated on him and my unborn baby and chatted with my children when they came to the hospital and in the evening. I rarely went to bed before midnight and the next morning I was on the road again shortly after 8. It was clearly strength from The Father!
Two weeks of intense therapy brought his strength and abilities back quickly but speech was the BIG problem. We came home on Feb. 17th. I was so excited about going home! I was sick of hospital life, I wanted normal family life more then anything else in the world! O the bliss of ignorance! On the way home I got this horrible scared feeling. Now I was his primary care taker, what if anything happens? I got into bed with him that night but I was scared, horribly scared! I listened to his breathing, I rehearsed the what if's, I tried to get my 8 month pregnant body comfortable without disturbing him. The night was terrible.
On March 15th Carlin was born and what a joyful day it was. We had asked a friend to be my coach during the birth since Jonathan did not think he was able to be the support he had always been during the other births. Everything went well and we were able to come home from the hospital the very next day. Family showed up to drive us home because he was still not driving.
And life began in a new way. Speech therapy every day, Dr visits to check his blood 3 times a week and we also did excersizes to develop his brain that took 30 minutes a day. If I was writing a book there would be many more details but since I am not I will skip those.
The things I really wanted to write are the brain trauma of a stroke victim. Actually its not only stroke victims that suffer from brain trauma. An accident that includes a lot of bleeding on the brain or an anyurism can cause serious brain trauma. Injuries to the brain are very difficult for the victim. The rest of us can't see any hurt parts unless of course the victim is in a wheelchair or other forms of handicap, but in this case he looked perfectly normal. Jonathan lost his speech and that was the worst thing that could have happened to him, at least in his mind. He would have rather been stuck in a wheel chair then not be able to talk! If you can't understand that go ahead and tape your mouth shut for a day and see how you like it. You NEED to talk, you NEED to be understood, and you just NEED to be able to be heard. In his case he knew what he wanted to say but the connection to his mouth was messed up and he COULD NOT say the words. Sometimes he would make motions like he just wanted to pull out his tongue. Frustration was high at times! Comprehension was his other bigger struggle, and everything that was to be done looked big and impossible, even little things like cooking eggs for breakfast. I had been told by the therapists that I may not do everything for him, that I need to give him instructions and expect him to get it done. Now imagine this...he looks like a man because he is a man, he is my husband and he has 5 little boys. We sit at the table to eat and it takes so much concentration to get food on his own plate that he totally forgets about the 5 year old beside him. It would be easy to simply fill all the plates myself but I need to HELP him heal. I needed to remind him to cut the meat or fix the jelly bread etc..He would very willingly do anything but he could not see the need without being told. One time I was frying eggs for breakfast and I put them in the skillet then I walked away( on purpose) and I called out to him to finish the eggs. When I came back to the kitchen a minute later he had the flipper in his hand but he had no idea what to do next. I gave him step by step instructions. You have to understand that cooking eggs was something he always knew how to do, it was not a new task!!
There is another problem. I'm his wife, and I am not used to telling him what to do. I had a terrible struggle finding the balance in submission, encouraging him, urging him to try new things and keeping it all in balance. Communication is my love language. I can connect with people that talk with me. Conversation is a sure key to love and friendship. Now I needed to give love to my husband that could not talk. I could ask him questions but I also had to give answer options. One sided conversations are terrible. I was forced to talk to God more even tho' those conversations seemed one sided at times also. That first year was hard, beyond hard!
A stroke victim feels trapped inside his own body that simply will not follow instructions! The books told me that he would never be the same, that I could expect anger and depression. Stroke books give very gloomy pictures. The truth is that many times if not MOST times the person is mean and angers easily. I remember crying out to God and telling Him that I married Jonathan because I loved the person he was and I begged God to bring back the man I married.
Speech therapy continued in our home 5 days a week. A therapist came for 30 minutes every day until the end of July. She was a wonderful lady and continues to be a friend. Jonathan loved her. She understood him like few people did and he was comfortable with her. I was amazed at his ability in sensing when someone was comfortable with him.He could tell when a person talked with him just like a normal person but he could also tell when folks didn't know what to say and kinda wanted to move on. He sensed kindness when the person patiently waited while he tried to stammer out his words and he did not enjoy having anyone finish his sentence or interrupt him.
Brain trauma makes the victim extremely tired. In crowds he would feel like he was in a fog and he could not focus on anything. Evenings he would say his brain is so tired. His security was horrible. He would stay right beside me when we were at weddings or anywhere outside of normal.
Eventually, slowly, ever so slowly, to slowly to really know when it happened he got better and better. I remember at night when I was putting Carlin to sleep I would beg God to please do a miracle, please heal him overnight and make him talk. The next morning I would anxiously listen for those first words and my heart would sink. I was sure that He would be so honoured that it had to be a good request. That miracle never came.
At the 3 month check up with the brain doctor I asked her for statistics. How many people survive a stroke like he had. She looked at me and said," There are none, they usually die with a stroke so severe". I was shocked, stunned. I asked, " How much more can I expect him to improve?' She said," I don't know Mrs. Zook, if he doesn't improve more then this you have a lot to be thankful for." Again I was shocked. We had 10 more years of miracle life with him.
My plea to you is this. If you have a loved one that suffered from brain trauma please be extra kind. Overlook his flaws and encourage them LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS. Feelings of failure are very real, everything looks difficult, and they hate the person they have become. They need someone to walk beside them and help them, someone that treats them like a normal adult and doesn't just make his life plans because he can't anyway. The truth is he very much knows when plans are being made around him and not with him. An adult always deserves to be treated as an adult whether you think they get it or not.
We didn't do it all right always. We struggled and forgave and loved and did it all over again. But we always had love. And that is why Feb. is a hard month. The prayers and tears of bygone years, the memories of love in the good years and the reality of a life so well lived and now gone....brings tears that are hard to stop.There is much more to his story, but this post must end.
I must also note that we had the most wonderful support during all his journey. Our church and families and our community has been the most generous caring folks you have ever seen, Thank you for your continued prayers.
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