What is Heaven Really Like

October 15th is a special day...Its Jonathan's birthday. The day his Mom and Dad became" First Time" parents. His future was unknown but the responsibility of raising a son for God was important. It was the day they held his little hands and counted his tiny toes and fingers and kissed his soft baby skin. It was the day that dreams were born for their firstborn son.

They had no idea that he would only get 44 years of life. They never imagined that he would die before they did. That isn't part of our dream on the day that our babies are born. In fact we all have a strong feeling that children should not die before the parents do.

But God had other Plans.

If I could have one more conversation with My Love I would ask him these questions. You may listen in.

Honey, What is Heaven really like? I wanted to say Happy Birthday to you today but you are gone where time is no more...do you even think about your birthday,  do you tell the other saints that " today on earth I would be 47 years old"? Since there is no night there do you even have any recollection of time and days and years. Just what is heaven really like?

Honey, you loved talking with friends and laughing and meeting new people. What is Heaven really like now that you can talk again without your speech/stroke problems. Are you talking non-stop and they "can't shut you up" like a neighbor suggested at your viewing. And what do you talk about. Your earthly struggles, your sickness, your business, your families? I can't even imagine the conversations you might have. What is Heaven really like?

Honey, what is heaven really like?All the  people that we knew and loved and cared about and they joined you or you joined them. My Dad, and my little nieces and nephews, Saranna, and Bernice and Rose and many others....did you find Noah and ask him about life on the Ark. Did you ask Moses how God took him away. Did you laugh with Jonah when he told you about being wrapped in the seaweed of the big fishes belly for 3 days? Did Daniel explain the night with the lions because he prayed only to the One True God? Did David tell you the story about the Giant and the great victory with one smooth stone from the brook? What is Heaven really like?

Honey, what is Heaven really like? The walls of Jasper, the streets of gold, the water clear as crystal. The heights of the walls and the distance of the Celestial city, it must be huge! Did you see all of it yet? Do you wear silky slippers so you won't scratch the Streets of gold. What is it like to walk on gold? No dust no gravel no bumps or pot holes! And the  streams of water that are crystal clear? I can't even imagine the colors and the beauty and the pure JOY that you are surrounded with. I can't even imagine the Peace and total Contentment. What is Heaven really like?

Honey, what is Heaven really like? To be in the Presence of Jesus, the One you lived for, the One you Loved and The One you held on to when there was nothing else to hold on to. The One you Believed in even during the hardest times of sickness and despair. You didn't get angry with Him or doubt His love for you. I know you would tell me that it is SO WORTH IT ALL! When you touched His nail scarred Hands and His feet and His side, when you got one glimps of His Face, did you instantly know that your life was planned with a purpose? What is Heaven really like?

Honey, what is Heaven really like? I know that you are not sorry that you didn't get to live here until you were 80 like I wanted you to or 100. But really are you sorry that we spent so much money to keep you here longer? Would you do that differently? What does it look like from your perspective? Or is that all God's perfect plan too...the desire to live here. I simply can't imagine the Glories of Heaven and my mind is still earthly....I will press on, live well, love Our Saviour and join you some day. Maybe soon? And then I will know What Heaven is Really Like.

Leeks and Garlics

Camping was a very important event in this family as our children were growing up. We camped at the same primitive campground for probably 6 years. There was no electricity, no shower houses and just the old fashioned outhouses that smelled really really bad! But there was a river that went right behind the campground and if we booked our sites early enough we could get a tent site with the river right behind our tent. The boys LOVED the place. They played in the water and we  would all go tubing down the river. I guess I was younger and braver or had more energy for such things because I really did love it too. Now I would be quite content to sit on the bank and watch! The skunks and coons would visit our trash at night and one of our tents still has a hole where Justin claubered a coon through the netting. It was an immense amount of work getting all our gear together and food packed into ice chests and expect it to stay good for 3 days. And it seemed like many times when we went camping it would rain at least a part of our stay, so we made tarps a part of our camping gear too. And I remember the misery of a full fledged thunderstorm with heavy rain, laying in the tent during the night and being very aware that the walk to the outhouse was very far away and that it really needed to stop raining soon! The comforts of my conveniences at home looked very inviting and impossible to get to.

The last time we went was in 2012. We had done a little camping during Jonathan's illness in 2013  but it was close home and with a camper. Last year I took my family to a beautiful cabin in the mountains of NC and it was so refreshing and quiet and peaceful. This year we went camping, in tents, and no electricity. Not to our same river campground....it was a little more modern, at least there were shower houses but it was in tents. A lot of memories flooded over me! It was so different this time! The boys turned into men. This time they set up the tents, this time they lit the campfire, this time they cleaned up camp before retiring for the night. The last time in 2012 they helped with all of that but with no Daddy to give the orders and decide the next step they did it this time.

It seemed like we picked the hottest weekend of the summer. We were pontooning on the lake on Sat and it was lovely in spite of the little rain shower but that evening when we got back to camp it was soo very warm! Justin was cooking burgers over the fire and sweat was pouring from him. In fact we could sweat just sitting and doing nothing! We never sat around the fire and made smores, it was to hot! I laid in my tent at night and tried to cool off and there was no moving air. Just the night noises and the stars and me and my little family camped around me and I thought about the comforts of home, my bed and the cool air in my bedroom with a bathroom a couple steps away. At one point David removed the top cover from the tent in hopes of getting a bit more cool air from somewhere. It didn't help much.

And then I thought about the Children of Israel wandering around in the dessert for 40 years in the heat and a very boring diet and God got very harsh with them for complaining! I decided then and there that I would not have been any better! Oh I know, they were used to living in tents or similar structures and they were not pampered with all the convenieces that we take for granted BUT ....they still thought back to the "leeks and Garlics" that they were missing. They were missing good food. The manna was a miracle sent to them every day but when we went camping I took a much bigger variety of food for 3 days then just bread! I'm sure I would have gotten tired of manna too. I can't really compare my life to theres because I don't really know what it was like. However it got me thinking. God was looking out for them and getting them out of slavery. Their complaing and unbelief made his delivery take so much longer then it should have. I don't think God was punishing them for remembering the good things they had and now lost but He was upset with their complaining spirit, their unthankfulness.

 And then I wonder about my life and if I hinder God's blessing on me when I fret about the things that I don't like. When I see others enjoying the good  things I hoped to enjoy and I forget to thank God for the way that He does care for me in the circumstances that I face, does He get frustrated with me too? Is complaining less sinful then it was back then. Does the absence of thankfulness remove His blessing from my life? Does a negative" I wish life would be different" attitude grieve my God ? Maybe I'm not saying anything...at least I'm not complaining. Is that ok? He still knows if I'm not thankful for the good things He does send my way.
                    That was the lesson I learned while camping.

And then we went camping the second time. With folks we didn't know very well. We had one common bond. Missing Daddies. My brother-in-law Jason arranged this camping trip. He has a sister who's husband died from a heart attack. She has a family close in age to my family. We spent the weekend together talking laughing and sitting around the fire and eating good food. It was not manna either! We ate burgers and pork loins and deer meat that melted in your mouth. We had delicious melons and salads and chip dips and desserts! It was lots of fun. And it was comfortable! We widows tend to feel very uncomfortable in crowds but this was different. Mutual feelings, nothing awkward! It was a great weekend! And we came away saying "Lets do it again". Friends, no longer strangers. A blessing!

It is very true that it is easy to look back and long for the good things we used to enjoy and I don't think that is wrong but I really want to have a thankful heart. God has been so faithful and I know He will continue.

This and That, Here and There

I didn't go extinct, I just didn't make writing the most important thing to do. I did a lot of things since the last time I wrote a blog. I know real bloggers say you need to write often to keep your readers. I hate it that you checked back often and I didn't have anything new for you. Thanks for checking anyway. I appreciate your interest in our lives. I will give you a summary of May- July.

I travelled to PA twice, to TN once and to OH once. The one trip to PA was for a family gathering with my Mom and siblings. There are nine of us and we were all together for a day. It was rainy but we had a good time together in spite of the weather. My mother is 84 and some of my siblings have had various health conditions. We consider it a blessing to be together for a day every year and are keenly aware that Jonathan is missing and that life is fragile and we never know who will leave next.

The second trip to PA was spent at my Aunts auction. She is the Aunt that did the FL trip with Mom, Marty and I. It was so special to spend the day with cousins. Marty and my Mother were also there and my sister Nancy. I got to see a host of long ago folks that I never see or even know anymore.

My children and I did a weekend trip to TN to attend the wedding of a family friend. Jessica's family so graciously hosted us and it was a very relaxing weekend.

I also planted garden since my last post and it has grown by leaps and bounds. We had lots of rain earlier but  then several weeks of less rain had me a little worried about the garden. However the corn is forming ears and the tomatoes and beans are hanging on heavy. We ate some early corn and some critters also ate some. I am blaming the coons. We still have 2 more large patches of corn that I did not plant for any 4 legged critter. Several weeks ago a little nephew was in my garden eating the raw peas. I had just been telling him about some critters that we had seen earlier and then I went off to other things. Suddenly I heard him yelling," There's a critter in the garden"! I looked out his way and he said in a laughing voice," It's just me". Little Cody's sense of humor is awesome!

I planted a lot of corn this year but I honestly did plant less tomatoes and peppers and cucumbers. I planted corn for Randy's and Justin's too so one evening they all came over to weed it. They also all came home another evening to help with outside work. That is so very special to me and I appreciate all they do for me.

I let the chickens take care of the tater bugs again like I did last year and it worked perfect. But we have had to keep a close eye on the chickens because a hawk killed one and last week another chicken lost its life. We have seen coons, skunks and a fox around here so I suppose one of them did the killing tho' I don't know what was the point cuz he left it lay after he killed it. I didn't think that was necessary at all!

Carlin was doing some fun painting projects lately. I bought the little car at a yard sale when Randall was a lil fellow. After 22  years of abuse from 5 boys it wasn't very nice anymore. Carlin gave it a really good face lift and Mckenzie loves playing with it. I think its pretty cool that it still functions.

We also passed the 3rd Father's Day without Jonathan. It was on the weekend that we were in TN and somehow those days are not as hard if we are not at home. It must be because when we are gone we are more distracted from our own little world. I also got through another anniversary day. I do not enjoy those days, however I was blessed again by friends that remembered. I am still learning to go on with life without my best friend but I never get used to it. When my friends celebrate another anniversary I am happy with them, but it stings in my heart, when I see a happy couple in church or in town I am thrilled but there is a part of me that gets knotted, and there are many days that I want to share a happy event with Jonathan, I want him to taste some good food or I want his opinion or direction on a matter and I know it will never ever happen. And that still makes me sad! I still wish I could change that, I still wish he was here and we could get old together....but we won't. I still melt into a puddle of tears at times when we sing a song at church that brings back a memory.  I miss him when I get up in the morning, I miss him when I go to bed, I missed him when we went camping and had fun on the pontoon. I miss him when we go to church and when I go to the office of our business. I miss him when I have a leak in the sink and when the vehicle needs inspection. I miss him when Jeremy is on the auction block at a local benefit auction. I want so bad for Jonathan to feel the pride and joy of having a son follow the dream he could not accomplish. Every day is another day of accepting reality.You see I spent almost 24 years working on 2 becoming one. Now suddenly its just me, me trying to live as one after being complete with 2. Its hard going back to one becoming one! Its much harder then 2 becoming one. Its not shocking like it was at first but it still stings and bites. Every day I lean into God's grace and every day He gives what I need. I'm still amazed at His Faithfulness. I'm busy with life and I go here and there and I'm very grateful for the blessings that I get to enjoy. I am also very aware of what I had and don't have anymore. The adjustment is hard and being a widow is a constant challenge.





I've also been reading. That does not change either. The book My Ways Are Higher by Maryann Martin was so good for me. She wrote about her husbands death and her feelings in a raw honest way. I could only read it when I was alone because I would cry rivers of tears. Another book What Grieving People wish you Knew by Nancy Guthrie was also so encouraging to me. Its always a comfort to know that I am not the only person that gets confused in this journey of grief.

 I'll be back with more tales of the summer. I didn't tell you about my Ohio trip or our camping trip or what God has been teaching me about contentment and complaining. Stay Tuned!

Back To Eden

Carlin treated me with a latte and a snack

One of my favorite magazines is The Mother Earth News. I love the gardening tips, the natural remedies to conquering bugs in the garden, the reciepes for natural health care and growing herbs. I love reading about making your home energy efficient and learning about solar panels. I like reading stories about people that "live off the grid' and how they learned to live with less and still have more. I don't really know why I get fascinated with those stories because a lot of it was the way of life when I was growing up. I know that makes it sound like I am old and from the old school. I don't think I am either of those but....I grew up with gardening, Every virtous Amish women had a large garden. We hung up the laundry on the clothes line to dry in every kind of weather except rain, it won't dry in the rain you no. We canned LOTS and LOTS of fruits and pickles and meat and ketchup and pizza sauce and soups. We picked bushels of peas until our backs ached and we begged to stop. We husked 100's of ears of corn and then froze the veggies for winter eating. Green beans and tomatoes and taters and lettuce and radishes and asparagus and rhubarb all had there places in Moms garden. We hoed and tilled and pulled weeds and got hot and sweaty every single summer! Not because it was the IN thing to do, not because it was some new fad and we were "going green". It was the way of life. Now it's the cool thing to do! How neat is that. You grow up with good working values and later it becomes the thing that "COOL" people do.




I found it amusing several years ago when I saw a magazine with then, First Lady Mrs. Obama out in the White House garden. They of course were encouraging folks to grow gardens, after all Mrs. President worked in hers. At least that was the message I got. Interestingly enough she had dress boots and gloves on, neither of which I would find as proper attire to work in my garden. Actually, I do wear gloves sometimes, when I am pulling weeds.

Same with hanging up laundry to dry instead of using the dryer. Its the new rage. Save electricity, go green! Wow. Its all old faithful tips that our grandparents did because there was no other way to do it.I find it a little amusing!

Mckenzie loving the slide

 I think its sad though how that in all this "going green" rage people get a very earthy mentality. Recently "Earth Day" was celebrated. It seems to me that more honor is given to "Mother Earth" then is actually right and proper. I don't know why they want to be so earthy and not recognize God. I mean this earth could give us nothing if God hadn't first created it all. So I think it makes more sense to thank God for this beautiful earth that He gave us and do our best to be good stewards.

And I still love to garden! I think I don't have the diligent passion that I did at some seasons in my life and I think that is because Jonathan used to be fun to work with in the garden and I miss him a  lot. I know though that when I get out there and walk behind the tiller and get the feel of dirt between my toes ( I only work in the garden in my barefeet ) and up to my ankles, the passion will be back. I'll be eager to pick the first strawberries and peas and all the other goodies that a garden produces. The boys are not always as eager to eat those fresh veggies as I am. They still get more excited about fresh chocolate chip cookies then they do about rhubarb pie. They think peas are a lot of bother because you pick a bucketful and end up with a little bowl full to eat, and the peas from Food Loin are just as good. Oh well, they still help when I ask them to.

My little flock of chickens

One thing I have noticed a lot in magazines is that they praise the idea of letting chickens graze the garden. They eat bugs and they fertilize as they go. Sounds like a perfect plan until the beautiful red tomatoes are hanging on the vine! My anger was kindled more then once last year at the chickens in the garden! They did however really help me out when my potatoes were covered with potato bugs. I cut back on the chicken feed and then invited them into the garden and I put table scraps in the tater rows. Those chickens walked up and down the rows until the bugs were all eaten or else they were to scared to be seen. It worked perfect! But they loved eating tomatoes too and then I was not happy!

There is a new method of gardening that is also the "In" thing. It is called Back to Eden. You are supposed to cover the garden in the fall with bark chips and then make your rows and plant your seeds in that and not till it under. I'm fascinated at watching some folks do it but getting the chips and mulching the whole garden is about as much work as just tilling and weeding. It is fun to read about it and it seems to make sense so I hope it isvery successful for everyone that does it.

I also have an air purifier that is called "Eden Pure". There must be something about "Eden" that we want. The "Eden" before sin came. When the air was pure and the Lord came to walk and talk with Adam and Eve in the cool of the day. When working in the garden was pure delight, no weeds and sweat, just something fun to do. Sin changed it all and now we have thorns and thistles, bugs and disease that eat up our plants.

But because of Jesus and His great love and sacrifice we have the glorious hope of freedom from this earth and its toil and pain. We can look forward to that new life in Heaven!
       Get Ready.... That Day is COMING! 

The Weeping Willow

 I lived with my family in PA, in the heart of Amish country. My parents decided to move to Central PA and they did that in April of 1978, I was 7 years old. Going to a new school for the last several weeks of the term was scary but being farmers we needed to move in the spring of the year.

I don't remember very many details about the move at all except the morning we left Lancaster, all the stuff was loaded on to the truck and I ate cereal out of a cool whip container before we got into the van to make the 3 hour road trip. That same trip can be done now in just a little over 2 hours, thanks to better roads and a higher speed limit.

ready to leave starting a new life

 There is however one memory that is seared into my mind, and I don't really know when it took place except I am assuming it was sometime before the move, like maybe sometime when we went to visit the area during the time my Dad was farm shopping. It could have been 1976 but I don't really know. Jonathan's parents lived in that area. We were riding in a van and drove into their place.Being a little Amish girl it was normal to travel in a van with a "driver" taking us. We did not own a vehicle. Whenever we went anywhere that was to far for a horse we called a "driver". Amish country has plenty of semi retired folks that like to make a little money on the side, so they do it by driving the Amish when they need to go shopping or take them on trips. It was not a deprived feeling, it was simply a way of life. So we drove on to the farm where Wilmer's lived. A white barn and house with a big weeping willow tree in the yard. There was a little boy hanging on to the willows and swinging back and forth. I don't remember anything else...I'm sure my parents talked to Wilmers, maybe we even got out of the van, I don't know. I do know that ever since that day I have wanted a weeping willow tree.

I would like to make the story better and say that the little boy was Jonathan and that it was love at first sight. That part is not clear to me. He did have several more blond haired brothers but with the age he would have been its not real likely that another brother was old enough to swing on a weeping willow tree. So its very possible that it was him.

However when I first told him the story and that I wanted a weeping willow tree, I was disappointed because he did not share my love for weeping willow trees! He said they were a dirty tree and made to much yard work, needing to clean up etc. It wasn't hard for me to tell that that was settled in his mind. I did  still remind him at times that I wanted a weeping willow tree but I always got the same response. In the spring of 2013 I asked again. Don't tell my children I was such a beggar. This time I had a plan. Could we please plant it just on the other side of the fence by the garden then it would be in the meadow, the cows could lay in the shade and I could enjoy the sight of a weeping willow tree from the house and the garden and he would not ever have to clean up the mess it made?! I was DELIGHTED when he said YES! I even stopped at several greenhouses to see if they had any but it was still to early in the season .

thank God for friends and flowers

Several weeks later we were on a cancer journey and the weeping willow tree became the least of my concerns. There were many other things crowding my mind!

I think about the tree again...a lot. I don't plan to plant one on this property. I'm afraid about when it would be big enough to enjoy I would decide to move to a smaller house, so that is pointless. But I wonder...

 Somehow I think there could be a willow tree down by the Jordan River just across from the streets of Gold and Jonathan could be sitting under it enjoying the swinging beauty and yes of course,with no mess to clean up!! And that thought makes me smile.

March was a full month. It was good too with lots of interesting things! Justin and Jessica got married! That was the best thing.I missed Jonathan a lot that day but it was special knowing that his blessing was on them. There was another person missing that day. Jessica had an Aunt who passed away from cancer in 2013. She was a good friend of ours and I thought about her a lot as well. She would have loved that day and I would have loved to share it with her! However, I do not doubt that the good times in Heaven far exceed anything on this earth. Justin and Jessica are now settled into their beautiful home several miles from my house. Some friends helped me get it clean while they were gone. Thank God for friends!I am so happy to have another daughter!Her Mother and sister were here for a few days to help her get the wedding gifts washed and her kitchen set in order.

Randalls and David were in Montana for a week to attend Mary's brother's wedding. It was strange to just have Jeremy and Carlin here with me. It makes a big difference in the food and laundry when another one is gone. That is the change that is a bit difficult for me...so few people at home!

We just passed the 2 year mark of Jonathan's passing. Two years of no pain, 2 years of talking without stroke problems, 2 years of no worries, 2 years of perfect bliss...and it will never end!

our first outside campfire supper

Sometimes we folks that have lost loved ones get the feeling that other people think we need to "just get over it and get on with life". Maybe that is just our imaginations but it is something we do face.Those things hurt terribly and they cause us to build walls around ourselves. A person told me recently that she missed her husband after 14 years of being gone so much and she cried more then she had in a long time. I don't understand grief either. It seems to be a constant process and when we go through hard things during our grief we deal with the "hard thing" maybe differently then you would because we are also missing our loved one and feel an intense need to share our problem with them but we can't. Our super sensitive mind is not always beneficial to our spirit but we do want to be what God wants. Thank you for caring! I read a quote on a widows blog that I find so true.....
                                   You never get over it, It just gets different.

I think I mentioned before that my life is never boring. This week is no exception. David has 7 friends here for several days. They have been turkey hunting every morning. So far no success but they are having fun. It almost feels like I am running a boys home but at least none of them have any special needs. Keeping them fed is not hard either. They have gone out to eat a few times and one of them brought a smoked brisket that was amazing!! It is a busy and interesting week.

 At some point you have to let go of what you thought should happen, and live in what is happening.

And Then Life Happened

I'm a mom 24/7 and have been since I was 22 years old. Of course I didn't have 5 sons at age 22 but several months after I turned 33 I had our 5th son. By that time Jonathan was in his first cancer fight . We settled into the routine of life with some extra bumps and curves because of the affects the stroke left on him. Being a dad and a business owner is always hard work, but its doubly hard when you can't talk or express yourself well. It was life.

Here we are 13 years later and, the boys have grown into fine young men. Carlin the baby will be 13 years old this month, Justin is only days away from his wedding and everyone constantly is on the move, facing new challenges, dealing with issues and coping with life....its the norm.

Mckenzie winking

Years ago when I was buried in child care, changing diapers and wiping noses a friend who is about 10 years older then me and whos children were about 10 years ahead of mine, said to me," I find that I am busier now then I was when the children were little". Honestly I was shocked! And I was also sure that she did not know how to manage her time! I did not understand how in the world I could possibly get busier then I was then. But now I am here. It is true, I am not in baby care and I don't need to get up at night with babies. I do not have those unplanned interruptions and messes to clean up.I am not settling fights and reading stories and enforcing nap time. The floor does not get strewed with toys for the baby. The table is free of play dough and paper scraps and crayons that the preschooler loved. I am not going on frantic searches for the babies pacifier or going into panic mode cuz I just discovered I'm almost out of diapers. No, those things are all behind me.

And I am busier then I ever was! I get up earlier on a regular basis then I ever did in my life. Its a result of choices that I made. I have obligations to get done, deadlines to meet, schedules to keep, and grown sons to keep happy. I have lots of shirts to iron. They think I iron to much but I don't want them to look like they don't have a mom! They can devour cookies and milk like a bunch of cookie monsters. Food gets consumed and the laundry pile grows at alarming speed!

Enjoying breakfast that the guys cooked

 I had a text message on my phone on Sat morning. It said , "Kevin and I want the kitchen in the morning". I was amazed. You see Kevin is Justins good friend and was visiting last weekend.They are both getting married and both of their girlfriends were in the area. The guys made breakfast in my kitchen. They made sausage and pancakes and scrambled eggs. They set the table pretty and dressed up all fancy and told the girls to be here at 10;30. It was really neat. I stayed out of the kitchen until they were almost finished eating then I ate the leftovers. I offered to clean up the mess too because they wanted to go do some work at Justins house. Life is interesting.

 On Valentines Day I woke up with a knot in my stomach. I wished I could just skip the day. So instead I worked like crazy. New carpet was put in Davids bedroom and I needed to clean the windows and hang new curtains and get the furniture back in place. He had been at Bible School for 6weeks and was coming home that evening.I had a lot of work to do. A friend and a sister-in-law stopped in with some chocolate for me. The boys showed up with a big bouquet of flowers. Mary and Mckenzie brought me flowers and chocolate. I'm a blessed person. David arrived home and his room was ready for him.

Jeremy just had his 18th birthday. This was the year for his golden birthday. Months ago he said that he was going to go snow boarding that day, all day! Well, he didn't. Instead he worked at Justin's house like a nice brother should. And at the end of the day he said,"Birthdays are kinda just another day". And I thought he must have grown up!

Jeremy and his cookie monster cake

Carlin is loving school. He did a research report on Health. I will be posting some of it on a later date ....I was so pleased that his teacher gave him the suggestion on health and we learned more about the evils of high fructose corn syrup which is found in many foods that are on the shelf at the grocery store. They invited the parents to school to listen to the reports and dressed up for the occasion.

Carlin reading his health report at school

The flue knocked me down last week just like it did a bunch more people. It was very bad timing because I wanted to paint at Justins house. The painting got done without me thanks to other ladies that were helping and Jessica's long days of hard work. Justin was pushing the paint roller for 12 hours one day. They got a lot done in several days!

 I stay busy and occupied all the time. Life goes on and we adjust to the changes. God is faithful all the time.

We are at the 3 year mark of the surgery that Jonathan had to remove his tumor in his upper leg behind his stomach. We were in Mexico. In the hospital the night before I was terribly afraid and felt so alone. My children were coming the next morning. Jonathan was half with it because of being on heavy pain meds. It was only God that kept me together. And it is still Him that keeps me together!

And my sweet grandbaby had her first birthday. It is truly amazing how fast this year has gone! She is a very busy lil girl and gets lots of attention from all of us. She can wink when we ask her too and gives high 5's. Life with a lil girl around is so interesting!

First birthday

Changes are a part of life. I get to choose how I deal with the changes. Honestly even the good things that  I am happy about are still hard to be ok with because changes stretch me to a new normal. But if I resist the changes I won't be happy and the changes will still happen, so I may as well accept changes and be happy. I'm glad my boys did not stay babies forever, I'm glad they grow up and move on in life, I'm glad they are happy and serving God...but when they leave home my Mother heart feels a little sad. I once heard a minister say " The two best gifts we can give our children are Roots and Wings". They tell me that I still need to work on the Wings.

The cakes were both made by Gina Stoltzfus. She has amazing talent in the cake department!

                           

My Friend Rose

Three weeks of Heavenly Bliss...three weeks of no pain...three weeks of perfect living...three weeks of life with Jesus. And the three weeks will go on and on and on. There are no nights, there is no time, its all eternal. I can't even imagine.

My friend Rose crossed the River into Glory after a battle with cancer. She was a hero in the fight, she did not complain and she LOVED to laugh. It was so easy to laugh with her...she bubbled and laughed loud and often.

Rose was at the same clinic for cancer treatments that we were with Jonathan. I did not see her during her very worst times of sickness in 2013 but we did spend lots of time in the chemo room together. I always figured the other people must have thought we were a crazy bunch of people, we 6, Lynn and Bernice, Owen and Rose and Jonathan and I, telling funny stories and laughing while the 3 sick ones were taking chemo. We sat together and cared about each other, sharing food to help the nauseousness and talked about all kinds of things. But we laughed a lot! Rose and Lynn made that happen.

When Rose was having issues with her teeth because of radiation affects and needed to have them worked on, I was amazed at her ability to take chemo in the morning then sit on the dentist chair in the afternoon. And I dreaded the dentist chair with a strong body. Her attitude was...Why not? it has to be done so I might as well get it done, I'll make it!I NEVER EVER heard her complain. The only thing I can remember her being down about was leaving the children behind when she went to Mexico for treatments. Her Mother heart did not want to leave her children. When her chemo played tricks on her and kept her from sleeping she did not lay in bed feeling sorry for herself, instead she would find something to do or read and she would tell us about it like it was perfectly normal to be sitting on the couch reading in the middle of the night!

We 3 couples took a taxi to a restraunt one night for supper. You have to understand that things are done differently in Mexico then they are here. The taxi cabs were mini vans and there were 6 of us so naturally we thought we would fill up one taxi or at least almost. Low and behold the taxi that stopped for us already had 3 people in it. I hesitated to follow the rest in because in my opinion it was full but the driver waited and urged me in. We squished ourselves into that van on our husbands laps and totally laughed ourselves silly! I am quite certain the other people had reasons to believe we were a bit crazy. What they did not know is that 3 of this group had been through the stress of chemo that day and with tight nerves and emotions we were prone to laughter or tears at any time. In this case it was laughter with tears. I tried to take a picture but even that did not come out right because we were to tight together. Those are memories that still make me smile!

Rose lived her life with purpose and joy. She gave of herself and did what she could in spite of sores on her feet and on her hands and in her mouth. She loved life and her family. I only knew Rose since 2013 but she stirred in me the desire to be optimistic and make the best out of every situation. Her life was very inspiring!

 I wonder what she laughs about in Heaven...I wonder many things.

I went to TX for her funeral. Funerals have a way of bringing all the grief right back at me but there is no way that I could miss going. It was very important to me. And its always good to meet the  friends who have walked this cancer journey with us. And life continues......

I have been very busy with many things. I have in the past dreaded winter....long dark evenings...and just that cold depressed feeling. This year however I have been very busy and the winter has not been long and boring yet! I have been to TX, PA and TN in the past 2 weeks. So it is really hard to get the projects done that  I need to do. I have been painting and need to do some more in the next several days and then I will be helping with painting at Justin and Jessica's house after they have closing next Friday. That wedding is coming up really fast! At least for me it is. Opinions could vary depending whom you asked!

One month of the new year is already gone. I don't think I made any new years resolutions. I just have some goals that are a continuation of the past several years. One of them is to deal with STUFF that does no good around here. I am constantly amazed at the stuff that I have stored over the years and as I get older and expect to some day live in a smaller house I know I will not want to keep storing it. The problem is that it has no value to anyone, not even to me other then just being sentimental and I am realizing I must be worse at that then I knew I was. Being sentimental is a sort of bondage that I hate. I dream of attics that are mostly empty, of drawers that are holding only the things I want them to hold, of closets that mirror the pictures on Pintrest showing perfect order....a place for everything and everything in its place. I read books on how to declutter but when I try the technic with a box for goodwill, a box for the trash and a box to give away....well! there is still reasons to keep the stuff and I end up rearranging my stuff. Puzzles and games and toys of long ago hold memories and the grandchildren might have fun with them....never mind the truth that the stuff is old and not very attractive to any little people. Someone said once that its a good idea to be a little mad when you are working at deep cleaning, it helps you throw out more stuff. Hmmm....I wonder? Another reason I don't even like to work on such things is because I find to many memories and then I stop and look at pictures for a long time and then I get sad and depressed and well, its not very profitable. So, of course I would rather paint my laundry room and give it a fresh happy look. I'd rather make fried pies and be really busy with many things and let the attic alone. I'd rather work hard and get really tired then have a perfect house and organized closets and then feel empty and sad. So my work is simply a progression, slowly but surely, little by little. I took a pair of shoes out of my closet that I had for several years and only wore a few times. They were so uncomfortable! I felt so accomplished when picked them up and said to myself," They've got to go". And they went.

I wonder if God is doing that with me. Little by little He prunes my branches. I need to trust Him more so He sends a storm that rocks my boat and forces me to cry out to Him, He wants to sharpen my forgiveness to others so he allows someone to ruffle my feathers and I get a lesson in forgiveness. Maybe I need to have my faith strengthened and He sends me a message of hope at just the right moment. I'm so grateful for a patient God who works on me slowly but surely, who understands my failures and weaknesses and does not give up on me in despair. I love that He knows my heart and my deepest longings. I love that He is my best Friend!

I think about Heaven a lot because Jonathan is there, because Bernice and Rose are there. We all fought the same battles and cried the same tears, ours fears were real. Their work is done, their missions accomplished and their victory is eternal. No pain, no tears no disappointments. I can't even imagine!

Are you a work in progress? Someday your work will be done, allow God to do His work in your life. It will be worth it all!