A New Year

Dec.31 2014

 Have you ever wondered why its cause for celebration when a new year comes around. I mean, whats so great about writing 2016 instead of 2015? Are we celebrating that we are still here at the end of another year or are we so excited about the beginning of a fresh new year? The sun sets and rises just like it did before and yet its big party night for some people.

 Once again, at the start of a new year my mind goes a hundred directions and I wonder and ponder over many events. Last year Jonathan was still here and I still clung to the hope that maybe we would find a cure for this monster that invaded our lives. This year that hope is totally gone. This year I am no longer pouring over health books, and doing Google searches on an endless list of cancer questions, nor am I trying to find creative ways to cook healthy food, neither am I scrubbing a mountain of carrots or washing kale and spinach to send through the juicer, and the counter is not cluttered with veggie scraps and juicer parts and the table is not littered with books and papers. I still do some of those things but at a much lesser degree.

 Its so hard to believe that we have passed the 9 month mark of his passing. I will admit I entered this new year with a lot of mixed emotions. I'm glad I didn't know a year ago what was ahead of me and I'm just as glad this year that I don't know what's ahead of me now. I consider it God's kind grace that shields us from knowing the future. I'm so grateful for the grace he gives us along the way, just when I need it. There are new mountains in my path, decisions that need to be made, courses that need to be charted, and adventures that need to be explored. In fact I believe that is not only true in my life but in yours as well. Its the unknown future that makes it scary. How is God going to take care of this mountain?....and then I remember He took the other mountain and made it a little hill that we climbed together, those decisions that have long lasting results?... He has a really good record of giving wisdom to those that ask....and all those other things?... He has promised "to perfect the things that concern me". Do I have reason to worry or fear? The problem is, I want to trust Him, I want His wisdom, and I know He keeps His promises....but I fumble around in my doubt and worry even as I reach to grasp His Hands. Its like my heart knows that He is Able but my head keeps spinning with questions.

 Time keeps right on going, day and night, summer and winter. Time is that little dash between our birth and our death. You and I will not see the last date, its the one written on your memorial card and on your tombstone but that little dash is now. We dash around in life doing our thing and when we are gone those behind us will remember us by how we lived. They will remember your kind words or your harsh ones, they will remember your kindness and what was important to you. How do you want to be remembered? How are you living that little dash?

 Christmas was very relaxed...just like we wanted it! Christmas Eve we exchanged gifts and stayed up late. Christmas morning we slept late, then we ate cinnamon rolls and yogurt parfaits, had devotions and talked about memories of Jonathan and had discussions that only a house of boys would have. I guess I don't really know about that last statement because I never had girls. Anyway, games  food and relaxing made up the day and it went by to fast!

 New Years week was full and fun. My sister Barbie and her family from PA were in the area for the week and a niece and her family were also in the area for several days. It was fun spending time and money with them. We went to Gatlinburg TN one day, and dear me ,there were  to many people for me to feel relaxed! Why is it that after several days of vacation one needs to rest up!

 On Friday eve we decided to have frog more stew for supper. We had done it on New Years Eve several times before Jonathan was sick and our guests always enjoyed it. I thought it would be fun to do with Bob's but my boys had youth activities Thursday eve so we did it Friday night. I think its not that the food is so stunning, its more the way we eat it, that makes it fun. No plate or utensils and it is all dumped down the center of the table. We had a discussion on why the strange name of Frogmore Stew. Goggle had the answer....it was first done in a town in SC named Frogmore. Low Country Boil is another name for the concoction. Recipes also vary a great deal but I think the fun and fellowship are most important.

Jeremy went off to auctioneer school in MO. His uncle Nate went with him and they will be gone all week. He is the son that wants to take on the dream that his Father had at being an auctioneer. I miss him around home and the house seems to quiet at times.

 My boys would love more winter...especially snow. They were delighted that the slopes were open this week and they were able to go boarding. I can't help but be glad when they are home again all bones in place. Jeremy did hurt his knee and had to sit for awhile and did not work the next day. He said his knee hurt, his groin hurt and his ribs hurt in fact it hurt so much to breath that he thought about quitting! I think we are safe to believe there was a generous amount of exaggeration in the statement! But he thought it might have been a good idea to stay off his knee for 10 days. I suppose his knee will get some rest while his mouth gets a good work out!

 Yes, the new year is here. Are you excited? I'm not big on new year resolutions but one thing I really want to accomplish this year is read the Bible through from cover to cover. I bought a One Year Bible several years ago but I never was very faithful with the plan. This year I really want to stick with it. I'm ashamed to admit that I have never yet done that.

 My life picture looks very different then it did last year and sometimes I am overwhelmed by the constant sadness that is my daily companion. I desire to choose joy but neither can I simply pretend that I am blissfully happy.Sunday continues to be the hardest day of the week. Going to church and everyone else is a complete family reminds me of my loss, being with friends and sitting around the table to eat and everyone else sits with their spouse, causes some very self conscience moments, going shopping and Valentines Day is coming up, feels like a dart in my heart. The reality of my changes are everywhere. We have crossed many milestones without him, we have made good memories and had fun without him. Every new venture is another bend in the road of grief, and as days turn into weeks and weeks into months we know that the raw sharp edges of pain will ease, however it is true that at very unexpected times something hard shows up and the pain is as open and raw as ever. This is the journey of grief. I know that if I sink into my pillow and sob my eyes out, I know I will stop again, when there is only darkness around, I know that there will be light at the end of the tunnel again, it always has been.

 I Know That He Will Give Grace Just When I Need It In This New Year