Kindness Through His Hands, Feet and Voice

So many people have touched our lives again in the past 2 weeks. You see July 6th was supposed to be our 24th wedding anniversary. It was a bitter sweet kind of day. We were backyard camping with the Zook family. Everyone was there except Jonathan. His brothers and families from Kenya Africa and Oaklahoma were able to join us this year too. Monday morning we sat together and remembered our wedding. I even went back home and changed into a white dress after some coaxing from a sister. We sang songs that Jonathan had chosen at some of the latest gatherings we had attended. We laughed and we cried together. Later in the day we filled 50 or more balloons with helium and tied a note on to each one that had his name and my address on and then we stood together and let them go. There was a strong wind from the west and those balloons took off into the eastern sky and were out of sight in no time . It was beautiful!! Flowers and gift cards blessed us once again from family and friends. Thank-You, thank-you.

 Tony set off a Chinese lantern into the night sky several times and that was really neat too. Little 5 year old Cody was watching it disappear into the sky and suddenly he said," We are sending you something Jonathan, its a surprise". I thought that was so cute and special coming from a little guy and we were not even talking about Jonathan, he just said it all on his own thinking.
 The children had a lot of fun with every kind of glow sticks that you can buy. It was dark and they were running around the yard twirling the lights and making designs. Suddenly they were calling me to come to them up on the bank. I was so impressed with their creativity. In the yard they had put lots of glow sticks together and had written Jonathan. It was soo sweet and it all felt like kindness. I am so blessed with love and support.
 And then we traveled to PA to attend a wedding of my niece. It was another "first". not the kind of thing that is a whole lot of fun but then again I really did want to be with my family. The wedding was beautiful and the couple was so happy so it really was a happy day. Its just that on all these occasions I am keenly aware of my loss.But in spite of it all it was great being with family and friends again.
 I'm also constantly aware of how much  I miss him. When we travel I am not so good at directions to go here and there, he always just got us there and I did not worry about HOW to get there. Also when we are among a lot of people I see faces and I think they look familiar but can't quite figure out who it is...well he knew everybody and his brother( enlarged to show texture) and I miss not being able to ask him who those faces are. I miss him when I heard some interesting bits of news and I want to tell him or I wonder what he would say about this and that. I miss him to run errands for me in town. It seems I constantly have a lot of things to do because I can't ask him to pick up a few things when he goes to Lowes or Tractor Supply. I miss him when the copier doesn't print out nice lables and no one else knows how to fix it, or when the filter needs to be changed on the water purifier. I miss him when the microwave quits and I don't know if I should get it checked out or thrown out, and when the ceiling fan light malfunctions.
 I even miss the things he did that were irritating at the moment.I liked loud music, he did not. I could be in the house all by myself with the music turned up loud, and the first thing he did when he came in was turn it down!! And he didn't even care if I glared at him!! He would say with a grin on his face, " I can't even hear myself think". Now I can have all the loud music I want, but I would rather have a debate, at least that puts some spark into the day!
 I am so thankful for my children and family that surrounds me but they are not him! It was comforting to be able to be angry at something and spill it all out to him and know that he won't think evil of me, to have him wrap his arms around me and say, "Oh honey, its gonna be all right". That was his favorite line of words when I was uptight. I miss that like crazy!!
 Every day I hate being a widow and every night I hate the dark alone. A thunder storm at night has never been fun for me but at least he would get up and listen to the weather and look out the windows. His presence was a comfort that I miss. Every day I remind God that He promised to take care of the widow and fatherless and I'm depending on Him to keep that promise. Every day I feel God's care in the sun and the rain, in the kindness of those around me and I know I am blessed. Kindness has a new meaning, it does not have to be a gift or an action. It feels like kindness when I am asked the hard question of "How are you" and it even feels like kindness when they say " I won't ask you how you are doing because that is hard to answer". Yes both feel like kindness because I know you care. It feels like kindness when a friend says, " Some days I want to call you but I don't know what to say", and it feels like kindness when a friend calls to remind me she is still praying. Kindness has been shown to me in so many ways and I really want to pass it on.

My great friend Marty

Reading Books

Reading has been a favorite pastime of mine since...well I don't know when, at least as long as I can remember. As a young girl it was a problem when I was supposed to be working. I had no self control when there was a new book in the house, it simply had to be read!!As a teenager growing up on a farm it was my job to wash the cows during milking. Well I got this brilliant idea that I could sit on the express wagon and read inbetween washing cows. I only tried that one evening and then my dad was tired of that! I would get engrossed in my book and then I did not get the cows washed by the time the milker was ready for that cow.I think he probably did not like his boring milking partner either. My dad was a very social person. And I think I probably know how he felt because I don't like  when my boys get buried in there phones and only nod at me when I speak to them. But I loved to read. I read true stories, indian stories, slavery stories, Anabaptist stories,and just anything that Mom would buy.And I still never had enough book. Whenever I would fuss about, Nothing to Read, My Dad would ask" Don't you have a Bible"?Well of course I had a Bible.
 When I got married and had children I got interested in baby books. And marriage books became my new favorite.You know books on how to have a happy marriage as well as child training books and mothering sons.And my collection kept growing! I bought books at book stores, thrift stores, goodwills, mail orders etc.
 Jonathan also enjoyed reading before he had the stroke and it was not unusual if we both read after the children were in bed. After his stroke comprehension was a problem so reading was not very much fun for him, in fact it was hard work. But he still left me get all the books I ever wanted. I didn't tho'. One year when we were at the marriage seminar( by the way, we loved going to those seminars) I was looking at the books on display.I was shocked to discover that I barely had any of those marriage books and I tho't I had a lot of books. I told hon about it and he got his funny look on his face and said" Well you need to get them".Of course he was going to  urge me to get those books, afterall they taught me how to be a better wife.

Alvin and Wanda Zook with us in Mexico May 2014
 

 Time and change took place in our home and my books changed too. I was attracted to books that encouraged mother and son relationships, books that taught flexability and stability. When cancer entered our home I read books about health, nutrition, herbs, home remedies,etc. Google also became a good source of info and I poured over it day and night. But it is true, google, and any kind of electronic device will never take the place of a book. Who wants to cozy up in a blanket with a gadget to read? Not me...I need to feel a book, turn its pages and hold it in my hands. I need the smell of paper and hear the rustle of the pages. I can even take a book to bed and let it speak to me. Yes books are my comfort, but my taste has changed again.
 Now I am reading books written by widows, books that teach me how to grieve, books that walk me through this hard valley, books that tell me my feelings are normal.These books I did not want!! I did not want to need these books. Marriage books are much more fun!!
 I will spend more on books then I will on sweaters or other clothes that normal women buy. But just think about it... how many sweaters can speak to your heart, how many dresses last for generations and can be shared and passed around to others. Yes, I love books, they make me feel rich even when I'm not, they look great on the bookshelf, and they are always ready and waiting to be picked up and looked at.

Taking a stroll in Mexico April 2014
 

 My dad did not enjoy reading, it was hard for him to read. That was back before the day of dyslexia but likely that was his problem. However he read his Bible every day. I can still see him on his recliner and slowly reading out loud. I'm so happy that I have that memory of him.
 Books will take us places we may never get to go in person. Books will  inspire you to become a better person , books will give you more sermons then you can ever hear in a lifetime. I can learn from others mistakes, I can gain wisdom from there trial and error, and I can decide to take advice on issues I am not experienced in. The written page and ability to read is a gift, a real gift that not everyone is blessed with.
 Rain is abundant and rainbows are frequent. We have felt God's Touch on us through the many rainbows. He never fails HIs Promise and a rainbow is that gentle reminder that he has not forgotten us.