The Blessing Of Missing

Christmas of 2016 is now history. What did it mean to you? Are you exhausted with all the activities you were involved in? Are you making a new resolution to loose weight because you packed on some pounds with all the extra sweets and party food? Does it mean end of the year cleaning and getting the house back in order because all the guests left it a mess? I don't know what your thoughts are on Christmas but I guess I'll give you mine...just because.

Reflecting on the past and remembering seems to be something I have done for a long time. In fact, since the winter of 2003 when Jonathan had cancer the first time and then a stroke the holidays have always carried a certain degree of painful memories. Even tho' we have had many happy Christmas times and probably even more special then average because of the blessing of "being together" after a very stormy winter, there was still that "remembering" that took your breath, or made you cringe, or brought a cloud of sadness. That Christmas when we could not take part in any gatherings because he had an impaired immune system from taking chemo and keeping him free from all flues and viruses was the main concern. Remembering his determination to go to church and listen to the boys Christmas program then going to the vehicle promptly afterwards because he was to sick to enjoy the food. The nauseousness, extreme fatigue, loss of hair, and still his determination to be as normal as possible. The hours and miles to the hospital and back every 3 weeks and the 17 day stay after the stroke. Learning my way around the hospital like the back of my hand.


Christmas brunch

 

He always had nurses that would become his favorites and he was a constant clown even on the recliner in the chemo room. One day when the stuff was dripping into his vein he wanted  a nurse that was clear across the room. Since it was inconvenient to move that arm he started waving his foot. The nurse was very amused and he often got compliments of being fun to care for. For a long time I could not eat the peanut butter crackers that are wrapped in individual packets because they had those in the chemo room and I always got this chemo smell when I saw those crackers.


Thanksgiving dinner with my most important people

I don't know why, but, his worst sick times always were in the winter. After his cancer returned in the Spring of 2013 and he did a fairly well recovery his bad times came back in the winter of 2013 and 2014. And so the reliving, the remembering is in the winter.

This year I have been focusing on the Grace that God sends me, the grace that makes it possible for me to function, the grace that I experience because of brokenness to  The Fathers Plan. I am awed at the humility of The Savior who left All the Glories of Heaven so I could have a life and a hope. He was broken to His Father's Plan so He could extend Grace to all of mankind. Can you imagine life without His Grace? I can't and really I don't want to but it is up to me to accept His Grace. I need to embrace His Plan so His Grace can be poured on me. When I say "Yes Lord" He pours out that Grace.When I am empty and alone and I reach out my hand, His Arm of Grace is there to pick me up.When the cares of life burden me down, His strength is the Grace that picks me up. When its to hard to think on my own, His thoughts are the grace that fill me. Grace is the air I breath, and the energy I have. Its all Grace, its all God, its all about Him! I love God's Grace! I love the endless amount, I love that He sends it to me even when I don't deserve it. For all the times I have doubted Him, for all the times I have disappointed Him, for all the times I resented His Plan, and for all the times I have pulled back from embracing His direction....HE STILL SENDS ME GRACE! What an amazing Father!

And so I wonder....do I extend grace to my fellow man or do I give up on them when I am hurt or when they disappoint me? Do I seek to love as Jesus loves me? Do I lift them when they fall down and offer my hand of Grace? Jesus gave so much...what is my gift to others?

Me and my new Christmas chair...now I can be a real grandma

The blessing of Grace helps me to embrace the blessing of missing. Christmas is not the same, Thanksgiving is hard and actually the day to day reality of winter is at times a stress of its own. Life is forever changed since Jonathan is gone, but there is still GRACE. And because we miss him and it hurts is really a blessing because it means that our life with him was a good o

ne and we miss that! But we will continue to depend on Grace and know that God will see us through.

The boys were involved in programs again this year. Carlin was in the school Christmas program and the other boys were in the youth program. I LOVED the songs, and the messages. There is something about songs that I love! Music speaks to me like nothing else and I find my spirit very affected with music. Jonathan always really loved music too and I loved to imagine that during the presentation he was looking down from Heaven and motioning to the angels to look to as he exclaimed," Those are my boys, just listen". I know my imagination is crazy sometimes, but its also comforting!

                                                  HAPPY NEW YEAR!