The Blessing Of Missing

Christmas of 2016 is now history. What did it mean to you? Are you exhausted with all the activities you were involved in? Are you making a new resolution to loose weight because you packed on some pounds with all the extra sweets and party food? Does it mean end of the year cleaning and getting the house back in order because all the guests left it a mess? I don't know what your thoughts are on Christmas but I guess I'll give you mine...just because.

Reflecting on the past and remembering seems to be something I have done for a long time. In fact, since the winter of 2003 when Jonathan had cancer the first time and then a stroke the holidays have always carried a certain degree of painful memories. Even tho' we have had many happy Christmas times and probably even more special then average because of the blessing of "being together" after a very stormy winter, there was still that "remembering" that took your breath, or made you cringe, or brought a cloud of sadness. That Christmas when we could not take part in any gatherings because he had an impaired immune system from taking chemo and keeping him free from all flues and viruses was the main concern. Remembering his determination to go to church and listen to the boys Christmas program then going to the vehicle promptly afterwards because he was to sick to enjoy the food. The nauseousness, extreme fatigue, loss of hair, and still his determination to be as normal as possible. The hours and miles to the hospital and back every 3 weeks and the 17 day stay after the stroke. Learning my way around the hospital like the back of my hand.


Christmas brunch

 

He always had nurses that would become his favorites and he was a constant clown even on the recliner in the chemo room. One day when the stuff was dripping into his vein he wanted  a nurse that was clear across the room. Since it was inconvenient to move that arm he started waving his foot. The nurse was very amused and he often got compliments of being fun to care for. For a long time I could not eat the peanut butter crackers that are wrapped in individual packets because they had those in the chemo room and I always got this chemo smell when I saw those crackers.


Thanksgiving dinner with my most important people

I don't know why, but, his worst sick times always were in the winter. After his cancer returned in the Spring of 2013 and he did a fairly well recovery his bad times came back in the winter of 2013 and 2014. And so the reliving, the remembering is in the winter.

This year I have been focusing on the Grace that God sends me, the grace that makes it possible for me to function, the grace that I experience because of brokenness to  The Fathers Plan. I am awed at the humility of The Savior who left All the Glories of Heaven so I could have a life and a hope. He was broken to His Father's Plan so He could extend Grace to all of mankind. Can you imagine life without His Grace? I can't and really I don't want to but it is up to me to accept His Grace. I need to embrace His Plan so His Grace can be poured on me. When I say "Yes Lord" He pours out that Grace.When I am empty and alone and I reach out my hand, His Arm of Grace is there to pick me up.When the cares of life burden me down, His strength is the Grace that picks me up. When its to hard to think on my own, His thoughts are the grace that fill me. Grace is the air I breath, and the energy I have. Its all Grace, its all God, its all about Him! I love God's Grace! I love the endless amount, I love that He sends it to me even when I don't deserve it. For all the times I have doubted Him, for all the times I have disappointed Him, for all the times I resented His Plan, and for all the times I have pulled back from embracing His direction....HE STILL SENDS ME GRACE! What an amazing Father!

And so I wonder....do I extend grace to my fellow man or do I give up on them when I am hurt or when they disappoint me? Do I seek to love as Jesus loves me? Do I lift them when they fall down and offer my hand of Grace? Jesus gave so much...what is my gift to others?

Me and my new Christmas chair...now I can be a real grandma

The blessing of Grace helps me to embrace the blessing of missing. Christmas is not the same, Thanksgiving is hard and actually the day to day reality of winter is at times a stress of its own. Life is forever changed since Jonathan is gone, but there is still GRACE. And because we miss him and it hurts is really a blessing because it means that our life with him was a good o

ne and we miss that! But we will continue to depend on Grace and know that God will see us through.

The boys were involved in programs again this year. Carlin was in the school Christmas program and the other boys were in the youth program. I LOVED the songs, and the messages. There is something about songs that I love! Music speaks to me like nothing else and I find my spirit very affected with music. Jonathan always really loved music too and I loved to imagine that during the presentation he was looking down from Heaven and motioning to the angels to look to as he exclaimed," Those are my boys, just listen". I know my imagination is crazy sometimes, but its also comforting!

                                                  HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Grandma's Flashbacks

This to shall pass.....They will grow up before you know it....Enjoy your babies, they are so precious!I  went down memory lane recently. I had Mckenzie for several hours and so many things came back to me. I can't believe that I am already a Grandma!!

It does not seem like long ago at all when I was the mama and my boys were the babies. When teething and sleeping all night and potty training were big mountains to conquer....when teaching them to play nicely and not grab toys or hit a friend was a serious enough problem to consider before planning if I really wanted to go to the sewing or not. To all my nieces and other young mamas out there THERE IS HOPE. THEY WILL GROW UP. And 10 years or 20 is not as long as you think it is, but, well its still 10 years. I remember discussing mothering frustrations and Irene would say in her quiet motherly voice and serene smile, "This to shall pass". I wanted to roll my eyes at her. Honest! When life is full of messy diapers and babies tugging on my skirt it SEEMS like forever until they will be 20! But she should know because she had 11. And then when Rosy and I were exasperated and tired of repeated trainings Mary King would say, "It's the 99th time that counts". Sigh, do I really have to repeat this 59 more times?

I had a son that took a walk down the road one morning and a total stranger brought him too my house. I was HORRIFIED! Only bad mamas would be so negligent! I was also extremely thankful to God that the person brought him back! I shudder to think what could have happened! He wanted to go everywhere...I would be working in the garden and bent over picking beans or pulling weeds and the next moment I looked around he had disappeared. I spent so much time looking for him because he never wanted to stay close by. I wished with all my heart that he would be content in my prescence. Another son came a long and he had his own set of greviances. He didn't like it outside and would need a snack or a drink or ANYTHING to make me go to the house. He didn't like the tiller or the mower or the sweeper or bugs or flies or spiders!

I thought that one of my sons was surely going to go to school in diapers, but guess what. Just because it took much longer to get the potty training done then I thought it should doesn't mean that my fears became reality.....he was diaper free several years before school! And they get there own drinks at night and don't need a hundred million things after they are in bed. I well remember the little voice from his bed saying "I want a drink" or " I have to go potty" or "Fix my blanket".

There was a time when wiping snotty noses and washing finger printed windows and tying shoes and picking up toys was the norm. I had to race around the kitchen trying to get the floor swept with the broom because a crawling baby was sure to think the dirt pile looked like fun to play in. Or folded laundry needed to be put out of reach right away or it did not stay folded. In fact that particular thing is what brought these things to mind. I was folding laundry sitting on the floor lately and Mckenzie came crawling over the piles and they needed to be folded again! Afterwards I put it into the laundry basket ready to take upstairs but she stood up by the basket and reached her pretty little hands in there and delighted in picking it out and throwing it on the floor.

Those nights of deep sleep being woke up by little feet running fast to the bathroom and then hearing that peculiar sick noise and knowing there is a mess to clean up. And several hours later another one cries from his bed and I ran into the bedroom only to be greeted by that terrible sick stench. How on earth did 2 of them manage to come down with the stomach bug on the same night. And to top it off  Daddy says his gut hurts too. After living with Jonathan several years I realized it was normal for him to feel sick with whatever illness would plague the boys!! I decided he was good at sharing the afflictions they had. The next day while doing laundry and scrubbing sick areas I tried despertly to remember the JOYS OF MOTHERHOOD.

I remember picking up a crying baby at night time and being so tired I was afraid I would drop him.It was exhausting being a mom on duty 24/7. And then to snuggle on the chair for his feeding and he would look at me in the quiet softly lit room and give me the most precious big smile. Awe yes! This is the life for me. To be loved and needed and trusted, and the warm circles would swirl around my heart! I also remember making night time feedings a time of prayer. I would decide who I was going to pray for that night and it was amazing how fast the baby would go back to sleep and I would not be so exasperated and grouchy. Its hard to be grouchy when you are praying!

My 4 oldest boys all got the chicken pox within 5 days. Randall and Justin were starting to get better when David and Jeremy broke out. Jeremy was only 4 month old and he was loaded! It was terrible! My niece came over to help me. Remember Karen? I had made a tent in the basement for Randall and Justin to play in like little Indians because it was way to miserable to wear a lot of clothes. Karen sat in the living room and held David while I took care of Jeremy and I would put them in the bath tub often to relieve their misery. They did get well again and Jeremy has a few scars to tell the tale or maybe its David, I'm not sure anymore. It was a long time ago!

I also walked into the bathroom one day and found a powder bottle empty on the floor, and a guilty son. The floor was slippery and the second boy slipped and fell and was crying his eyes out. I don't know if the day had been bad before that but I was very frustrated and felt like a failure.

Honest, my heart goes out to mamas with fussy babies. I notice when mamas look pale and tired. I admire them when they are able to hold a fussy baby and get a drink at the faucet for the toddler and tell the older child to stay out of the cookie jar ....and she can do it with a normal voice! Young mamas have sharp brains...they remember to load the diaper bag with diapers, wipes, baby food, pacifiers, Tylenol and several changes of clothes and a snack for the toddler. Yes motherhood is so busy and so rewarding! Those hugs and smiles and "You are the best mom" and a hundred other sweet things make all the mundane things so worth it! Being a mom is so much fun and I would do it all over again. There was nothing in the world that I wished to do instead! And now ......now it is already history....just memories. Amazing .....it went by so fast! I guess Irene was right.

Randall is married already 3 years and Justin is getting married in March. Mckenzie is 9 month old and trying to walk.

 If you feel buried to your neck in mothering, if you are so tired your bones ache and you wish for a fleeting thought that you could run away for just a little while....take courage. The time is shorter then you think.
                  TIME FLIES BUT MEMORIES LAST FOREVER

For Such A Time As This

 God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Do you like everything that is going on in your life? Are you ok with your surroundings, your world and your daily happenings? Or do you ever feel like me and really wish that you could do something to make life just a little more pleasant, a little less stressful and a lot more peaceful?

There are  days when I hear another bit of bad news and I feel sick of bad news! I can't handle one more email that details the cancer of another friend. I'm tired of hearing about chemo and sickness and mouth sores and fatigue and hair loss and loss of appetite and hospital stays and bad days. I wish the news would not be full of the election stress and corruption. The suffering around our world is incredible and it is very disheartening! The devastation caused by hurricane Matthew is just unreal! Is there anything that I can do to make a difference for anyone?

I thought about Esther the orphan girl. Her cousin begged her to plead to the king for her people who were doomed to death. I can only imagine her hesitance. She was scared, it could mean death to go to the King uninvited. She was only one voice. Could it possibly make a difference in this impossible situation? However, she prayed, God's people prayed and fasted and her people were saved! She was in the kingdom for that specific time.

 Are you in your spot for a specific reason? Do you feel forgotten or overlooked, like maybe God is not watching at the moment? Do you feel like there is so much bad news, so much evil that things are hopelessly hopeless?It is a really bad idea to dwell on the bad news and focus on the evil! Esther could have done that too. She could have locked herself inside her house and prayed and hoped it would change. She did so much more then that! She took action! She did something! It is true, I can't even begin to heal all the hurts, to feed the hungry or give shelter to the homeless. I can't save the refugees or takeaway the pain of the suffering. But I can pray and I can touch the hurting around me. Our modern technology leaves no reason for excuse to contact someone by text or phone or email etc.We can send hope to the weary in many different ways. Is your voice sending hope and giving courage or is it easier to add to the gloom? Are you doing what God meant for you to be doing in this time that you are living? Did God place you in your specific spot for a reason? You must believe that He did! You did not just happen, you were not overlooked, you have a purpose and God has a Plan!We also must believe that God is working even when He seems silent. There are many things in life that we do not understand. Unless I believe that God is Perfect and He has our best in mind, unless I believe that He sees the whole picture and is in total control, then all the hardships will seem unfair and hopeless and cruel. I have to BELIEVE and TRUST and BE ASSURED that God is in TOTAL CONTROL even when it does not make sense.

October is Jonathan's birthday month. I was in the garden that day picking all the leftover peppers and remembering his love for hot peppers. For some reason he loved to test and see how hot he could take stuff. Once he bit into a jalopeno pepper in the garden. It was pretty hot! Another time he threatened to bite into a habanero and he asked me if I thought it would be very hot. Well, I don't get a lot of pleasure from burning my mouth so of course I told him it was very hot and I also added that I would not feel sorry for him if it was terrible. He didn't try it.My friend Rosy made a super hot relish that he loved even tho his nose would run and his eyes would water. The boys used to tell him that they thought the stroke must have messed up his sense of taste. Shortly after we got married he used to buy a hot pickled mix from the grocery store. I decided to put my own concoction together  and he loved it. I have canned HOT MIX ever since. It was a mixture of cauliflower, carrots cucumbers and then some hot peppers. I used Mrs. Wages Kosher Dill pickle mix for the brine and then I canned it . We have eaten 100's of quarts of hot mix over the years.

I have many memories that come flooding back to me on quiet days. I love memories! Memories make me smile but they also make me feel sad because a memory is remembering the past. It is gone!So a day of memories can be filled with bitter sweet feelings. Sweet because the memory was special, but bitter in knowing that there will be no more. But really in all honesty, the memories are so sweet that those days are only slightly painful.

                  I NEED COURAGE AND WISDOM AND ACCEPTANCE
     

Summer Blessings

Sometimes life gets really busy and writing is neglected, sometimes life is messy and its to hard to sort through everything to even try to write anything at all, and sometimes life just simply is meant to be lived without being written. My silence was a combination of all the above.

We loved a family vacation from August 4th - 7th. We rented a vacation house in the beautiful hills of  NC, way up in the mountains, it was steep enough to spin going up the last gravel road and their may have been a gasp that escaped through my lips. It was beautiful! Quiet, awesome view, plenty of space and O so relaxing!We took Marty with us and Jessica arrived a day later. For the first time ever we had the same number of males and females. I loved having all my favorite ladies with me! A day
on the lake was fun, the guys were wakeboarding and we also were tubing and enjoying the pontoon. The weather was perfect and the day was just great! We spent some time in Cherokee and watched the Unto These Hills Drama. Very interesting!. Sunday afternoon and departure time came way to quickly. It was one of those little getaways that you wish could go on and on. Sitting on the back deck with a beautiful view of the mountains was so refreshing to me. I would wake up in the morning and think about the beauty of the deck so I would get up and quietly move to the kitchen and put the coffee on. I took a stack of books and arranged my rocking chair to get the best view of the morning sun and lifting fog. I silently crept back into the house and poured that cup of coffee and then I drank the delicious brew and talked with God and watched the mountains wake up. A hummingbird fluttered around and a butterfly danced in the morning sun. No interruptions, nobody driving in my driveway, no noisy train that roars by our home. It was almost Heavenly and it felt Divine. None of us were ready to come home, but we did anyway.

Mary and I were busy canning again and the garden did well so that was a blessing! I am realizing tho that it would make sense to downsize my garden because I planted more then I could use and that makes me feel wasteful. Corn is never hard to get rid of so next year I will plant more corn and less tomatoes and peppers and zucchini and....But, when planting time comes I might have other ideas. Its to hard to tell right now. Its true that in the fall I am really and truly sick of gardening but when spring comes back again I can hardly wait to get those seeds in the dirt. By January I will be searching seed catalogs and dreaming of beautiful veggies and weed free gardens and I will do the cycle all over again and totally forget that "no weeds" has never been more then a wild dream and big ideas!

Its hard to believe that Fall is here again! Almost a year and 6 month in this journey of widowhood. I look around me and the world keeps moving like nothing ever happened. However for us, and anyone else that dealt with major loss, life is changed forever! We feel it with the seasons that come and go, we remember how it used to be , we miss his smile on our accomplishments. Its always there, the "feeling" of missing, of loss and emptiness. But to dwell on our loss will not benefit us a bit, and we move on. Constantly looking ahead, visions of new accomplishments,smoother sailing ,and  the  continued graces of God on each moment of our lives.

salsa ready for jars

We've had a few uninvited guests that were making themselves quite at home with us. Our first intruders were bees. This old brick house seems to be very attractive to some of God's wild creatures and we are less then willing to share. They somehow got in above the kitchen and I could here them going about there daily work. The steady hum was not music to my ears, in fact it was very annoying. I was afraid that whatever they were doing would bring them through the ceiling and I would find myself in the middle of a beehive/beenest. That did not seem like a good idea at all! The boys tried bee spray. They would get as close as they dared to the entrance hole and then spray until the angry bees came flying out after them. The race was always fun to watch but the bees always chased them away without much if any harm done to the bees in the house. Finally we got the local exterminator to check it out. He dressed like he was going to the moon then climbed a ladder and sprayed. He didn't get stung although he said he thought about doing a good dance and putting on a show since we were all watching him anyway! The bees are gone but I have a soft spot on my ceiling that has a tint of black. I guess they were getting something done up there!

Our next fight was with the bats. A year ago we paid good money to have the attic de-batted. It worked....they just looked for other crevices to hang on to. And in the process they found a way to get in our living quarters, not the attic. There are few things less disturbing then waking up to a bat flying around in your bedroom( ask David) or going to the bathroom during the night and sharing the hallway with a bat (ask Carlin) or coming home from church in the evening and a bat swoops through the hallway. Carlin came darting into my room one night,"Mom, theres a bat upstairs"!He closed the door and slept on a sleeping bag and I texted the boys and told them to keep their doors shut cuz there's a bat in the hall. Sigh! My peace was seriously disturbed. One evening during family devotions I had several volunteers to keep their eyes open while we prayed in case the bat shows up. It didn't. Not then, just a little while later. Well, before that, the boys went upstairs to go to bed and I checked to make sure the hall doors were closed. I heard whisperings from the upstairs hall. I silently waited and suddenly they started yelling and banging and jumping. After a little bit they were quite and I said in a very calm manner" Was that fake?" They said "Yes". I chuckled. Several minutes later I heard a horiffic thud and yelling coming from the bathroom just after the shower turned off. It did not sound fake at all. The other boys went to investigate, I only listened and laughed from the bottom of the stairs. They were laughing non stop as the story was told! He ( they do not like when I tell stories about them for the world to see so I won't tell you his name) just finished his shower and reached out for a towel when a bat went whizzing by. He swung that towel and knocked it down then jumped on it, hence the thud that I heard. He used a different towel to dry himself! The next day I bought some spray foam and Jeremy went to work filling a few possible entrance routes. It worked, they haven't visited since.

she is a dear

And now, of all things the chipmunks moved in, well not in, but under the deck and they make nasty holes in the mulch and scamper around....at least they are cute but that's all. I have no idea how to invite them to go to the neighbors. You've heard the statement," This place is going to the dogs". Well I think ours is going to the critters. Skunks, oppossums, coons and rabbits all like to wander around on our few acres. I think a dog would help but the only dog the boys want is a house dog and then he'd be so pampered he'd likely wag his tail at the critters. And I don't want a house dog. I think the dog I really want is only a dream. He has to mind his manners, he may not pull laundry off the wash line, he may not chase chickens, he may not run to the neighbors, he may not take off with my shoes when I leave them at the door, he may not dig holes in the landscape and he may not tear trash bags. He may bark when a car comes in the driveway, he may curl up on the deck, he may welcome me home with a smile and a nice wag of his tail, and he can take walks with me. But I guess they don't come like that so the chances of me owning a dog are slim. Maybe I'll figure out a way....sometime.

Summer has gone by much to quickly. Its my favorite season and I'm not ready for it to end. God has been very real in the hard times, He has spoken in that quiet assurance of peace, He has comforted in the dark sleepless nights and He has allowed me to go through deep valleys to get a better view of his faithfulness. What is God doing for you? Are you allowing Him to do His work, to grow your faith and give you peace? Life is a journey, walk with God.

For Better or For Worse

In health and in sickness, for rich or for poor, for better or for wor
se, till my death I will stand by you.

July 6th 1991

On that great and glorious day when you said your vows to the one that you loved with all your heart, the one that you saw as your perfect companion, and the one that would share all the joys and sorrows of your life with you, did you think about the parting? Of course you did not! At least not enough to dim the joy of the moment. Life looked so good, so full and rich and promising. You know the saying," We don't got much but we got LOVE and that's all we need." I love you so much I could live anywhere as long as I'm with you. Ah, those words are so sweet! I remember in our dating that we talked about the pain of parting.....is the loving worth it if we have to go through the pain of parting? We chose to go on with the loving and take the risk of a painful parting. Many more young lovers are taking the risk of parting. Statistics are not pretty on the subject of death. Every year 800,000 people are widowed and 700,000 of them are women who lost their husbands. Choosing to love is a high risk indeed but let me assure you it is well worth the risk!

It is true that on our wedding day we do not fret about the parting date and we should not either. It is a day of joy and I have always loved going to weddings and seeing the happy couple. And no, I am not one of these people that will say that I feel sorry for the newlyweds, that  the adjustments and newness is hard and its good when the first year is past.NO! I would never say that and I never think that either. The wedding day is an adventure filled with heart pounding anticipation and I think the young lovers have so much to look forward to. Of course it gets better as you understand each others quirks and see the side of them that was mostly hidden before and you live with them longer. At least its supposed to get better and I'm truly sorry if your experience is otherwise. Of course there are differences and issues to work through. Two different people will not see eye to eye automatically, that's what communication is for. I don't mean talking either. I mean talking and LISTENING, feeling the pain or the joy and sharing it, I mean being connected by the same airwaves, and understanding and supporting and standing up for each other, never saying a negative word about the other to anyone EVER, being so in tune that being together in silence is comforting. Don't you just love to see the loving sparkle in a older couples eyes as they talk to each other. I do! I love seeing excited young lovers but I love even more to see older couples that just love to be together!

Why am I on this subject? Because on Wed, July 6th is supposed to be our 25th wedding anniversary. Its the day that many couples do special things. Its a celebration and very special! For many years I asked God to please give us at least 25 years. He didn't. We didn't make it quite to 24. We've been robbed of our Golden Years together and that makes me sad. I was not ready for this adjustment of aloneness, I still had dreams to live with him for many years, things to accomplish, and this title of widow is just not a part of my dreams but I have lived the title now for 15 months and it  is becoming the norm with a lot of curves and bumps. I'm still dealing with the reality of shattered dreams the stark awareness that life is forever changed and the full assurance of the Faithfulness of God.

Marty spent a great week with us

I have also come to believe that a good marriage is never long enough even if it was 50 years. My Mother's sadness was just as deep as mine even tho' they had 50 years. The time for parting is never right, we are never ready for that. We cannot control that, but we can control how we live those years together. It's up to us how we respond to life and how we relate to our spouse, that power is yours. And so, let me encourage you to live each day with the joy of togetherness, don't ever take each other for granted and do the things that actually matter. Love deeply, make good memories, let every day be the day to show your spouse why you chose him. Some day you to will get that title of "Widow".Being able to look back with warm memories and remembering the love we shared is truly the best way to cope with the pain of parting.

How are you dealing with your disappointments? Is God showing himself strong in your life? Are you trusting His plan when it is different then yours? Do you believe that He knows what He is doing? Are you living with your spouse and sharing the deep love that you always wanted? It really is possible to Keep your vows...in health and in sickness for better or for worse till death do us part.

                                                                                       For rich or for poor under skies grey and
                                                                                        blue, till your death God has helped us
                                                                                        through....Thank you Jesus!!

Father's Day Again

summer 2013

I found it very hard to believe that we did the 2nd Father's Day without Jonathan. I remember last years way to vividly, like it was just last month. Our trip to PA and the vehicle I had just bought broke down. Our stay at Marty's house and then coming home with her car. I remember the fear and the questions to God....what does this mean? What are you trying to teach me? and lots more. I don't know that I really got any answers, some things in life just don't make any sense.

And now we passed that day again.....it was a hard day. It was fine too,but I just wanted to get it over, passed, behind me. I get tired of remembering, wishing life was still what it used to be, and its not and never will be.Grief is crazy like that....some days memories make me smile, other days they make me cry and wish it was more then a memory and I wish I didn't need to remember, I wish the memory wouldn't hurt and then I realize its the reality that hurts, the realization that the past is gone and I won't get to live that life again. And life goes on.


my 5 guys

my lil sweetie

I do want to celebrate the men in my life tho' and I deeply regret that the pictures I meant to take at our recent family gatherings, I forgot to take them. My Dad passed away in Jan 2003. He was a man that loved God, his wife and his children, in that order. My parents enjoyed 50 years together and I don't know that they ever got bored with each other. They worked hard when they were young and in their older years when Dad's health was declining they continued to do everything together that they could. The love and kindness to each other that they showed was such a blessing to our family and my siblings have said many times that we want a marriage just like mom and dad had. I remember advice from dad I remember compliments and I remember being instructed. I remember the interest he took in my friends and how he enjoyed when the youth group came to our house. I remember seeing and hearing him read the Bible and I remember his prayers at family devotions. When my dad died it was the hardest thing that I had ever faced! I wonder what his discussions are like in Heaven with Jonathan.

I have 4 brothers that are very important to me, but none of them live around me. My brothers are all older then I am and I look up to them as men of wisdom and men of God. They have been my prayer warriors and strong supporters in the past several years and I am very thankful for my 4 brothers!

My father- in-law and 4 brothers-in-law are also very important to me! They have surrounded me with love and care and support in the past and still do. I am truly blessed to have them in my life! They are also scattered around the globe and only one brother lives in this community.

And last but not least are my 5 sons! They are the biggest blessings any mother could have! I love their kindness and thoughtfulness, their willingness to help me with gardening and yard work and dishes and many things that would just take me forever to do by myself. My sons do not let me get bored. They are constantly on the move and try to pull me into the adventures. Living in a houseful of male figures is sometimes a bit stretching especially when I'm the only one with a women's view point in a discussion. I am also still learning that it is better to take life with a not so dramatic approach, like maybe just go with the flow and not get " all in a wad".....as they tell me. I'm trying hard to learn from them and still teach them the things that are important to women....listen, help, care and be sensitive. They don't have any sisters to practice on so I try to give them plenty of opportunities to practice their gentleman skills. I hope that they stay with me for a long time!!

Several weeks ago when I was at the Widows Retreat I met many people and heard many sad stories. There was a lot of grief at that place all weekend. I was in a discussion with another widow and I mentioned that Jonathan was a person that loved people and the days of the viewing and burial I constantly felt like I wanted to tell him about all the people. He would have loved being in that group of people and seeing all his friends. She had the same feelings and then she said that she was amazed at all the nice things people said about her husband. She said," It would have been so encouraging to him if he would have known the things he was appreciated for." I have been pondering that statement ever since. Why do you suppose we are slow at compliments and quick to criticize? Why do we wait to mention a persons good deeds until they are gone? What is wrong with us? What if that encouraging comment would get that friend out of despair? What if they just need to hear you say, "Wow, you are really good at that." I really like your positive outlook in life or your smile makes my day brighter, or you handle your children so kindly, or your talent in music or sending cards is amazing. I don't think an honest compliment will swell his head, I think its more that we just are not good at expressing appreciation. Will you join me in being a person that encourages others. Lets give them the roses while they live!

they call me mom

Justin and Jessica

We are staying busy. We enjoyed both family gatherings this month and I'm glad they are done now. Gardening is keeping me very busy with the awesome rains and sunny days but that is another story for another blog. Justin is a very happy young man since Jessica became part of his life and he is off to TN this weekend again. I don't know how much I may write about him but lets just say that this friendship was brewing for a long time and Jonathan and I even talked about them together. It would be so much fun to share this joy with him but it is very special knowing that his approval is on it.

And I can't end this blog without bragging like a grandma. Mckenzie is growing and being a sweet lil miss. We all love her smiles and baby talk. She is never lacking attention when she comes to this house. Over the years people have told me that the girls would come eventually....well, I'm thrilled about the 3 that have entered my life!

So my life continues much like yours. There are hard things to face and joys to give us another boost. We are not alone and we will continue to walk with The Father who never leaves us.











I Lost It, God's Got It

Here we are, June 1st is only several hours away, I have no idea what happened to the month of April or May. It seems I was busy, I travelled to a few places and then I turned around and blinked a few times and the months were gone.

 Life has been a blurr of activities....the one year mark of Jonathan's passing, the death of  a friends baby, a sister-in- laws surgery to remove a painful cyst on her overy, spending a weekend at a widows seminar and making decisions for our business.

 Isn't it amazing how God shows Himself even in the midst of our disappointments and struggles. Many times when I feel totally out of control, when I am at the end of the rope, when I see no way to take the next step, when I can only BELIEVE that he has a PLAN and Purpose, when I lay it before the GREAT MASTER PLANNER, then He shows me His Power and His ability to take care of it all. Recently I was having a day when I was discouraged, worried, and just could not see the next steps for my journey. I was at Wal-mart and I was having a hard time concentrating on my purchases...I guess I was not doing a very good job of trusting God. Just as I got to the end of an aisle a lady wearing a purple shirt came around the corner just in time for me to read the words on her shirt "God's Got That". I was so shocked by those words, they were just exactly what I needed at that moment! I wanted to scream, hug her, or cry but I didn't do any. I kept on walking like a good little Mennonite that doesn't cause scenes at Wal-Mart. But my heart felt so much lighter...all those worries and stresses were now God's....He's got them.. I just needed to leave them with Him! I was truely touched by God that day at Wal-Mart and I have felt so blessed by His kindness.

There are many things I want to write in the near future but tonight I simply wanted you to know that I am still alive and well. God's got me covered, I'm trusting Him and life goes on.

This Season Called Spring

For many years Springtime has been my favorite season. The grass turning green, the red tulips, purple crocuses, and yellow daffadils add brilliant color to a drab world that is waking up from a long dark and cold winter. Blossoming pear trees and a beautiful array of color from bright pinks to deep purples and sunny yellows on the great variety of trees and shrubs is truly an awesome picture!The birds sing there morning praises early in the morning, neighbors go on brisk walks with dogs tugging at the leach, while the horses and cattle graze contentedly in the pasture and the rooster wakes up everyone that still has sleep in his eyes. The flies move in drunk like fashion still trying to warm up from hibernation and the bees are out and about checking the landscape and its not good for their future if they find a way into my bedroom!

 Seeds are put into soil and
watched with care as I water them and carefully monitor the temperature in my little green house. Daily prayers and watering as I watch the weather forecast in hopes that my work will be successful.

March 22, 2015

playing checkers with Carlin March 4th 2015

 This spring is very different then the past several have been. In fact I have never had a spring like this before. In 2013 we spent 3 weeks in Mexico for the surgery and then several more weeks throughout the year. In 2014 we were back there again for 9weeks for another surgery. In 2015 we were home and I could not wait for warm weather to get Jonathan out into the sun. I started seeds early in hopes of getting fresh food into his body....but it was not to be. Instead of the warm spring sunshine he moved to the Land where Jesus is the Light that shines, instead of fresh garden goodies he got a New Body that does not get hungry. We did spring and summer and fall and winter without him and now it is springtime again. How can it possibly be springtime again? I see all the beauty of the season, I hear the birds early in the morning, and as much as I love the sun and the warmth and dirt under my nails and the smell of mulch in the landscape it is not the same! The part of " joy shared" is keenly missed! That season is past!

I have more quiet times of working by myself that allows for lots of thinking. I have looked at old pictures of bygone years when he was smiling with his sons and the pain and reality of knowing that there will be know more pictures with him making memories with his sons has hit me like a rock. That season is forever gone. I was at Goodwill and browsing through my favorite section, books as you may have guessed, and I saw a book on marriage. That was my very favorite subject of books to buy and on impulse I picked it up.As I turned it over to read the back cover page I was suddenly aware of what I had just done and the pit of my stomach felt terrible! I quickly dropped the book and went elsewhere. That season of my life is over too.

March 23 2015

 Jonathan went to meet his Lord last year on Easter morning and it seemed then like it was the right day to Get to Glory. However now, Easter is not always on the same day of the year and it has made the "remembering" very prolonged! Its hard to sit in church on Easter morning and joyfully sing the beautiful resurrection songs when one is so keenly remembering the Easter morning when death stole the one that was the dearest to me. And now as we are in the count down to April 5th there are many many memories to live through. ONE thing that really helps to ease the hurt is to know that he is Pain Free and Living with His Lord. It hurts just a little bit to think that he does not wish to come back to us, but I know that is just one of my earthly thoughts.

              I wonder what Springtime in Heaven Is Like?
   
 

 

Change....Good or Bad?

We've all heard it, " Why change when what we have is working." Why not be content with it cuz it works." If only we could go back to the good old days.
 My grandmother Stoltzfus was born in 1899. That's a long time ago folks! I don't remember my grandmother, she died when I was 3 years old. I wonder what she would say about all the change in this world in the last 100 years. Think with me.....
 the outhouse....I enjoy my own bathroom just next to my bedroom
pumping water and heating it to get it hot.....mine comes hot or cold from the faucet
an icehouse ....I have a freezer that produces ice for me at any time plus keeps all my meats frozen
once a week bath.....Oh how I love a refreshing shower after a day of hot and sweaty work
 Grandmother sweated over a hot cooking fire to make meals whether the weather was hot or cold, she carried wood to the kitchen and not just to the fireplace where the flames and heat are mostly for the warmth of added comfort in a house that has central heat. Grandma didn't know about microwaves and dishwashers and clothes washers and dryers and electric lights and phones and thermal pane windows and wall to wall carpet. Her house was hot in the summer and hard work to keep warm in the winter. It was back when the neighbors all looked out for each other and men harvested the crops and butchered cows and hogs on cold winter days. Women died in childbirth and pneumonia ended life much to quickly. That and much more took place "in the good old days".
 What if no one would have said we can do more, make more, get creative and be daring. What if the Wright brothers would have given up flying on the first failure because the whole town laughed and said the idea was crazy! Who could have imagined on that day in 1903 at the first flight that one day aircraft would stay in the air for many hours and fly at neckbreaking speeds across 1000s of miles. Grandma could never have imagined doing laundry, washing dishes and sleeping all at the same time. Convenience allows me to sleep while my dishwasher washes dishes and my washer hums away scrubbing the laundry. I'm very grateful that I don't need to do all the things Grandma did. I like these changes!

But that is not all that changed! I'm shocked at the many new changes in just the last decade. Words... yes words. Technology has brought with it a whole new set of vocabulary and my head spins as I try to understand them all. IPhone, ipad, ipod, smart phone. We upload and down load. The floppy disk and hard drive and thumbdrive, all have a place somewhere, but believe me, I don't know where. And I'm still confused as to whether I order stuff off-line or on-line. Facebook and facetime, instagram, vox, Skype, snapchat, blogs, google plus and more keep communication flowing even across the ocean!
 Can you imagine the day when you could eavesdrop on your neighbors conversation on the phone, thanks to the party line. And now teenagers think that there phone is there own personal space! You NEED a phone for sure by the time you have a drivers license! Isn't it truly amazing how it all has changed?

 I married into a family that likes to be connected. We have vox chat groups and email family groups where sisters like to inform us how much canning they got done that day or that daughter baked bread for the first time. Grandma tells us where they are going and that dad mowed lawn for the first time this spring. I show pictures of my sweet grandbaby for the family to ooo and awe over. They face time Matts surprise 40th birthday party so Tony can see it from Africa. Our children can't even imagine taking pictures with a film camera and then having to develop them before you can see them. We took them to a store and dropped the little black thing into an envelope and you filled out the correct spaces. Glossy or matte? 12, 24, or 36 exposure?. And then you went back 5 days later to pick up the pictures. And what a bummer when half the pictures didn't "turn out" very good! Now we use Mpix or picmonkey or snapfish or mixbook or.....? All from the convenience of our home!

Malachi 3:6  For I am the Lord, I change not. We live in a changing world but God has not changed even a little bit. The promises He made 2000 years ago are as valid now as they were then. We can Trust Him ALWAYS ! That's ALWAYS! Who else can you trust ALWAYS? He will never ever change and that gives me security like nothing else can!

 I'm glad some things changed in the past 100 years, I really do like some of the conveniences. Other changes I think are not necessary, some are stupid and then there are some that are a bit scary. Obviously Change will happen, whether I like it or not. Change is inevitable and to resist change is not always wise.
  One reason people resist change is because they focus on what they have to give up instead of what they have to gain.
 I need constant wisdom from God to know how to accept and embrace change. Many, many things have changed in my life in the past year. Most of them and maybe all of them I don't like! I don't see any gain but I keenly feel the loss! I'm still struggling in that area. The days of widowhood have progressed from days to weeks to months and almost a year. The sadness of remembering the pain and stress of  a year ago have a way of sweeping over me. The pain comes back with force that takes my breath and sends streams of tears down my cheeks. Remembering is not very pleasant, but burying the feeling is harmful to the soul and so we cry the tears that need to be cried and then we hold on to God and His Amazing Grace and we Know that we can accept this change and go on with life.

If nothing ever changed there'd be no butterflies.

New Status

Mckenzie Dawn arrived on Feb. 12, 2016 and she gave me a new status! I am now a grandmother! How is it possible to go from mother to grandmother in 23 years? Honestly, it is truly amazing that I am old enough for that title. You know I used to think that Grandmothers were those old ladies that walked with a certain little stoop, they had grey hair, their teeth rattled if they laughed to much, and they had pockets that held fun little treats, like smarties or lollipops, and they read stories with a lap full of little people.

perfectly sweet

This grandma does not have all of the above characteristics. Its true, my hair does have strands of silver lining and my eyes are not seeing so clearly anymore, and my memory is a bit short,but I would like to say that I do not feel like an old lady grandma. I was however quite disturbed this week when I realized I could not see the time on my phone at night time when I didn't have my glasses on! Something is getting worse! Jonathan has for years already told me that I should sew pockets on my dresses so I could better keep track of my phone. I never listened and continued to have to go on frantic phone search sprees. Well, I'm thinking that now that I'm a grandma I really should have pockets so I can carry fun things with me too. And then I wonder what I might carry in my pockets. I am convinced that it is stupid to get little people hooked on sweets and junk food, so whats my options? Raisens, blueberries, and carrot sticks....hmmm? I hope your not feeling sorry for her. She has plenty of uncles that will want to feed her ice cream and chips and smarties and lollipops, and cookies and fruit loops and, and......?? I sure hope we can be balanced in all things. Several years ago I found a pill that was supposed to help memory loss and I got a bottle of them but they didn't help at all because I always forgot to take them!! Its bad when its that bad!This week Jeremy read a quote and thought it fit me. " Why is it that when I want something I can't find it, but when I don't need it, its there."

I had so much fun caring for mama and baby this week! They all moved into my house for several days since Randall works here at the shop and Mary wasn't real keen on staying by herself. It was easier for me to have them here then I could wait on them hand and foot without leaving my house. So it was all good. Justin and David are in Africa right now so this house would have been much to quiet and empty. It was perfect to have Randall's here this week. I got to snuggle and cuddle this baby all week and I was on night duty several nights. That is when I discovered that my eyesight is going downhill! The other Grandparents from Montana arrived Thursday night so she has plenty of help at her house. Her sister will be staying for several weeks. Mckenzie is the sweetest little girl you ever did see! she weighed 7lb and 14oz. I sure forgot how tiny newborns are but it has been so much fun.
I was amused several years ago during the Christmas season when I got some family photos and letters from friends and the ladies were bragging on their grandchildren and I thought it was rather a funny thing to do! I reckon I will be joining the Bragging Grandma Club!

Carlin proud to be holding his niece

And yes, as I mentioned earlier, Justin and David are in Africa to visit Uncle Tony and family and friends.They had been planning this trip for months already and several folks tried to persuade me to go to. I was so happy that I could say that I am not going anywhere in Feb. cuz I can't be on the other side of the world when my grandbaby is born. Also, I still don't like to fly and those long flights give me nightmares just thinking about them. Of course I had my concerns about my sons going....safe flights, animal safety while visiting the Mara, snakes, traffic safety etc. etc. Like normal the boys thought I was being a pessimist and had all kinds of stupid fears so I figured it was better to talk to God about it all then voice my thoughts to them. It so came to pass that while they were visiting the Mara they got charged by a very angry elephant. He was running toward them swinging his trunk and flapping his ears and making angry noises and they tried to hurry away with the vehicle but then another vehicle got stuck in its efforts to get away and they had to help them get unstuck. They all were quite scared and Justin said he thinks it was the" Prayers from those they love that saved them." Jamie and Ayla, Tony's 2 children will forever be scared of elephants.When Justin voxed and told me they were leaving the Mara I was grateful that they did not get stomped or torn apart by any wild beasts. They saw lots of animals and loved it there but they are also loving it back in civilization with Waynes and Tonys. I will love having them back home again and I can't wait to hear their stories!

My daily work load does shrink a good bit having 2 boys missing. Laundry and cooking and grocery shopping is all seriously affected with 2 less. And the house is just a little to quiet. Yes those 2 that are gone do seem to think that the 2 youngest make the most noise around here but for some reason it got quieter, boring and quite frankly a little depressing. We are all so glad that they are coming home this week! I'm not at all convinced that the feeling is mutual but if they have anything to say they can leave a comment.

I had been dreading the month of February but its almost over and I survived. I like to think that God was looking out for me and brought the baby here 2 weeks early to help the time of missing the boys go a little faster and keep me occupied with fun things.I think it was pretty special of Him to do that for me. Don't you?

Feb 2014 a few days before the surgery

Another cancer friend joined Jonathan in Heaven a week ago. I wonder what they talk about when they meet each other. Do they discuss the cancer fights and pain or is the former life all passed away? I guess we will have to wait and see.

We are keenly aware of the missing Grandpa. He would be the happiest man on earth! But we know that his happiness now can't be compared to any earthly happiness. But we still miss him!

 

A Hard Month

I can't come up with a good title. It could be

Reflections.......but that is to general

Memories.........don't like that either

Unfair........... that's just life

Tired.........Well who isn't

I hate strokes.......not a good title

Actually , any of the above could be the title of this post, and ever since this morning these thoughts have been gripping me and I knew that they needed to be written.

I think I have written before about Jonathan's stroke, at least I did on the caring bridge site that I used to keep. And Feb. is the anniversary month of that life changing, dream shattering event. It was Feb. 1st 2004. Jonathan had just finished his 3rd week of horrible chemo. Nauseous, terrible taste in his mouth, no appetite, no hair, swollen face( which should have been a reason to be concerned) . The oncologist was aware but even he did not understand the warning. Jonathan had also had a morning when he was so weak on his right side that he could not lift his glass to his face with his right hand when he wanted a drink, again the Dr. was alerted but...he had no explanation. The day was Sunday, he had a headache most of the day. At 7 in the evening 2 of my siblings from PA were stopping in with there spouses for a short overnight visit. I prepared a light supper, ham n cheese sandwiches and veggies and dip. They arrived and were barely in the house 5 minutes, and had not even seen him yet when I heard a thud on the bathroom floor. I rushed to check, the door was locked but I got it open with my hairpin and from there, the nightmare began.

 He was sweating profusely and he tried to talk but could only stammer, the ambulance came, we went to the hospital. The church had been having services but when they were notified they dismissed after praying. Many came to the hospital and quietly came up beside me and hugged me and assured me of prayers.I was silent, dumbfounded and having contractions. My sister rubbed my back as we waited for the Dr. to figure out what to do next. They didn't know what to do, service was rotten and they were sending us to Roanoke where his oncologist was. In the meantime he started to sweat  again and after that he could not make any sound. I was in a complete blissfully ignorant daze and extremely tired and I went to sleep on a waiting room couch while my sister sat by his bed all night. I remember thinking that surely tomorrow they can give him something and he would be ok again. O the bliss of ignorance!

 That tomorrow never came! He stayed there for 17 days. Monday they did CT scans and all types of tests. I was alone with him when the Dr. came in to tell me that it was a stroke and even then I was blank. I had no clue what that meant. Sure I knew that old people had strokes but surely this meant something else. He was to young, we still had a life to live, really, it simply did not sink into my head what was happening! On Wed. evening I was going to come home for overnight for the first time but then the Dr. came in to tell us they were going to start Heprin which is a blood thinner and anything could happen. He was at constant risk of having more strokes but starting Heprin was risky because if they gave it to heavy it could make the clot move and  instantly kill him. A nurse told me she would not leave if she were me. My children had come up with friends and it was so hard to kneel in front of them and pull them in my arms and tell them that I cannot go home tonight with them. It was Wed. night, prayer meeting in many churches and the word was spread and people prayed.

Because he lived through all that they had to figure out what to do with him. Therapy was next. They moved him to another floor I think that weekend. Speech, physchical and occupational therapy was his routine morning and afternoon. He excelled quickly in everything except speech. The stroke had left the hardest affects on his speech.

Let me back up just a little. I came home Thursday evening, exhausted, weary and worried. I clearly remember getting into bed and curling up and sobbing my eyes out to the One who knew all about it. I had a long chat with God that night. I reminded him that I have 4 sons and another one soon to be born. I told him that all boys need there daddy and I do not understand what He is trying to do or trying to teach me. I did tell him that I am going to hold him at His Word and since He promised to take care of his children that I was going to believe that and trust that He would do it. I went to sleep and slept until morning. I think it was after midnight by then and I had had 4 nights at the hospital so I was very tired.

Family and friends took me the hour to the hospital every day, my vehicle got filled with gas, the children were put to school and babysitters, laundry was done, and everything kept going. I concentrated on him and my unborn baby and chatted with my children when they came to the hospital and in the evening. I rarely went to bed before midnight and the next morning I was on the road again shortly after 8. It was clearly strength from The Father!

Two weeks of intense therapy brought his strength and abilities back quickly but speech was the BIG problem. We came home on Feb. 17th. I was so excited about going home! I was sick of hospital life, I wanted normal family life more then anything else in the world! O the bliss of ignorance! On the way home I got this horrible scared feeling. Now I was his primary care taker, what if anything happens? I got into bed with him that night but I was scared, horribly scared! I listened to his breathing, I rehearsed the what if's, I tried to get my 8 month pregnant body comfortable without disturbing him. The night was terrible.

On March 15th Carlin was born and what a joyful day it was. We had asked a friend to be my coach during the birth since Jonathan did not think he was able to be the support he had always been during the other births. Everything went well and we were able to come home from the hospital the very next day. Family showed up to drive us home because he was still not driving.

And life began in a new way. Speech therapy every day, Dr visits to check his blood 3 times a week and we also did excersizes to develop his brain that took 30 minutes a day. If I was writing a book there would be many more details but since I am not I will skip those.

The things I really wanted to write are the brain trauma of a stroke victim. Actually its not only stroke victims that suffer from brain trauma. An accident that includes a lot of bleeding on the brain or an anyurism can cause serious brain trauma. Injuries to the brain are very difficult for the victim. The rest of us can't see any hurt parts unless of course the victim is in a wheelchair or other forms of handicap, but in this case he looked perfectly normal. Jonathan lost his speech and that was the worst thing that could have happened to him, at least in his mind. He would have rather been stuck in a wheel chair then not be able to talk! If you can't understand that go ahead and tape your mouth shut for a day and see how you like it. You NEED to talk, you NEED to be understood, and you just NEED to be able to be heard. In his case he knew what he wanted to say but the connection to his mouth was messed up and he COULD NOT say the words. Sometimes he would make motions like he just wanted to pull out his tongue. Frustration was high at times! Comprehension was his other bigger struggle, and everything that was to be done looked big and impossible, even little things like cooking eggs for breakfast. I had been told by the therapists that I may not do everything for him, that I need to give him instructions and expect him to get it done. Now imagine this...he looks like a man because he is a man, he is my husband and he has 5 little boys. We sit at the table to eat and it takes so much concentration to get food on his own plate that he totally forgets about the 5 year old beside him. It would be easy to simply fill all the plates myself but I need to HELP him heal. I needed to remind him to cut the meat or fix the jelly bread etc..He  would very willingly do anything but he could not see the need without being told. One time I was frying eggs for breakfast and I put them in the skillet then I walked away( on purpose) and I called out to him to finish the eggs. When I came back to the kitchen a minute later he had the flipper in his hand but he had no idea what to do next. I gave him step by step instructions. You have to understand that cooking eggs was something he always knew how to do, it was not a new task!!

There is another problem. I'm his wife, and I am not used to telling him what to do. I had a terrible struggle finding the balance in submission, encouraging him, urging him to try new things and keeping it all in balance. Communication is my love language. I can connect with people that talk with me. Conversation is a sure key to love and friendship. Now I needed to give love to my husband that could not talk. I could ask him questions but I also had to give answer options. One sided conversations are terrible. I was forced to talk to God more even tho' those conversations seemed one sided at times also. That first year was hard, beyond hard!

A stroke victim feels trapped inside his own body that simply will not follow instructions! The books told me that he would never be the same, that I could expect anger and depression. Stroke books give very gloomy pictures. The truth is that many times if not MOST times the person is mean and angers easily. I remember crying out to God and telling Him that I married Jonathan because I loved the person he was and I begged God to bring back the man I married.

Speech therapy continued in our home 5 days a week. A therapist came for 30 minutes every day until the end of July. She was a wonderful lady and continues to be a friend. Jonathan loved her. She understood him like few people did and he was comfortable with her. I was amazed at his ability in sensing when someone was comfortable with him.He could tell when a person talked with him just like a normal person but he could also tell when folks didn't know what to say and kinda wanted to move on. He sensed kindness when the person patiently waited while he tried to stammer out his words and he did not enjoy having anyone finish his sentence or interrupt him.

 Brain trauma makes the victim extremely tired. In crowds he would feel like he was in a fog and he could not focus on anything. Evenings he would say his brain is so tired. His security was horrible. He would stay right beside me when we were at weddings or anywhere outside of normal.

Eventually, slowly, ever so slowly, to slowly to really know when it happened he got better and better. I remember at night when I was putting Carlin to sleep I would beg God to please do a miracle, please heal him overnight and make him talk. The next morning I would anxiously listen for those first words and my heart would sink. I was sure that He would be so honoured that it had to be a good request. That miracle never came.

At the 3 month check up with the brain doctor I asked her for statistics. How many people survive a stroke like he had. She looked at me and said," There are none, they usually die with a stroke so severe". I was shocked, stunned. I asked, " How much more can I expect him to improve?' She said," I don't know Mrs. Zook, if he doesn't improve more then this you have a lot to be thankful for." Again I was shocked. We had 10 more years of miracle life with him.

My plea to you is this. If you have a loved one that suffered from brain trauma please be extra kind. Overlook his flaws and encourage them LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS. Feelings of failure are very real, everything looks difficult, and they hate the person they have become. They need someone to walk beside them and help them, someone that treats them like a normal adult and doesn't just make his life plans because he can't anyway. The truth is he very much knows when plans are being made around him and not with him. An adult always deserves to be treated as an adult whether you think they get it or not.

We didn't do it all right always. We struggled and forgave and loved and did it all over again. But we always had love. And that is why Feb. is a hard month. The prayers and tears of bygone years, the memories of love in the good years and the reality of a life so well lived and now gone....brings tears that are hard to stop.There is much more to his story, but this post must end.

I must also note that we had the most wonderful support during all his journey. Our church and families and our community has been the most generous caring folks you have ever seen, Thank you for your continued prayers.

 

A Jolly Adventure

 Back in August one day I was talking to my mom on the phone and she told me she was making a quilt to donate to the Haiti auction. I asked her if she ever attended the Haiti auction and she said she had not. I had not either but that was an auction that Jonathan always would have loved to attend and the past 2 winters I really wanted to take him to the sunny south to attend it but he was always too sick to go by the time that January rolled around. The January Haiti auction is held in Sarasota FL and that is where I went. It so turned out that Marty and I drove my vehicle and took my 83 year old mother and her 77 year old sister with us. We were a unique set...2 old ladies and 2 young ones.

 Our adventures have been many and this has not been even slightly boring! Number one, being in a part of the world where there are so many Amish and Mennonites is an adventure in itself! We rented 3 wheeled bikes and have been biking all over this town. Today Marty and I went 6 miles round trip on our bikes. It was actually pretty much fun but the bookstore we wanted to shop at was not worth going to so we found several other stores in that part of town. On the way home we wanted a frappe from McDonald and because we were on bikes we decided to go through the drive through. No luck tho', they never seemed to know we were there. There was a man going through the other drive through that seemed a bit amused at the sight of us but then a lady drove up behind us and she seemed really grouchy and stressed about us so we pulled away from the drive thru lane and Marty went inside while I watched our bikes. We wonder if men are just naturally more good natured and less stressed than women or why it struck the 2 so differently?

 The tornado on Sat. night was for sure more excitement then we needed! I went to bed knowing that severe thunderstorms were in the forecast and when I woke up at 3:30 and saw the lightening and heard the thunder I was a it uncomfortable but I checked the time and rolled over intending to sleep. Suddenly the weather alert on my phone did its noisy tones. I picked it up and it said tornado warnings seek shelter immedietly. Those alerts are nasty enough at home, but here in a rented house with no basement,!! what in the world was I to do? I opened my door and our host lady was in her living room and had also gotten the alerts.. We ended up going into the shower, its a fairly big wheelchair accessible one and also has a handicap chair in it. Mom sat on the chair while the rest of us hunched around her and we began to pray. I wonder if even the angels smiled with twinkling eyes as they hovered over us. It wasn't even slightly funny at the moment but now.....these are some of our laughing discussions. At some point in time Aunt Katie got some pillows and blankets and brought them into the shower and she also brought her purse. We may have stayed in there 10 minutes, it seemed longer but...anyhow it was windy and dumping the rain. And then it got quiet and Aunt Katie said," Now it stopped" and Marty and I looked at each other with the look of, this is not good' but we didn't mention it. We kept checking the weather on our phones and decided that the danger was over. We did stay up until 5 watching the weather. A decent amount of damage was done 10minutes from here but just a quarter mile away a trailer roof was torn off and tree branches were tossed about and a power line came down. The news said it was a hop , skip and jump type of tornado. Windows were blown out of tall buildings farther away and 2 people were killed in a trailer 10miles from here.It was not the worst tornado in the world but it was bad enough to be scary, and its very unusual for this area. History says that Pinecraft, which is this little village, used to be an army base and the reason they chose this area for the base was because storms always go around it. There is no record of a storm here in Pinecraft. Interestingly enough, that very thing happened again on Sat. night. Tornadoes went by on either side. So the next day we were discussing all that happened and we were ribbing Aunt Katie that she thought about her money, She said, "Well I still wanted money to go home", to which mom said, " I didn't think money was going to help us any if we all got killed."  I had also at some point put mine and Marty's purses in the bathroom, just in case stuff started to blow around! It has been so much fun being in discussions and listening to these wise old women talk. I hope I manage to be so sweet when I get old!

 Biking on 3 wheeled bikes was an adventure and it was really fun getting these old ladies that are not used to biking at all, on those bikes. They both enjoyed it, too! There were so many people on bikes and we had to look out for bikers and walking folks, golf carts, and motor wheelchairs, among the vehicles. One day several other Pinecraft ladies took Mom and Aunt Katie out and about visiting other old people. They biked across Bahia Vista Street and that was an amazing accomplishment with it being such a busy street!! We had to be very careful to remember to tie up our bikes because little thieves from town would steal them in broad daylight if they saw a bike that was not chained and locked. In fact one day while we were gone with our vehicle a lady noticed a fellow sitting out by our bikes that were tied up by our house. She chased him off but it was a good warning for us.

 We spent several hours on the beach 2 different days but it was never very warm. That was disappointing! But the beauty of the ocean was awesome. The crashing waves, and the roaring water sound, the white sand with the breeze on our face and the bright sunshine.....aweeee...that is why I went to FL. It was just not warm enough to really enjoy the beach!

 Its been said that Pinecraft has 3 types of people
           The Newly Weds
           The nearly deads and
          The hot heads
 I don't know which category I am in but .......I was there anyway!

 And the Haiti auction was very interesting! Somehow I like watching the people better than actually watching the auction. The best thing about the day was that the quilt that mom made and donated was the highest selling quilt!! I was sitting on the side bleachers and watched the bidders and saw who bought it. I decided they needed to know that my 83 year old mother made that quilt so I talked to them and introduced mom to them. She was shaky with excitement and the boys decided she had the same rush that they get when they shoot a deer and its called "buck fever" only in this case its called "quilt fever".  

 It was a bit hard to figure out why I decided to go to FL this year, the first year that Jonathan is not here. I don't think I really figured it out yet. It was very good to relax  and be carefree for a week and just not have a schedule and deadlines to meet. We made memories that we will never forget, we laughed over things only women can laugh at and we learned that old women are a party to spend a week with!

 We came home one day earlier than we had planned too because of the blizzard weather predictions. We were all just a little sad about that but driving in snowy conditions is not my idea of pleasure. And the snow did come and they are all snowed in at my house so the party continues!

       IF YOU WANT TO BE SWEET WHEN YOU ARE OLD BE SWEET NOW!!